Let's Talk About Money, Honey!

Read time: 7 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

“Easy money” is a term that I’ve grown to hate. Professional domination is often viewed as just that - easy money, a cash grab. I lament the term not because I think it’s tremendously hard work, but because it implies a motivation that I do not relate to. I’m not motivated to make lots of money by doing ‘easy’ tasks. I’m motivated by the meaning behind my work, first and foremost and I always have been. 

I’ve quit many jobs that were easy as hell and paid quite decently because I could feel my soul shriveling up from the lack of meaning available in that role. I’m a Pro Domme because it’s fascinating work and it affords me the opportunity to positively affect other people sometimes while having fun. It has meaning and that’s its greatest function to me. Being paid is a means to that end and in this way, I’m a bit of a live-to-work person. It’s always been really important to me that I love my job.

I know that everyone is motivated by different desires and goals. Necessity, passion and ego are forces we all contend with and I totally respect that we’re all different. I’d just like to see my perspective concerning financial domination (or lack thereof) represented in professional FemDom and open up a new way of practicing professional BDSM to those who haven’t thought about it this way before. A method of professional FemDom that actively holds the value of a Domme or sub separate from the amount of money that they make or spend.

Yes, I know that wealth-worship is, to a certain extent, just a part of life, it seems. The wealthy have power and security and that is inherently alluring. Then we have the world of lifestyle BDSM which has its own hierarchy going on. Here’s a great post called “Competitive Submission” by Amy of the Coffee and Kink blog. In it, she talks about her journey through labels in BDSM and the feelings of insecurity it can evoke. 

So we’ve got the world of money mongering and the world of competitive intimacy. Sweet, now let’s combine these two and put a price tag on the whole thing! Well, fingers crossed you’ve got your head on straight because it all has the potential to be incredibly toxic, in my experience. The world of professional BDSM can often leave everyone feeling financially inadequate, providers and patrons alike. 

So, how can we separate our self-worth from our income levels within professional BDSM? This is basically my mini-guide to practicing, what I call “NON-Financial Domination.” Writing this blog post was inspired by one of my most downloaded podcasts of the same name. You can listen to the audio here with a monthly subscription, but in the meantime, let’s explore some tips on keeping money and sexual identity in healthy balance with each other.

TIP #1: BOUNDARIES FIRST 

When practicing consensual, safe BDSM, the main structure becomes personal boundaries. If boundaries are violated, the interaction can quickly slip from play into abuse. Once something is commodified, it is very easy to start prioritizing money over those boundaries.

A new Pro Domme might be tempted to take a session she doesn’t really like in order to make ‘easy money’. A submissive may feel pressured to book more frequently with a Pro Domme so that they can maintain a certain status with her. When it comes to these decisions, boundaries should ALWAYS come first, not money - no exceptions. 

Lose the money, lose the client, lose the Domme, lose the friend, lose whatever you need to in order to maintain your personal autonomy. Anyone who wants to compromise your boundaries isn’t worth playing with anyways so the quicker they leave, the better. Don’t let money cloud your vision, boundaries always come first. Short term loss for long term gain. You find higher quality people this way and you offer a higher quality experience because of it.

TIP #2: OPTIMIZE YOUR IN-SESSION TIME

This is great advice for Dommes and subs. I’ve realized that a huge amount of my energy simply goes into making sure that I’m in a good mood for my sessions. This demonstrates respect and care and costs no money. Learn what is the best headspace for you going into a session and do your best to offer that to the person you’re playing with.

Also, learn how to listen, be present and improvise in the moment. Practicing BDSM is like having a conversation, it’s created one word at a time. Be prepared to listen and adapt as you go. There is no right or wrong behaviour, it’s really just about listening and watching and then choosing what you believe is the appropriate reaction to each moment. As you learn, you become quicker and more adept at choosing the appropriate response.

TIP #3: NERD OUT ON YOUR TIME OFF

There is SO much that can be done during your time between sessions. Self training and discipline are the foundation of any progress you’ll ever make with a dominant so don’t discount that value. You can practice chastity, edging, orgasm control, anal stretching, self wedgies, feminization and ball crushing on your own. Here’s a shameless plug of my handmade ball crushers available on Etsy. It’s a genuinely great device for solo pain training.

You can also practice mindfulness, listening skills and positive self-talk. You can learn more about your body and how you react to different sensations for better communication in the future. I have a blog post called “Kink-trospection” that might help with this.

You can also research more about your Domme. Watch her clips, read her posts and follow along with any of her online content or instructionals, if available. If you’re interested in offering her service submission, check and see if she has any free tasks listed on her website. For many this would include things like following, liking and reposting their social media content.

For me, I have a few free service submission tasks available to subbies: Compiling links to sites that have pirated my clips and sending them to me, consuming my free content and watching my “Brownie Point” list on YouTube. These are free ways to either get to know me or help save me time.

TIP #4: STOP PRETENDING

Let’s all stop pretending that we’re something that we’re not. Ditch perfect and opt into relatable. Stop conflating how much money you make or don’t make to your worth as a person. The truth is, we’re all somewhere along the spectrum and trying our best to prioritize things in our lives. Whether it’s time, energy or money, we’ve only got so much of it and tough choices have to be made for all of us. If people can’t relate to that and understand where you’re coming from - fuck em. Seriously. Your ability to be a good sub or Domme has nothing to do with how much money you make or how you choose to spend it so let’s stop getting distracted by those things and concentrate on creating amazing sessions for each other.

TIP #5: THE LOVE LANGUAGE TEST

In BDSM, pretty much the answer to every question is “it depends on the person.” As redundant and vague as that is, it’s always true. I’ve been surprised by some of my own boundaries as I’ve journeyed through FemDom. One of the most unexpected of mine being financial domination. One woman’s compliment is another woman’s headache.

Here are my love languages in order of importance to me: QUALITY TIME, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and receiving gifts. If I could list ‘receiving gifts’ lower, I would. That’s just me and truly, everyone is different but it’s certainly not the norm in my industry. It took me a while to give myself permission to delete my wish lists, say no thank you to financial subs and, finally, add FinDom to my list of hard limits.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a bottle of wine or a cute houseplant, but that’s about it. I don’t mind those gifts because they are affordable and often enjoyed by both of us. We’re sharing a glass of wine after our session, your introducing a new flavour to me or vice versa or you’re adding your plant to my collection for everyone to enjoy when they visit. It’s more about the shared experience than an exchange of valuables.

Straight up financial domination quickly becomes unpleasant for me. The power dynamic becomes confusing and uncomfortable. It quickly turns supposed ‘easy money’ into ‘very difficult and psychologically exhausting money’. No thanks.

Here’s the Love Language Test if you’re interested!

TIP #6: SET THEM FREE

In the BDSM world, ownership is a huge theme. There is this constant rhetoric of ultimate slavedom and mightiful Masters and Mistresses. I recommend putting that line of thinking firmly in the fantasy realm and leaving it there until your next horny time. It’s hot to fantasize about and decidedly not-hot to actually try to fulfill, particularly in professional BDSM.

As a way to alleviate the financial pressure, I suggest entirely letting everyone off the hook. That means letting each, compatible subby know that they are always welcome to come back but it is never expected. Conversely, just because someone has lots of money, doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to see them. For subs this might mean letting your Domme know that you may only be able to see them once or very infrequently. 

For me, existing in a place where there is no financial obligation to each other keeps everyone safe and means that the people who keep coming back to me are all the more meaningful. There is no pressure, no implication of value one way or the other. They are back because they want to be and so am I.

I think if we follow these tips in professional BDSM, we can slowly move the needle away from the worship of wealth and more towards the quality of the human interaction we’re having together, even within a professional exchange. I have a few more posts that relate to this subject, check them out if you’re craving more content like this and thanks for reading!

“The Economics of Kink” - Bastienne’s BDSM Blog

“MONEY: EP#1 of The Last Bastienne Podcast” on YouTube

“Let’s Talk About Money, Honey” - Substack Post with audio

“Behind The Curtain” - Substack post with audio (behind a paywall)

The Spanking Ritual with Mommy

Read time: 4 minutes.

Mommy roleplay and spanking go together like peanut butter and jelly. Perhaps like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you so petulantly threw in the garbage. Do you think I’m made of money over here? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?

As I sit down on the sectional, my skirt rides up just enough to reveal the top of my black stockings. You pretend not to notice and I motion for you to come over to me. As you stand above me, you gain a momentary view right down mommy’s shirt. That familiar tingle starts at the opening of your pussy and you instinctively do a kegel at the thought of what is about to happen. It’s so humiliating to feel this way about your mommy but there’s nothing you can do now. You tell yourself that you won’t get wet this time, that you won’t play with yourself at the memory of this later but we both know - that’s simply not true. 

I look down and gently pat my lap and you know exactly what to do. You lay yourself over my ample, warm thighs in, what is now, our almost weekly ritual. I run my hands up the length of your thighs, up your skirt and, finally, up the curve of your ass until I find the waistline of your thick, black pantyhose. My movements quickly turn from soft to rough as I quickly rip the pantyhose down past the crease of your ass cheeks. It’s so easy to pick your tiny hips up to get at what I need.

As soon as I see the red thong that you are wearing, my movements go entirely still. I wait a moment before snapping the thong on your ass crack and quietly ask, “What the fuck is this?”

“I’m sorry Mommy!” you whimper in anticipation of the pain you’re about to endure. You’re simultaneously horrified at this situation and dripping wet with excitement, so thankful I’ve decided to leave the panties on you this time. Your face is fully flushed with embarrassment as I shove your head into the couch, moving your arms alongside it so that you’re fully collapsed on top of my lap. My right hand runs over the apple of your cheeks, pushing your skirt all the way up, to the middle of your back with my left hand. That final adjustment signifies the beginning of the warm up.

As the blood begins to flow to the surface of your ass cheeks, they start feeling warmer and warmer. The pain hasn’t started but the rhythm of my hand starts to lull you into a hypnosis of sorts. My hand pounds out its beat as your mind starts to wander. You think about the fact that you’re far too old to be punished like this. You know that if you really fought back, maybe I would stop, but every time I spank you, the memories run through your head. All your friends from school referring to me as a “MILF” since you were old enough to know what that word even meant. The desperation that your peers would exhibit in my presence was simultaneously mortifying and exciting. Each time you would receive Mommy’s spankings, you would feel the strangest sense of …gratitude.

The intrusive thoughts are interrupted by a new feeling, a deviation from the routine. You notice that my hand is working through a new pattern, one that now includes your upper thighs and inner ass cheeks, the spot where the red thong is sticking out, just a few inches covering your pussy lips. You instinctively hunch your back over in an attempt to hide from me so I take the point of my left elbow and drive it into your lower back. “Arch your back!” is all I need to say before those pussy lips are sticking out enough for me to feel them again. 

Now I begin running my hand back and forth, across your left cheek, quickly over your panty covered pussy lips and then onto the right cheek. Back and forth, in what should be a soothing motion but your body is clenched in fear. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never touched in between the cheeks and you know it has something to do with the red thong.

You’re snapped back from your thoughts and into your body by the thud of my leather paddle against your ass. You can feel the heat quickly rising as I take my time, beating you methodically, like I always do. Mommy is going to bruise your ass eventually, but right now, it’s just warm feeling and turning the brightest red.

You relax into my lap, knowing at this point, it’s the only thing you can do. I keep my steady beat, pounding and pounding down, pushing you deeper into submission. Because of the way your back is arched, each stroke is actually stimulating your pussy lips and your only fear now is that it will be visible to Mommy.

Just when you think you’re in the clear and that you’ve endured the bulk of your punishment, I stop the paddling entirely. I place the paddle on the couch next to me and you hold perfectly still. I tell you to keep your back arched as I run my finger over the red thong, I can feel the wet opening of your pussy.

Without saying a word, I push the panties to the side and start exploring with my fingers. I run my fingers through the folds, moving around so effortlessly with all the lubrication the spanking has created for you. As I slip two fingers inside you, I take my time, pushing into the tight hole. As I slowly plunge in and out, I feel the juices transfer to the palm of my hand, onto my other fingers. The tightening and pulsing of your tight pussy on my fingers tells me that you’re about to cum so I gather your hair into my left hand and push your face back down into sectional as you pretend not to cum all over Mommy’s fingers. After I feel the last squeeze of your cumming pussy, I lift your head and tilt it so I can see the side of your face. I stick my fingers in your mouth and you instinctively clean them up.

You collapse in a heap on my lap as I gently wipe up your cum with a dish cloth that had been sitting on the side table. You feel taken care of as I wipe up the juice from the inside of your thighs and replace the gusset of your red thong, covering you up once again. I pull your pantyhose back up and you pull your skirt down as you stand up.

You lay down beside me and rest your head on my lap like we always do. As I stroke your hair this time and you begin to process what just happened, you feel my leg lift up over your head and move behind you on the couch. Mommy is laying on her back now with your head in between her legs. As you look up to see what I’m doing, you see the wet gusset of my pink panties, mere inches from your face. I pull them aside and simply say, “Mommy’s turn” and we begin a new ritual.

The Psychology of Ballbusting

Read time: 4 minutes.

Hey! I’m Bastienne, a total NOT psychologist. This is purely anecdotal, armchair psychology coming from a grown lady who regularly and enthusiastically makes fart sounds with her mouth as a form of self entertainment. So, yeah, take it all with a grain of salt but hopefully my thoughts bring you some deeper understanding about the very polarizing practice of ballbusting.

So…

Ballbusting is one of my main specialties, it’s the kink that made me popular on Clips4Sale when I opened my studio in 2019. My lifestyle partner has giant, punchable balls, a crazy high pain tolerance and a love for ballbusting that rivals my own. As a couple, we discovered that we’re a pretty rare combo and, let’s just say, the internet approved! My clips were very popular and I also gained popularity on Twitter for similar reasons, promoting my hardcore clips and being all cocky and such about it.

Fellow Dommes and subs alike would continuously give me the sweet, sweet internet approval that I wanted. I was intimidating, hardcore and truly getting high off my own supply. Slowly, over time though, I noticed these little comments that would trickle in, here and there. People would say things like, “It’s great that you stick to your lane, which is strictly CBT” or my booking forms would be flooded with comments like, “I’d love to see you but I don’t like ballbusting.” The straw that broke the camel's back is when one of my best friends in domination said, “People are crazy for thinking they can have a session with you if they’re not even into ballbusting!”

Oi vey!

Ballbusting has been and always will be one of many kinks that I offer. I do not and never have insisted that anyone be into ballbusting or any other kink in order to see me. I’ve always had a list of kinks available on my website. The fact that friends, people who know me personally and the mechanics of my job, thought I only offered ballbusting showed me that I was doing something woefully wrong.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the polarizing effect of ballbusting! It’s so viscerally overwhelming that my affinity for it cannibalized my other kinks for a period of time there. While my clips were selling like hot cakes, my in-person bookings were taking a hit. It was praise, praise, praise on Twitter and a chorus of crickets in my empty, little calendar.

So how does this relate to the psychology of ballbusting? Well, screens. Screens were the only thing dividing the fantasy of me from the reality. How could I be so revered in one way and totally avoided in another? There was a clear disconnect and it quickly became clear what it was: Fear. You’re safe behind a screen. Watching someone else get kicked in the nuts elicits an empathetic, exciting response from the safety of home. Now stepping into that position and becoming the real life ballbustee is something entirely different and most opt for the safer, voyeuristic version that is available by just watching a clip.

Now, the juvenile, little, edgelord inside of me still sort of beams at this thought. I’m a sadist afterall, it is fun to have that power over people but me and my ego aside, this whole clips versus real sessions disparity is the perfect example of how ballbusting is mostly psychological. How crazy is that? One of the most physically arduous kinks is also one of the most psychological - and most popular. The physicality is merely the means to an end, the end being psychological submission. Oh kink and BDSM, I just love ya!

So let’s get into the thinky behind the kinky. 

Most guys who are into ballbusting don’t understand why they’re into it which is comical in and of itself but, you guys know, I can’t be over here having questions go unanswered! After I would finish laughing at these silly boys, me and my nosy little brain would be like - hey wait! Why are all these guys into this? Why do they not even know why?

Here’s my theory: They are seeking either adrenaline or vulnerability. Seeking adrenaline or a thrill is pretty straight forward, I mean, yes, a swift kick to the nuts will get you there pretty quick. A guy seeking vulnerability is often subconsciously playing within the strength and weakness dynamics between men and women. The stereotype being that men are stronger than women, except for their pesky, little balls! By having a woman exploit this weakness, the man is suddenly rendered vulnerable, perhaps even submissive and the next thing you know, the woman seizes control and - voila! - you’ve found yourself in a FemDom fantasy!

This is the formula for all power exchange fantasies but the context and reasoning behind it is always different from kink to kink and person to person. Here’s a great article about the ballbusting phenomenon by Elle Silver. I was lucky enough to be interviewed by her and featured in this great write-up she did about ballbusting. She found me on Twitter and described my ball torturing methods as the most unique of what she had seen in her research. A compliment I always strive for!

In her research, she spoke with Pro Dominatrices who specialize in ballbusting and with men who enjoy being ballbusted. Their feedback coalesced with my theory that the actual pain or physicality wasn’t the main attraction, it was the desire to have power taken away from them forcefully by a woman that was appealing. The fear of the ball pain created a power dynamic rooted in reality (as opposed to roleplay) which instantly gives the bottom access to a feeling of “real” submission or subspace. Basically: Anticipation is half the fun, or in this case, 90% of it.

Then there’s the ‘lifers’ versus the newbies thing that happens in all kinks / fetishes. So some people, particularly men, will sometimes have a defining experience during puberty that becomes permanently entangled with their sexuality. For some it’s the first sight of pantyhose, for others it’s the splashing of slime over an attractive lady on a gameshow or perhaps, a humiliating kick to the nuts by your crush at school. I consider these people to be ‘lifers’ while some would consider them to be fetishists. While the rest of us float around and in and out of kinks, lifers are holding down the fort in their respective kink castles for all of us.

Whether you’re a lifer or you’ve found yourself interested in ballbusting later on in your sexuality - Welcome! It’s an incredibly common interest! Go look at the number of views on my different YouTube videos. The ballbusting videos have ten times the views of most of the other kinks on there. It’s simultaneously one of the most fantasized about kinks within FemDom and one of the least popular requests I get for in-person sessions…. Until now! 

I realized that I’ve always played safe, I’ve always honoured safe words and the limits of who I was playing with. The only thing that has changed is my ability to articulate that. I never expect anything extreme out of anyone, I always say, everything starts and ends at zero pain. It’s the edge of the pool that you’re always welcome to swim back to. Extremes are built up to and require a base of trust and safety to reach. Extremes are also… not for everyone! We’re not all olympians but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun mucking around in the the pool in the meantime. Being present and having new, exciting experiences is the goal!

I’m no longer interested in flexing about how scary and extreme my play is. I’ve played with enough dead-eyed, distracted, supposedly impressive masochists to know that achieving extremes is for the birds. I’m all about being passionate, being in the moment and having actual fun.

These days, my greatest pride is gaining such a high level of trust with my subbies that they want to experiment with ballbusting simply because I love it. They fully trust that I won’t ever do anything outside of what they are comfortable with. The phrase “I never thought I’d let anyone to that to me!” is like music to my little, pervy ears nowadays!

Well, I hope that explains some of the psychology behind this very popular kink and gives you a little understanding and relief about your (surprisingly) not-so-strange predilections! Now come get your balls smooshed by me! ;)

xo Bastienne

Playing With Couples

Read time: 7 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

My entire history within FemDom has been interwoven with other women. That’s a bit of a low-key flex given that the natural course of this job is one of independence, isolation and patronage from (almost entirely) men. Yup, a Pro Domme can easily go her whole career never, organically, meeting another woman through work. 

So let me tell you my little tale…

The year was 2015 and it was the first year I had dared to work, full time, for myself. I had made enough money from selling my panties on Craigslist to quit my construction job and decided to take the brazen leap into some absurd, misshapen form of entrepreneurship. The money from my little furniture business, combined with my fledgling panty sales, was just enough to cover my bills. That was when I officially gave up my steady pay cheque for the wide open (and utterly terrifying) world of freelance.

Crippling anxiety, imposter syndrome and sleepless nights full of exciting ideas aside - it didn’t take long for the loneliness to set in. I had never worked completely by myself before and certainly not in such a secretive, strange industry. I mean, I technically had co-workers. I could see them every day, posting ads alongside mine in the adult section. I could look at their pictures and wonder what they thought about all this. I could wonder how much they made, how they got started, what they told their families and how their day went but they seemingly only existed behind my computer screen. Like me now, I guess.

I filled the new silence of my days with audio books about business basics. The books spoke of being bold, getting what you need and stepping outside of the box. Plus, the isolation finally wore me down so I decided to do something I hadn’t seen anyone else do: I posted an ad looking for a panty selling partner. 

I’ll be honest, I felt like a weirdo and I worried that no one would respond - or worse - I would get nasty responses, slashing me back into the imaginary place I belonged in the dark. I assured myself that the ad only cost me $3 and a possible hit to the ego, so I placed my little ad, walked the whole 10 feet from my new ‘work’ (the chair by my living room window) to bed and tucked myself in for the night, knowing that (at least) I had tried.

I woke up the next day to something I will never forget, something that would shape my career from that day forward. My inbox was full of responses, even resumes, from women looking to team up with me. They were pitching why they would be a good panty selling partner - a term that didn’t even exist until I had thrown it out there. That’s when I realized that I was far from alone and I never looked back. I never let my peers live behind a computer screen or in some imaginary place in my mind ever again. I learned to make the first move, to ask for what I want, to be open, honest and generous with women who were on the same path as me. 

Since then, I’ve always had a business bud to work, learn and grow with. I developed to a point where I could collaborate with other Pro Dommes and have since experienced hundreds of hours working with some of Canada’s best and most respected Dominatrices. I’ve mentored and been mentored, I’ve created complex, group scenes, I’ve connected providers to each other and I’ve met amazing women along the way. I’ve learned about how women create a Domme persona and how they relate to each other inside and outside of their BDSM scenes.

Through my work, I also discovered more about my own sexuality and realized that I’m not only a professional Domme, I also love dominating in my personal life too. This is a revelation afforded to me by this work and what I’ve learned from fellow female dominants and lovely male submissives along the way. My life partner is a male submissive who I met through my work. Here’s a post on substack about how I met him and how we fell in love.

Ultimately though, my greatest offering to women is that I’m an open book and a GIANT nerd for my job. I positively delight in sharing my time, knowledge and energy with people, it makes me high on life. Sex positivity is very personal and important to me, it’s something I think is incredibly vulnerable and liberating, inside and outside of the bedroom. My particular focus being female domination and male submission. I count my lucky stars every day that I get to offer acceptance, confidence and a sense of belonging to others.

As the lady who could barely sleep in 2015, wondering who the fuck I thought I was, rest assured, I haven’t forgotten a minute of my journey here. I’ll certainly never forget the people who were nice enough to alleviate my self-doubt along the way. Extending the same kindness to fellow explorers is truly my greatest joy and a natural extension of everything I’ve learned.

Offering a welcoming environment to people is also a bit of a full circle experience for me because my approachability was something I really struggled with when I first started in FemDom. I felt that it needed to be hidden or eliminated entirely so getting to this point of self acceptance is just really cool. There is a misconception that being welcoming is antithetical to being dominant, but that’s simply not true. You can be yourself and be dominant. No acting, costumes or theatre required and I love helping women find their way with a sense of humour in an open, welcoming environment.

Although female domination and male submission are my main focus, I also love: Coaching men how to dominate their female partners, women how to dominate their female partners and so on and so forth. Mix and match genitals at your own discretion.

Playing with couples is also a very redemptive process for me. I’ve spent years listening to men talk about their secret kinks, things that they told me they would never share with their partners. I’ve heard “wow, I wish my girlfriend would be more like you” far too many times. It’s meant as a compliment but my soul shrivels at those words each time. Sometimes I feel like screaming “then why don’t you freaking ask her?!” 

As much as it’s none of my business, I’ve always encouraged men to talk to their partners about their kinks. Yes, I know, male submission is legitimately taboo af right now. Yes, you could get rejected, you could lose that relationship, I’m well aware of these risks and I have so much empathy for you but I think you should do it anyways. Being honest and vulnerable is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do as human beings but that’s why I think it’s so important. A phrase I was raised on: “Bravery is not a lack of fear, it’s being afraid and doing it anyways”. Words to live by.

So! If you’re a submissive man looking to talk to your partner about FemDom, perhaps start by sending her this blog post and get the ball rolling. If you’re a woman looking to learn some domination skills or to just talk with someone who has lots of experience, I’m your girl. If you’re lesbionic and want to set my heart aflutter then bring your gay ass(es) in for a chat or play time. All my sessions are fun and chill and straight forward.

I love offering an alternative to couples in Toronto looking for BDSM lessons. My approach is less teacher / student and more of an AMA vibe. I’m certainly not an expert in everything but I’m honest and accommodating and I just adore chatting. I love getting people comfortable and then exploring whatever interests that person / those people. That could entail just sitting and talking, walking through demos, indulging in play time or any combination of those things. I offer a reduced rate for these types of dates, called “Meet & Greets”, available on my booking page here.

Ultimately, so many men and women love being sexually submissive. It’s a person thing, unrelated to gender. People who are dominant in their real lives, generally, enjoy giving up control in their sex lives, it’s just that simple. It says nothing about who they are as people, it’s just fun, sexy, good times, a preference like any other and it’s incredibly common. Plus, male submission is heavily and openly shamed by many people right now - including women. Learning how to be open, accepting and how to communicate freely is a great skill for everyone to develop and it’s truly not as hard as it seems, especially if you approach it with acceptance, a sense of humour and the goal of having fun!

Booking a couple’s session with a Pro Domme is a great birthday or Valentine’s Day gift! Keep me in mind and check out these other, related posts in the meantime …

• Consultations, Tours & Education Requests on Bastienne.ca

• Every Day is Taco Tuesday (link redirects to substack.com) - audio and written post.

• My First Female Submissive on Bastienne’s BDSM Blog (Bastienne.ca)

• Power of the Puss - How I Got Started in Kink (link redirects to substack.com) - audio and written post.

Thanks for reading! :)

Top 10 Sessions of 2021

10: You Are the Wind Beneath My Wangs

You guys know that I love inspiring people, right? Can I please ask you what is more inspiring than a gentleman who is dressed as Bette Midler while being violently hoisted by his wedgie into the air while he is ‘heavily encouraged’ to scream-sing “You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings”? You’re right, nothing is more inspiring than that, good job. OMG, and I almost forgot to mention that his ankles and wrists were also being hoisted into the air by ropes which were controlled by yours truly who lay perched above him on the top of my jungle gym. This would make him my first (but not last) personal Bette Midler inspired puppet-man of sorts.

9: Little Linda’s Birfday

For sissies, there is truly no greater reward than the gift of my boyfriend’s fresh cum. Since Little Linda is one of my dearest subbies, I decided to go all out for her birthday this year. I dressed her up in her usual uniform, a pink onesie with the word ‘Daddy’ on the back and set her up, tightly bound in the main room. As I slipped away to the bedroom to harvest from my boyfriend, I noticed Little Linda wiggling about against her bondage. Her full sensory deprivation prevented her from noticing that I was still there. Nothing that a hard paddling couldn’t take care of and as I slipped away the second time, Little Linda was entirely still.

When I got back, I quietly lit the single candle planted in the mini dessert that would serve as Linda’s birthday cake. I walked in front of her, slipping her mask up enough for her to see me as an obnoxious version of the Happy Birthday song played loudly in the background. Linda’s eyes looked so happy to be treated so nicely for a change. As the song came to an end I slowly positioned my face above the candle. I let my mouth full of cum slowly drip out, extinguishing the candle. Linda’s face dropped and she started weeping as she realized what was next. I fed her the cum drizzled birthday dessert and then asked her what she got me for my birthday. 

She looked confused as she choked down the last bites of cake and I asked again, “So what the fuck did you get me for my birthday?” She replied something about my birthday not being for another month and I corrected her. “Today is my birthday and next month”. She looked at me confused for a moment but once I curled my fingers into a familiar fist and started reaching towards her tiny balls, she finally wished me a happy birthday. She didn’t bring me a gift so we settled on a hefty ball beating for her instead. That’s how I started the tradition of stealing my subbie’s birthdays - So nice! I aim to collect every day of the year.

8: The Diaper Head Dancing Baby Guy

I don’t mean to brag, but this wasn’t a one time incident with this guy. Yup. If you haven’t forced a grown man to wear a used diaper on his head while he’s dressed like a girl baby with his weiner flopping out of his pink diaper while he dances awkwardly to a Britney Spears megamix then I must ask you this: Where did you go wrong in your life?

7: The Lumberjack Song

I was raised on British comedies like Monty Python and Fawlty Towers so this next session request was a bucket list item I didn’t even know I needed. This gent explained to me that the first sexual feelings he ever had were experienced while watching Britsh comedies like Monty Python and Benny Hill. Often, the casts of these shows were all men so they would have to dress as the female characters in their sketches. This was partially done out of necessity but mostly because it’s just funny as hell. 

Well, this little subby had his first tingles while seeing these men dressing up as women and it became a lifelong association. The way he explained it, it wasn’t that he was attracted to the men in drag, moreso that he wanted to be them. Not because he found them hot but he envisioned how humiliating that would be if he were in their place and wanted to have that feeling. And so, a very niche, sissy fetish was born.

While ‘The Lumberjack Song’ played in the background on my bluetooth speaker, I watched this man step into one of the most absurd fantasies I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing. As he flung his lumberjack clothing off with gusto, slowly revealing a pink, frilly lingerie set, his behaviour became more and more feminine. There was crawling on the floor, there was archings of the back and a lot of off-rhythm twerking and you know what it made me realize? Monty Python had it right all along, dressing men up as women for laughs is a classic move and should be included in every project. 

6: Golden Shower Power

One of my golden subbies decided to take his toilet slavery game up a few million notches this year. With weekly visits in 2021 he managed to drink an astounding, cumulative amount of 3 fucking gallons of Bastienne’s freshly filtered water this year! That’s 11 gosh darned litres of my power pee-pee juice! It’s going to be a while before anyone beats that record.

5: WAM Cherry: Popped!

Here’s a series of sessions that inspired their own full blog post, The Bucket List: Wet & Messy. There are a few kinks that I have on my service list despite them being pretty rare and wet & messy fetish was definitely one of them. It sat there and collected internet dust for about a year before I got my first serious inquiry. The gent who showed up was as excited as I was and slimy sparks flew! I got to ooze him with bucket after bucket of homemade, green slime and chucked a few dozen pies in his face as well.

4: Fernando and the Trampling Disco

This session also elicited it’s own blog post, that’s how you know it was good. Listen, did I plan to wear bell bottoms that day? No. Did I know there was a light up disco ball in that dungeon? No. Did I plan on playing Abba that day and literally having the best time of my life? No. Did all of those things happen simultaneously somehow because life is truly beautiful and I have the best job in the world - FUCK YES. 

If you haven’t read it, you should definitely check my blog post The Trampling Renaissance where I detail this session in full. Also, luckily, I happened to capture this spectacular moment and it’s available on my clips store here.

3: Farting Someone Into Friendship

Have you ever farted on someone so good that they became your bud? Yeah, I didn’t know it was possible either. What started as a farter / fartee relationship has now blossomed into a farts over coffee flavoured whiskey / monthly book / philosophy club, of sorts and I’m all about it.

2: Making the Virgin Cum in His Pants

I occasionally get the pleasure of playing with virgins. This particular gentleman was also what I refer to as a ‘sweet muffin’. Sweet muffins are just my favourite people in the world, they’re naturally sweet, kind hearted little gems who I love granting kinky wishes for. Anyhoo, this gent was ...very, visibly excited. I decided to tie him down and strap a dildo to his face and give him a fun little show to start things out. Well, as soon as the dildo found its way all the way inside of me, his eyes mere inches from the action, I noticed a wet spot forming on the outside of his boxers. I looked down at his face, then back to his crotch and asked “Did you just cum?” and he made a sound from beneath me. I moved off him and asked again, to which he sheepishly said, ‘yes’. How cute can you be? No contact at all, just some up close penetration visuals and boom, creamed his sweet, little pants! I love it.

1: Good Times with Great People

Despite all my kinky good times at work, honestly, this past year was rough for me personally. For many of us, the last couple of years have brought about the shifting of life circumstances and the reshuffling of priorities. For me that meant the sad, but necessary, loss of some important relationships. Throughout my grieving process, I found myself feeling alone. It felt as though it wasn’t acceptable for me to struggle or to have negative feelings despite having every reason in the world, it felt like there was no space for me to just be a flawed human.

And this, my friends, is what ripped my little heart wide open in the best of ways.

Through my work, I realized that so many of us are in this situation, to one extent or another. We’re all sorely in need of someone to just listen, see us and accept us for who we are. I decided that if I couldn’t find that for myself, I could at least offer it to others and that’s when my whole world cracked open in the best possible way.

I’ve since spent whole sessions just diving head first into people’s secret history in kink, things that no other person has ever heard. I’ve had the priviledge of alleviating person after person of their sexual shame, being able to reassure them with confidence they are not alone. I’ve prevented one very nervous gentleman from cheating on his partner and I’ve gotten to play kinky-couples-counselor to partners seeking to learn about FemDom. I’ve opened myself up completely, set aside my ego in place of that flawed person I thought needed to be hidden away. I’ve realized that the safe space I’ve created for others is also safe for me too.

Here’s to another great year! Many kinky wishes to you!

xo Bastienne ;)

5 Reasons to Date Submissive Men

Read time: 7 minutes.

Submissive men can often get the short end of the stick in the dating world. I have this conversation with some, sweet subby almost weekly now. Single subbies will often ask me: When should I talk about being kinky with potential partners? Should I come out as kinky first, then submissive? Should I even come out at all?

It’s a heartbreaking reality that is unique to submissive men right now. A woman trying to date people often doesn’t feel the threat of rejection for being submissive or kinky - hell, it might even be considered a bonus to those who date her. So why is it so different for men?

I think the answer truly lies in the way that we continue to see gender roles. I hear women fortifying these stereotypes all the time! I’ve even known many Pro Dommes who have openly stated they would never consider dating a submissive man in their personal lives. To each their own, of course, but this is where I’ve got to throw in my two cents.

My life partner is a submissive. He is my soulmate, my absolute favourite person in the world. The connection that I have with him is far beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before and truly something I thought was purely fictional. We had an instant, intense, surreal click with each other from the time we first met and we immediately knew that we were meant to be together so, yeah, I might be a bit biased when we talk about dating submissive men. More about my lifestyle experience here.

I see so many missed opportunities for women looking for high quality partners. There are definitely some misconceptions that I’d like to clarify, from my perspective and some tips for submissive men looking to date while also being true to themselves.

#1: Submissive Men Aren’t Necessarily Feminine

This is a tough one for some people to wrap their heads around and, I’ll be honest, I’ve thought this as well when I first got into FemDom. There is this conflation of dominance with masculinity and submission with femininity. It’s pervasive and toxic to all of us. 

As a feminine, dominant lady, I wasted years of my life in vanilla world feeling bossy and out of place. I thought I was gay for a while. Now I understand that I’m simply feminine AND sexually dominant. Yes, it’s a weird combination but that’s who I am and that’s why I couldn’t fit into vanilla world before. 

Same goes for submissive, masculine men, yeah it’s a bit more rare of a combination but it’s great! What are we going to do? All be exactly the same? All men are sexually dominant and masculine and all women are feminine and sexually submissive? Hell no. Life is fun and full of unique people with surprising trait combinations. It’s not something to avoid and repress, it’s cause for celebration! 

#2: There is SUCH Strength in Surrender

This idea that submission is weakness just couldn’t be any further from the truth. As a person who dominates professionally and in my personal life, I can honestly say, I have the easier role a lot of the time. Being able to surrender psychologically and physically takes a lot of confidence and vulnerability and it’s truly sexy as hell! 

This idea that it's weak should be tested out in-person by anyone holding that view. There are so many ‘manly men’ who could never even dream of achieving the goals of some of the male subbies I see. It takes awareness, introspection, trust, communication and sometimes balls of steel to do some of these scenes. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it’s certainly not weak.

#3: Submissive Men Are Often Dominant in Real Life

I often hear women talking about not being able to respect a submissive man and this misconception always has me champing at the bit to correct them. Not all, but most, people who identify as submissive or hold many submissive sexual fantasies are often seeking psychological reprieve from a day-to-day life where they are successful, in control and - you guessed it - dominant! It’s one of those stereotypes that kind of holds true. The CEO going to a Dominatrix to let go - it’s kind of on point. 

Many people don’t want to date a person (of any gender) who doesn’t have their shit together, that I totally understand. What I don’t understand is the constant conflation of someones fantasies with who they are in their regular life. Think about your fantasies! What do they say about you? Probably not much! Not only does it not generally relate to your real life, if we were to guess a connection, the correlation would scue in the opposite direction. Submissive men and women tend to be more controlling, in-charge types in their real lives as well.

#4: Kink Isn’t 24/7 (generally)

This leads nicely into my next point: Submissive people are usually only going to act submissive in the bedroom. I’ve heard too many women say things like, “Well I just couldn’t respect a man that I could walk all over”. I always feel like saying - who says you can walk all over them? Unless they’re into trampling ;) 

Yes, there are D/s couples who live in a 24/7 dynamic but they are extremely rare. Most people don’t want to live in their sexual fantasies all the time - regardless of what they are into. If you love doggystyle position that doesn’t mean you like it 24/7! That’s absurd and totally common sense in vanilla world but as soon as we veer into kink and BDSM, it’s like all common sense goes out the window.

My lifestyle partner and I are a very normal, boring couple when we’re not playing. We are like any couple with our little patterns and quirks, things he’s good at, things I’m good at. We complement each other in ways entirely unrelated to kink. Also, we have vanilla sex too! Most kinky people just dabble in and out and switch things up as they see fit.

#5: It’s Fun As Fuck

Speaking of switching things up - having a kinky partner is so fun, I can never go back to vanilla world ever again. There are weeks and months at a time where we don’t have PIV sex. Okay, that’s definitely a weird flex but hear me out! When I was younger, that would’ve been bad news bears, but now I realize this is so much better! Truthfully, we’re not fixating on PIV sex because we are so distracted doing every other fun thing in the book that we literally forget! My partner and I will laugh about it and be like - oh yeah! PIV sex is so fun! As a couple of high sex drive, perverts, that says it all.

We’ve got a million toys and fun things to do. Everything is talked about and scheduled beforehand and there’s a million nooks and crannies to explore and our communication is top notch. I just can’t express how much fun it truly is. Plus, it doesn’t have to be performative and dramatic - quite the opposite! Everyone can be themselves, giggle, be silly and just enjoy exploring together.

There is such a treasure trove of absolutely amazing men hiding in the submissive male category. If you’re a woman looking for an absolute gem of a person, please re-evaluate your views on kink and male submission, open your mind and give a lovely subby boy a shot. If I’ve learned one thing through kink, it’s that you should try everything at least once and this is the perfect example. Put your preconceptions aside and give it a shot. Of course, for some women, it’s a simple hard-no which is totally fine but if submissive men are being dismissed simply because of a lack of understanding, that’s just a damn shame and a missed opportunity for all involved.

Dating Tips for Submissive Men

I’m a big fan of the old ‘honesty is the best policy’ way of living. If you can muster up the courage, I would definitely just be honest and lead with exactly who you are and what you’re looking for. Here’s a YouTube video I posted called “Come Out”. If you’re a little uncomfortable with that, I would suggest presenting yourself as kinky first then express an interest in being a switch, taking turns with domination and exploring together.

I highly recommend ripping the band-aid off quickly and not presenting your sexuality like it’s a cancer diagnosis. It’s fun and amazing and super sexy to be a male submissive so you’ve got to muster up all of your self acceptance and advocate for yourself. Anyone who shames you for who you are just saved you time and heartache by efficiently eliminating themselves for you. I hear too many stories of people stuck in sexually unfulfilling or incompatible relationships. You can only keep up the charade for so long, believe me, it’s better to be honest with yourself and ask for what you want.

The tides are changing, the younger generations are so much more accepting and cool about kink and gender roles so let’s all take a page from their book. Let’s stop trying to shove people into rigid and dehumanizing gender roles or making assumptions about people’s personalities based on their kinks.

If you’re a woman looking for diamond in the rough, start looking at submissive men, I see them all the time and can’t believe the missed opportunities happening right before my eyes. If you’re a submissive gentlemen looking to find a kinky or dominant girlfriend, keep your head up and use this as an opportunity to practice self acceptance and self advocacy. This is a true confidence test and builder and, we all know, there’s nothing sexier than confidence. You got this ❤️

The Bucket List: Wet and Messy

Read time: 10 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

I believe that everyone should keep an active, kinky bucket list with a few, fresh, exciting goals to work towards. Throughout my sexual journey, I’ve collected some amazing experiences, ticking off many items from that list along the way. Kinks that once seemed bizarre and salacious are now a regular occurrence for me and over time, I’ve happily replaced them with ever-increasingly uncommon kink goals.

I’ll be honest, in pursuit of my personal bucket list, sometimes I add kinks to my service list simply because I want to try them, not because they are actually in demand. Things like wedgie fetish, ABDL and tickle torture have sat there for months collecting digital dust as people request more popular kinks like bondage and facesitting. I used to lament this process but now I relish (pun intended) every moment of it! I slip on my little patience pants and wait quietly for the freaks to hear my call.

Eventually I always get my day in the sun. Just when I start thinking that I should just remove that kink from my list, a request will quietly make its way through. At first, it blends in with all the other emails and as my eyes quickly scan it, everything looks entirely standard. I peruse the information; length of consult requested, experience level, how the person identifies and lastly, kinky interests. This is when my eyes widen and I double check that I’ve read this correctly. The words Wet and Messy jump out. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

I never let myself get too excited at this stage because a large chunk of the requests I get do not materialize into actual sessions. I quel my initial excitement and scan the request again. It seems legit. WAM is not mixed in with a bunch of other interests, it’s not a box that has been mistakenly checked, this is a true fetishist who is describing their fantasy and genuinely seems interested in making it a reality. I respond and tuck my piqued interest away for the night.

I grab my coffee the next morning and sit down to do my ritualistic, inbox-clearing ceremony at my kitchen table. Standing out like a bucket of neon green slime is the confirmation for the WAM request. As I process it, I realize that this is real. After almost a year of waiting, I might finally get my kinky wish. Again, I quel my excitement because I know that many people simply ghost on the day of their session. Nerves and shame get the best of many people and until I actually see the person walk through my door, I always keep a “we’ll see” attitude. 

The arrangements begin and everything continues to seem legit. No flakey vibes, just straight forward planning and polite communication. As I proceed to prepare the scene on my end, it dawns on me what a huge amount of time and energy this will take to, not only set up, but also to clean up afterwards. I’ve had this feeling of overwhelm many times with more complicated scenes. I don’t shy away from high-prep sessions but I do realize that if this person doesn’t show up on the day of, there is a very real possibility that I will be left standing in my kitchen alone with a giant bucket of homemade green slime and a bunch of pie crusts filled with shaving cream. All dressed up and nowhere to throw.

But hey, no risk, no reward - right? So I keep chugging along, step by step, getting everything ready as if it will all go off without a hitch.

I get the confirmation email and, finally, a text on the day of the session. He’s here, parked and ready whenever I am. The familiar butterflies take flight in my stomach and I run through my set up one last time, mental checklist is complete and I know the rest is out of my hands. I close the bathroom door where my tarps and slime and balloons are all set up.

Like any relationship, subby and Domme vibes are heavily reliant on natural chemistry. There are people who walk through my door and I instantly have a feeling of kinship with them. This little PieFace was one of those people. We instantly start chatting and gushing about the scene we’re about to do. We share a few drinks and it honestly feels like I’m catching up with an old friend. I thoroughly pick his brain about this very specific and fantastical fetish, loading my kink gun with the ammo I’ll need to nail this session.

The meeting of the chatty-cathys eventually segues into the roleplay idea that I came up with. I propose that I am a rich, bratty lady who has been gifted a clown for my birthday. I can do as I please with this guy, his time (and dignity) have been pre-paid for and I can make a total mess of him, if I so choose. PieFace is (shockingly!) down (to clown) and so we begin!

As soon as I present the scene I have prepared, PieFace becomes visibly aroused and I am just beyond delighted. A brand new, empty pool sits atop the queen size mattress that lives on the studio floor. Above is my jungle gym, draped with plastic tarp. I’ve created a little incubator for my little PieFace. Exempt from messiness on the outside, I can easily dole out slimes and watch the sloppiness take full effect.

The thing is, the less I understand a kink, the more fascinated with it I become. It’s like a sexy, ridiculous puzzle to me, like kinky Candy Crush, no matter how many games I win, I want to keep playing, give me another one, make it harder, give me more! 

As a Domme who was taught entirely by subs, I love the process of learning a new person’s kink. Each move I learn is a step closer to me being able to outmaneuver them at their own game. I’ve become quicker and quicker with time and testing out my abilities in a totally unfamiliar kink is always a thrill - the more absurd, the better.

I tell him to strip down and get in the pool. He asks what my slime is made of and as I tell him the recipe he starts playing with himself. This is what I’ve been waiting for! It’s finally real! Not only is this his true, deep, actual fetish but he’s left room for me to play too. There’s no script, no rigid storyline for me to squeeze myself into, just a person jerking off with pudding and shaving cream and little old me, swirling in disbelief that this is my life!

The roleplay continues and this is where the kinky battle is fought. We’re in his fantasy now, I am a guest who must parse out the clues as quickly as possible. I’ve got to hold my own with the tools I’ve got until I pick up on that elusive thread. It’s here somewhere, it always is. I go along with the roleplay, knowing that this will be primarily psychological. I’ve only got so much slime and so many pies, I’ve got to hold my own psychologically in the meantime. I have no idea what I’m doing yet and I fucking love it. 

I do what I think might work, I start poking around at ideas. Throwing out a few key lines and waiting attentively for the response. A coherent, present response is fine for now but what I need to find is The Slump. It’s what I’m really after, the slump of a body that has just been filled with an amazing idea. Not just any idea, a long unspoken one, the one that I found and spoke out loud - sometimes for the first time. The Slump is the green light, and I’m speeding through them, locking each one in like a memory puzzle.

I’ve found the power dynamic here, a familiar thread that delights me. The tension that would generally be pain or gender based, is now mostly sensation based. It would be terrible for a pretty lady like myself to get so messy! Imagine if I accidentally fell into the slime?! Can you imagine? He definitely could! Like many of my sadistic sessions, I stay firmly locked into the cruel joy that I am not the recipient of this session. I genuinely detest being sticky so the sight of this man makes me smile in delight - better you than me is my kinky, life motto!

The pies and buckets of slime become the familiar feeling of a wielded paddle or a cocked fist with the added bonus of being silly and fun. With each pieing, I diligently wash my hands off - no slime for this little Domme-y! I kept pointing out how insanely pristine my outfit was still despite the fact that I could no longer identify the man standing before me. Hell, I could barely tell he was human anymore!

He loved this! I found a crevice, a little nook to exploit, another button to push.

What I love about my role is the fact that the more absurd and misunderstood a kink is to everyone else - the more I truly crave to meet its practitioners. ABDL, ballbusting, wedgies and fart fetishists are examples. These people often hold the most shame and are often confused themselves about their interests. They are like little gems for me to find throughout time. Not to mention, the balance of obscure fetishism with being respectful and open is so hard to find, in my experience, so with each, I truly huff up the experience like a little pervert taking a deep hull off a pair of stinky, used panties!

Okay - back to the session!

As I launched my first ever pie into his face, I felt that familiar, ecstatic feeling. The sadistic feeling of naughtiness I often get from my sessions. Asking him a seemingly sincere question and having him start to answer, only to be interrupted by an abrupt slam of pie to the face! As the shaving cream flies on the tarp covered walls, I watch his body buckle in ecstasy. I am utterly enthralled. 

Buckets and buckets go bye-bye, slopping down onto his head and face, gathering slowly at his feet. I notice that the oatmeal really helps make this slime stick, moving in slow motion down his whole body. Like most of my favourite kinks, just the thought of being in his position makes me shiver, which makes it all the more delightful to witness from the safety of my side line.

He eventually ends up laying in the bottom of the tub in about 6 inches of light green, foamy slop. I guess the weight of the slime has finally taken him down, he is one with the slop now, where he belongs. The green slime has melded thoroughly with the shaving cream from the pies and, I think it’s now very clear to Mr. PieFace, that I won’t be getting messy at all today despite my previous teasing that maybe we could take turns getting pied and slimed. When I tell him this, I make sure to point out how insanely clean I’ve remained this whole time.

Well, apparently, I’ve got the WAM dirty talk down to a T because just as I detailed this, I notice a small stream of white cum burst through the foamy cover, up into the air onto his barely recognizable, foam-covered belly. The sliming, the multiple pies to the face, the reduction of this totally clean, crisp, respectable gentlemen to a sloppy, sticky, unrecognizable mess was quite the experience - for both of us!

What I absolutely loved was the entirely juvenile and fun nature of it. I love that it’s also so insanely far away from what most of us consider sexual. Those kinks are always my favourite. I find it fascinating from afar but it’s utterly transfixing when in person. I think what I liked most though, was that I could use my experiences and skill from other, unrelated kinks in this situation. The commonalities start presenting themself and, with a communicative partner, you can start finding all the buttons. Once you find the buttons, you can start playing them in sequence, getting more and more adept until you understand every combination, every possibility. 

And this ladies and gentlemen is where I find my power, over and over. It’s not some specific set of actions, it’s not a predetermined formula, it’s much better than that. It’s hidden in your brain somewhere and when you invite me in, I immediately start digging. Quickly sorting through the information, chucking out the irrelevant chatter and ideas of misidentified importance, diving for buttons, over and over until I can outmaneuver you at your own mind. I don’t have to make the rules, I don’t even have to know them. A game you’ve created and played by yourself for 20 some years penetrated in just a few hours by my nosey, little brain. 

But, let’s be real, you want me to know all those little weak spots, don’t you? You want me to connect those kinky little dots. I watch and I wait patiently until I find that kinky, little string that connects us all. Those shy little buttons of yours, aching to be pounded and as I slowly start winding that string around my little finger, I make sure to point out that it’s connected to a giant bucket of sticky, green slime, slowly tipping over above your head and as you look up in shock, I give it the gentlest tug.

The Tough Love Teacher

Read time: 6 minutes. The following is a work of fiction.

Honesty is the best policy, but it’s easier said than done. It’s tough to know the truth about who you are, to truly understand everything you lack, the specifics of how your personhood is simply inefficient. Fret not! I’m Ms. B and I’ve been guiding my students through the reality of their personal situations for years. Once I rip the band aid off, you’ll be surprised to find that there is a place for you in this world! No, it may not be what you expected, it may not be traditionally ‘respected’ but it is a place nonetheless. I provide roles where you can be authentically yourself, where expectations are realistic and, most importantly, a place where you can be truly useful.

I created the Alternate Paths Guidance Program years ago after watching the conventional education system fail to support so many students. The system did not account for the obvious, dark truth that some of our students would need to take on some dirty jobs. Not everyone is a successful entrepreneur, a creative visionary or a reliable worker bee and we know that. There are so many roles that desperately need to be filled but don’t have (or deserve) the respect of society so we often don’t talk about them directly to pupils. Some students are left to flounder for years trying in vain to fill traditional roles that don’t suit their skills - or lack thereof. 

Well, just because we ignore them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist and I choose to be forthright with my students, setting realistic expectations about what they can expect of themselves in the real world. An Alternate Paths pupil is easy for me to identify and I’m tired of pretending I don’t see the writing on the wall with many of these hapless wanderers. Here, I’ll detail some of the non-traditional roles I coach and train my students for. Once the sting of the situation wears off, many students find a deep sense of belonging and contentment in their new, alternate life role so while the following situations may sound dehumanizing or humiliating, please proceed with an open mind.

The Toy

This is one of the gentler placements within the program. Within the world today, there is a desperate need for approval and company from others. We see it constantly online, people trying desperately to connect. Many studies indicate that online interactions consistently fail in comparison to face-to-face interactions, qualitatively. This is where a professional toy comes in! If you are selected for toy training, your personality and preferences are slowly and carefully subdued over a few training sessions. We coach you on how to be pleasant and amenable to your owner. We train toys to be passive and willing so that they can be compatible with almost any owner!

Once you are matched with an owner, you’ll be measured and fitted with a small sleeping area and put on a regular feeding schedule. This position is great for people with subdued brain activity as you’ll be spending a lot of time in a dimly lit storage space, while you await your next play time. The quiet time is essential to the process as it creates a dependence and affection for the owner. It may seem boring at first but it’s the perfect fit for some people and they fulfill their role perfectly.

Depending on the owner you get matched with, you may be used as a quiet comfort companion, a pillow or prop, you may be dressed up and talked to! Professional toys must also be trained to deal with the darker side of their future owners. Some owners may need to express anger towards their toys or use toys as masturbatory aids. Over time, the toy will become acclimatized to the moods and needs of the owner and their own desires and preferences will slowly disappear as they become better at their role.

The Medical Experiment

The medical field wastes billions of dollars per year on ethics committees. I’m sure you’ve heard of this process before, they must have each and every decision approved by the committee and quite often, important experiments are cut short because of this arduous process. With the medical experiment path in our guidance program, we match medical professionals with a trained test subject to expedite the medical process and give purpose to our prospective test subject.

Our students are trained to live simply with a focus on compliance and advanced pain tolerance. Often our test subjects have a naturally high sex drive and are happy to be rewarded with a medical semen extraction or pleasurable, genital spasm / release at the end of each experiment. Test subjects are often people who experience notable distraction from their own sex drive in real life and are best kept on a strict medical extraction schedule that co-incides with the experiments taking place at the lab they are matched with. Test subjects must be comfortable with medical bondage and the loss of physical autonomy.

The Toilet

Did you know that human toilets are an incredibly useful and widely used service? There are so many situations where using a conventional toilet is simply not an option, whether it be mobility issues or travelling, many have chosen to engage a human toilet in their day-to-day lives. One of the benefits of having a human toilet is that they are hidden in plain sight. Many can even provide low level companionship when not in use. This designation is widely considered to be dehumanizing but I believe that everyone deserves an honest assessment of their skills and for many, this is the perfect role.

Toilets are trained physically and mentally. They must master the physical skill of consumption, in addition to great service skills. Toilets are one the the most frequently used designations so they must be trained to adapt to the sleep and meal schedule of their owner. They are trained to be amenable and efficient above all else. Human toilets are easy to transport because they blend in as regular humans when not in use and some can be trained to have conversations or cross trained as toys!

Personal Drainer

There is an incredible amount of male sexual desire out there, that’s fairly obvious to everyone, I believe. Testosterone often creates a higher sex drive in those who experience it but not everyone is the same. Did you know that some men are chemically different than their dominant counterparts? Some are softer, more feminine, passive and submissive. Did you know that these passive folks can be male or female? Becoming a semen disposal unit, colloquially known as a ‘cum dumpster’, is a role often best suited for men! Frequently, beta males have less testosterone than their alpha counterparts and are therefore doomed to a life of inadequacy if left unidentified. 

Here at the Alternate Paths Guidance Program we understand that It’s not a personal failing, more of a chemical predisposition. Once the student is identified, we begin coaching and guidance. Many of these men still identify as straight so they are matched with an attractive, female teacher (such as myself) and we slowly start training them on some of the more traditionally female sexual roles such as performing fellatio and semen consumption. Fully trained cum dumpsters help make the world a more peaceful place by providing a sexual outlet to alpha men who may become aggressive without a proper release. After training, they may be placed at a glory hole or matched with an individual. They are trained to live minimally and generally have an amenable, sweet disposition.

The Sperm Donor

For many, a high sex drive can be a crippling distraction in the real world. Luckily there are roles for people like this. Many don’t know that semen is incredibly valuable when collected in the right situation, in bulk. We match sperm donors with a prospective recipient and provide affordable, accessible, third party fertility options to women and a safe, efficient outlet to the donor. Often donors go through depletion training which helps them feel simultaneously relieved and slightly adverse to further milking. This donor role requires a quantity over quality model unlike most traditional sperm donor situations, so subjects must be thoroughly trained with the help of a guide.

The Whipping Boy / Girl

This is one of the tougher but more respected roles here at the program. The reality is that life is hard for all of us, we all need an outlet and for many that takes the form of dark, sadistic desires. Unspoken by many, this is the reality and by becoming a whipping boy or girl you are helping to make the world a better place! You will be trained to experience the joy of your tormenter, putting your own pain aside. This role is physically demanding but can lead to euphoric states of mental relief and clarity. Many tormentors reward their whipping boy or girl with a medically induced orgasm at the end of each torture session but your results may vary.  

Although the role is referred to as ‘whipping’ boy or girl, this role can take on many forms. Some enjoy spanking, some enjoy inflicting pain all over the body via scratching, pinching and slapping, some walk or jump on their subjects and some tormenters become fixated on the bondage and torture of human genitals. It’s often a dark role to take on at first but, with training, people learn to feel a strong sense of affection for their assigned tormenter and a willingness to please eventually overtakes the impediment of self preservation.

So that’s it! Those are the unspoken and often overlooked roles that we promote here at the Alternate Paths Guidance Program. We understand that it’s better to work with what you really have to offer rather than pine away after roles you’ll never achieve. Let’s save you time, effort and heartache by ripping the band-aid off now with my attentive guidance. The fall semester is quickly approaching and the program is quickly filling up so don’t wait! Start your training today! You can apply here, just mention the Guidance Program and your desired role in the note at the bottom of the application form.

How To Be An Awesome Fetishist

Read time: 4 minutes.

BDSM lingo is like wine, you can get really into describing the notes, the year, the region and all that good stuff - or - you can just be like “I like red wine!” To each their own. I prefer using BDSM lingo only when it makes communication easier. Once it gets deeply semantic or theoretical, my little eyes glaze over and my pussy dries up. Much like being in the company of a wine connoisseur, I opt to grab my proverbial (and peasant-like) table wine and move slowly for the nearest exit. Just nod and smile, they’ll tucker themselves out soon enough.

Among all the terms we can talk about in BDSM; Dominant, submissive, top, bottom, masochist, sadist, kinkster, lifestyle, etc. there is an equal and opposite amount of tomfuckery surrounding the definition and meaning of each. Saying things like, “Well, you know, a Dominant isn’t necessarily a Top!” is like saying, “Well, you know, colour is an abstract concept only truly experienced by humans because of our use of language!” It’s not that you’re wrong, it’s just not my thing.

In my experience, much of the BDSM semantics serve little real world purpose. It’s all so subjective that a solid definition can always have a plethora of holes and exceptions poked in it before you even have a chance to whisper quietly to yourself, ‘I just came here to cum’.

Okay, you get it. I don’t like BDSM lingo.

Now, the definition of ‘fetishism’ is an exception for me. I’ve gotten many miles out of the term. Like many, I lumped everything all together when I first started in BDSM like a silly, word-salad buffet attendant. I thought fetish and D/s were synonymous and experienced much incredulity discovering the hard way that this particular definition actually mattered.

So, let’s get to it. A fetish is defined as:

1. a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.

2. an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit.

As much as I wish I was being patronized by people who thought my feet were inhabited by a magical spirit, I think the first definition is the most applicable in the context of BDSM.

So fetishists are people that are hyper fixating on something in a sexual way. People have foot fetishes, shoe and boot fetishes, freckle fetishes, height fetishes, even racial fetishes and tons more. Like the above foot ghost - on paper, it’s all good, in practice maybe not so much.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been highly offended by many-a fetishist. It is an inherently objectifying interaction and unless you’re fully aware of, and consenting to, this particular exchange, it can feel very disrespectful. Fetishists have a tendency to be fairly controlling in pursuit of their specific fantasy. I’m sure you can understand how this vibe is slightly at odds with the usual dynamic a Domme expects. Also, fetishists are generally hyper fixating on an aspect of a person or set of behaviours, which can come off as dismissive to the plethora of other things that particular person offers, like opinions, preferences, a personality, thoughts - that sort of thing.

Fetishists are so different from my normal patrons, sometimes it feels odd that most Dommes offer fetish services at all. It feels like those gas stations that randomly have a sushi bar in them or that place on the Queensway where they sell perfume ...and fireworks, for some reason? None of those things are inherently bad things to sell, it’s the combination that is unexpected. That’s how Dominatrices offering fetish services feels sometimes. 

For all of these reasons, in the broader BDSM community, the term fetishist is sometimes used as a pejorative. I’ll admit I’ve thrown the F bomb around (a few thousand times) myself. I’ve even made a salty ‘FemDom Fetish PSA’ video for YouTube, explaining that I’m a human being and all that good stuff.

So there’s all the reasons why friction is natural between a Domme and a fetishist but what about the success stories? What about all the lovely relationships I’ve had over the years with awesome, respectful fetishists? Including my life partner! How do those work? What’s the key to success?

I think it’s simply, mutual respect.

Yup. Trusty ol’ respect, both ways. In fact, fetishists are even a great cure for ‘Domme Disease’ too. This affliction affects many Dommes who take themselves all too seriously and start treating everyone like they're inferior, inside and outside of the dungeon. It’s a thing, I’ve done it, I learned not to do that because; real life. 

So the tips for fetishists are the exact same ones I tell myself when interfacing with a fetishist. They are:

Tip #1: This is not domination.

Just act like this interaction is at a coffee shop. Just be regular human-style polite, like this...

Me: “Hello! What can I get you today?”  

Fetish guy: “Good morning! Could I have a pair of heels dangled in my face from above while you read this script?”

Me: “Yep, the dangling heels are no problem but we’re fresh out of will to read scripts - Does that work for you?”

Fetish guy: “Okay no worries, can I lick your bare feet after the shoe dangling?”

Me: “Totally!”

Fetish guy: * slurping sounds *

Me: “Thank you - Have a great day!”

Tip #2: Approach with kid gloves and go slow.

There is an inherent mismatch here so just be aware of this. It’s like if a Republican and Democrat were to sit down and work on a project together. There can be friction and fighting if they start focusing on their differences but if both parties are cool to each other, it can be totally fine too. It just takes a little extra effort and sensitivity to bridge the gap, it’s far from impossible.

Tip #3: Respect.

If someone doesn’t like what you like, it’s okay. It’s best to just politely say ‘no thank you’ and move on. Boundary finding and enforcing is the name of the game in BDSM, it’s nothing to shy away from. Don’t yuck other people’s yums lest ye be yucked.

That’s it! That’s everything I know about how to be a great fetishist to a Domme. I hope this helps you and you get to do weird stuff in a happier way now!

Tall, Curvy & Totally Pervy

Read time: 6 minutes.

Over time, my “work uniform” has naturally come to include a pair of red, high-top, Chuck Taylors that a subby gifted me a couple years ago. Donning them for the first time in session was an instant charge of excitement. Not only did I get to ditch the uncomfortable heels I was used to wearing for my scenes, I got to replace them with something way more… me. It was actually kind of funny to realize I would never have thought to wear those for work if it hadn’t been requested by a subby. After that, I realized that in heels, I often felt performative, wobbly and uncomfortable but in my new chucks, I felt stable, grounded and authentically badass.

So, why did it take a wardrobe request for me to realize I didn’t like wearing heels? Well, as I’ve talked about on my blog previously, it’s just so damn easy to get swept up in the “shoulda coulda wouldas” of BDSM. Ideas of what to wear, how to look and how to act need to be consciously dismantled with the hope that we can make way for individuality and authenticity as we grow. Nowadays my collection of 6 inch heels and spice girl style, sky-high wedges lovingly gather dust on their display shelf while my chucks get their daily wear.

The thing is, the story about my footwear goes beyond an aesthetic preference, there’s an analogy to be found here about authenticity and simply asking ourselves “why?”. In kink and BDSM, we fancy ourselves on the fringe of society, pushing away norms, embracing our oddities and individuality, in theory at least. The truth is that, even here, there is a template, there is a path, there is an invisible default to be learned and followed. If I’m being honest, I always wore heels because I thought I had to, it simply never occurred to me not to. I was subconsciously following an imaginary script in a space that prides itself on being unscripted.

I’m not complaining, it’s all very normal and nothing to be ashamed of but something to, most certainly, be aware of. There is safety in knowing there is no leader, no right way, no ultimate feeling, experience or behaviour to attain. When we forget that we are free, we begin imagining systems and hierarchies to place ourselves in or we fall prey to the imaginations of others. We do this to each other and we do it to ourselves with our self-talk, our ranking of behaviour, our clothing and, most dangerously, with the endless criticism of our own bodies.

To me, BDSM is like a community theatre funded entirely by human shame. It’s equally as dark as it is emancipating. Parts of ourselves can finally bubble up, new characters move out of the shadows when given a chance. Shame serves as the stage and sexuality is the spot light that keeps us safe from the darkness. Often this pairing can make certain interests just palatable enough to look at if we dare and, if we’re lucky, we might even trust someone else enough to see these parts of us too.

For me, I’ve now become addicted to showing my vulnerabilities to others, surprising even myself sometimes. It seems that the process of exploring kinks is always the same, no matter how many times I do it. The anxiety never subsides completely but the pattern becomes clearer and clearer with time. The racing heart is always the marker, the arrow pointing the way and what is hidden in the dark is often a diamond in the rough. I’m sure you’ve heard the term “Your greatest weakness is your greatest strength”… well in BDSM, it’s truly a phrase to live by. What you are good at and what you truly have to offer others often lies in what you instinctively interpret as a fault.

This brings me to my point, back to those red chucks. Something I had taken for granted until recently, is the fact that I could confidently ditch the heels and still dominate with ease, partially, because I’m actually pretty tall for a lady at 5’8”. I mention this because, up until recently, I had completely forgotten about the years of my life where my tallness was a recurring point of self-consciousness, particularly when I was younger. Growing up in the 90’s, the TV shows that I watched made it pretty clear that skinny, petite, young and ultra feminine was the ideal combo for a woman. The big butted, itty-bitty-titty commitee, tall girls of the 90’s were entirely on their own apparently! The world let me know where I stood with repeated comments of “Wow, you’re tall for a girl!” or the reactions of confusion and disbelief when I dared to date someone shorter than me.

Try as I might to resist, I definitely internalized some of that shit, as did many others in my generation. The battle against body conformity continues on for most of us but for men in particular right now, often times there’s little to no empathy. Short dudes are openly looked down upon with many women unapologetically requiring a height minimum as a prerequisite for dating. Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? If we’re going to ask that women not be objectified constantly and held to rigid body standards, we should probably extend the same courtesy to men too, I believe.

And this is where I quietly slip out of the vanilla mainstream and find my comfy, cozy, happy place in kink and BDSM. When I first entered the world of FemDom, it was like all the rules of attraction completely flipped and suddenly everything hidden was revealed, everything shameful was held in awe. Now I proudly advertise as the things that were sold to me as ‘not hot’ when I was younger. Now I’m proudly tall, curvy and mature!

I resisted the pressure to lie about my age. I side stepped the misguided fixations on plastic surgery in this industry. I let go of the idea that I had to be a model or an actress to be a good Domme. I learned to love my body and the brain it holds and in exchange, I finally got to be myself. Now I can tell you, getting acceptance for who I actually am is more fulfilling than I could have ever hoped. Looking back, as with so many things in life, all the attributes I assumed needed fixing about myself were precisely what ended up being my biggest assets.

Now my soft spoken voice is seen as sexy, my thunder thighs are ogled at in awe, my maturity, kindness and self awareness are rewarded and my height is fully appreciated here. Watching the twinkling eyes of a sweet, tiny, gentleman subby as I turn around and bear my once shameful bubble butt is a hilariously full circle experience for me and I only hope the same for you. If you’re struggling with shame or insecurity about your identity or body, don’t push it down, look closer. There’s likely something delightful hidden there, even if it seems impossible. Feelings of inadequacy and humiliation are human feelings we all share and they are perfectly acceptable to have in general and totally cool to explore in BDSM, with a safe partner. Not only is it okay, it can be deeply erotic, cathartic and empowering!

So here’s my most recent example and the inspiration for this post. Since the pandemic started last year, I’ve definitely gained weight. Goodbye trim, yoga body, hello Madame Fluffy Buns! Ten years ago, this would’ve been a big deal for me, in a bad way. I would’ve locked myself away with some vegetables and beaten myself over the head with a bushel of broccoli for allowing this seemingly horrible misstep. Now, I know enough to chill the fuck out and just lean the fuck in. I even opted to get my first professional photo shoot done at my personal biggest and well, something absolutely beautiful has come of all of it! Besides my butt getting even bigger somehow and people being generally psyched about that, I’ve also got jiggly, jubbly cleavage now! Plus, I’ve been attracting a whole new crop of, petite, younger guys and I’ve now developed a whole new size comparison kink from it! Yes, a new kink! The ultimate in prizes for an introspecting pervert such as myself.

I’ve been loving the facesitting sessions with my miniature muffins! Parting my ample cheeks and taking a full-weight seat on those slight, star-eyed, little faces. Running my hands over their tiny waists and tight little chests as I easily and entirely envelope one little, happy head at a time, under my all encompassing booty. I love every part of this experience but I must say, I especially enjoy the feeling of their hands, so tiny in comparison to my giant badonk, pulling down, somehow wanting more! It honestly makes me giggle, just typing this out!

And this is why I love kink! Ultimately, I believe we all just crave acceptance and validation, whoever we are, wherever we’re at in life. Sometimes we just yearn to be seen at our most vulnerable and wholeheartedly accepted there. For me, this role has given me endless opportunity for exploration and validation, year after year, in all my various iterations along the way and all I can say is that it’s my absolute honour to be in a position to return the favour. So show up and just be yourself and I’ll lace up my trusty, red high tops for you and do the same.

Attack of the Copy Kittens!

Read time: 10 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

Like any community, there is a constant pinging of ideas in BDSM, a constant tone being achieved by the collective of all the voices. There are leaders and followers and everyone is their own special combination of both. No one is an island, we all affect and inspire each other. What really fascinates (and occasionally infuriates) me is the gray area. In this case, it’s the space where inspiration turns into thievery.

In this post, I want to explore the ideas of community, creativity and responsible influence. The main reason I’m talking about this is the real world potential to help others. I hope there are Dommes reading this thinking “OMF yes!” and I hope there’s subbies reading thinking “WTF? I had no idea!” or “YES - I’ve totally seen that!”

I’ve thought about writing this post, long and hard. I’ve witnessed friends experience outrageous thievery at the hands of very successful people with seemingly no respite. I’ve had ideas slaughtered by forgery. I’ve witnessed true kinksters lose their spark for pro BDSM because of this issue.

Within this industry (and many others) it’s very hard to talk about these things without seeming negative or accusatory but this is what I’ve realized; we can and should talk about this behaviour because it truly, negatively affects all of us, Dominants and submissives alike. 

If I’ve learned anything from BDSM, it’s that if you want something, you’ve got to ask for it directly. It isn’t until now that I’ve finally realized what the solution is. Instead of complaining about what I don’t want, I’m going to ask for and embody what I do want. I’m going to explain why it benefits everyone to cultivate originality and I’m hoping to sprinkle some seeds of creativity here myself.

INFLUENCE

The line between inspiration and plagiarism is very personal. Where one person feels fully valid, the next feels entirely ripped off. Like all subjective experiences, it just depends on the person. It depends on their perspective and experiences and we certainly don’t all agree on everything. 

So what can we say for sure? What’s the main difference between a positive, respectful influence and a blatant forger? Well, in BDSM, we all draw from the same, general pool of kinks and interests, so of course there’s going to be tons of reasonable overlap. For the sake of this post, I’ll just clarify that there’s tons of commonalities here and I’m not referring to any of those. When I go on to refer to plagiarism, I’m referring to straight up copy kitten-ery. 

A few examples of copy kitten attacks that I’ve experienced and witnessed personally: Having someone use the same name as you, the same tagline, the same phrasing on their site, copied tweets, blog posts, stolen event and business names. Yes, those are all things I’ve actually witnessed firsthand and each is just as ridiculous as it sounds. And if you were wondering - yup! -  these are people who live in the same city! It sounds absurd but it’s a part of this industry and many who hold this position quietly seethe behind closed doors waiting for the next attack of the copy kittens!

It’s also worth reiterating that it’s very evident that we are all influenced by each other. Everyone in BDSM dresses the same and uses the same terminology. Most participants don’t even have to open their mouths, one glance and even the most vanilla among us can identify a Dominatrix and her slave. We know that each Domme didn’t come up with this image in her mind from within a vacuum. Of course not. She saw another Domme wearing a super hot outfit and thought - holy shit! That’s super hot, I want to get something like that too!

It’s all good, we’re people, that’s how we roll. It’s the reason why humans are the apex predator, we work insanely well as a group and our communication skills are top notch. We’re endlessly connected to and bouncing off of each other and ideas are our currency. Even the most oppositional among us is either acting within or reacting to the ideas of another. So what motivates us to veer past harmless inspiration and straight into the copy cat kingdom?

THE “KEEPING UP” ILLUSION

Welcome to my fuck up. When I think back on when I first started in FemDom, I cringe. I remember copying and pasting another Domme’s service list onto my fresh, little website with a twinkle in my eye and not a clue in my head. It didn’t occur to me until a couple years later how really, really uncool that was, particularly considering this was someone in my local market. I copied the general format of her website as well and started parroting some of her ideas on my sparkly, new Domme Twitter. 

The problem was, I didn’t see her as an equal, I saw her as leagues ahead, a lighthouse far in the distance. I saw her site as a public template, she was the representative of the whole industry to me. Now I think back and shake my head. Now I know that each Domme is actually a small business and most popular Dommes have a unique perspective and carefully chosen niches informed by experience and business savvy. As a novice, it all felt generic and indistinguishable. Looking back, it was probably very obvious that I was just parroting things I’d seen somewhere else. It might’ve also been blatantly obvious who I got it from.

The thing is, it felt like I was just trying to ‘keep up’ and now I know, this is a very misleading, toxic road to go down. Yes, we must learn from each other, we must do our market research but we must also realize that there is no golden standard here. It’s a wide open field and each person must find their own path. The feeling of ‘keeping up’ is just a thinly veiled scarcity complex. This industry has no clear path, no standards and very little guidance so creating goals for yourself is understandable and necessary but we’ve got to be very careful what those goals are and why. If you find yourself closely shadowing the moves of another person, chances are, you’re on the wrong track and chances are, they see you.

This applies to subbies as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had subbies allude to ‘probably not being as good’ as my other subs. It’s particularly egregious when I’ve just had an amazing session with someone and they don’t even get the credit for it in their own mind. We have to create a stark line between fantasy and reality here. FemDom clips and marketing are meant to inspire and excite us, nothing more, nothing less. You’re truly not expected to do anything but your best and what excites you, in particular.

The goal for both sides of the D/s dynamic is to be yourself and it’s surprisingly hard to do.

ALL GOOD IDEAS WILL BE STOLEN

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” - a phrase that still stings my soul a little when I hear it. Memories go as far back as second grade for me, watching as my arts and crafts idea was slowly copied by each and every one of my classmates. Watching in horror as I realized that I would be getting exactly zero credit for this idea and when I cried to my teacher she told me to take it as a compliment.

Now, 30 years later, as a (somewhat) grown up, business lady, I’m very familiar with plagiarism. It’s just a part of my job at this point, a constant presence. I know that any good idea will be taken and I will also, occasionally opt into the good ideas of others. It’s a trade off for the most part, a part of any business and it is also known as good ol’ fashioned competition. Some is fair and healthy and some is down right dirty, I’ve honestly seen it all. For the most part I enjoy the challenge, I like being kept on my toes, being forced to out-maneuver, to fortify and evolve but other times it’s just downright disheartening. 

So where is this line? When does healthy inspiration turn into thoughtless forgery? Why does some inspiration feel totally heartwarming and some feels pearl-clutchingly offensive? How do creators respectfully build off of the ideas of others? 

THE GENTLEMEN’S AGREEMENT

There seems to be a gentlemen’s agreement among most, fellow creatives. There is an intuitive understanding that a direct copy isn’t going to serve anyone. For example, if someone in my market invests in an expensive piece of equipment, it may inspire me to invest in something as well, but the unspoken gentlemen’s agreement would dictate that it simply be a different piece of equipment.

If you adhere to the agreement, you generally benefit from it too. If and when you come up with a good idea, it will be left alone for a time so you can soak up the benefits before it becomes amalgamated into the community. Sure, right now, you don’t get the shiny thing but you can in the future or you may even build strong relationships with others by building trust and be able to rent it from them or something like that. The gentlemen’s agreement is truly a Win-Win for everyone involved but you’ve got to have patience and conscientiousness for it to work.

HOMOGENY

A varied market is a healthy market. Finding a niche is the name of the game. By shadowing the moves of someone in your market (city) you’re fucking yourself over just as much as you’re fucking them over. Countless times, I’ve spent time and effort carving out a niche for myself, only to have my little, local shadows follow suit. If it were a savvy business decision, I would respect it but it’s just a mindless, self-destructive pattern for most. I’ve done my research and found a few, niche specialties that no others offered in my market. These were things I thought would be fun to get into and had either no interest, or very little, from other providers at the time. Cut to a year later and let’s just say, it’s very clear that it’s not just local subbies perusing my website for kinky ideas.

Original graphic found on this UK news site ;)

My personal feelings about that aside, the real-world problem is, by following the template of another, local Domme, you’re missing the opportunity to provide something they don’t. You could have a lane all to yourself. The same principle applies to subbies. Stop trying to homogenize yourself into the crowd, truly think about what you are naturally good at and optimize that. Are you a great listener? Do we share a common interest? All of this is meant to show you who you are. Keep that in mind and stop trying to blend in.

I remember going to a public BDSM event a few years ago and being thoroughly shocked to see I was the only person wearing a colour other than black. The only person out of hundreds of kinksters! To me, that says a lot about the quiet, unspoken rules of conformity that exist even within communities on the fringe and this behaviour goes far beyond a colour preference.

Do we all want to have the same experience? The same website? The same kinks? The same descriptions? The same booking form? The same equipment? The same taglines and titles? The same outfits? The same desires? The same sex life? I certainly don’t. The truth is that everyone excels at something, the fun part is finding out what that is. 

We’re all here because we’re fucking weirdos! So go forth and be weird already!

ABSTINENCE

Well, I never thought I’d write that word on my website - but here we go! Yes, I would suggest experimenting with abstaining from FemDom clips and marketing, this goes for both Dommes and subbies. Start from square one and work on building those imagination muscles in your own, kinky, little vacuum. I think you’ll be surprised where your mind wanders and how flush with D/s dynamics life truly is. It’s a lot more than a man in a cage or a woman wearing a latex catsuit and once you force your mind to look for it, you’ll realize that it’s everywhere.

For me, my days of ‘market research’ are over. I now intentionally insulate myself from the marketing and ideas of other Dommes in an attempt to truly take a dose of my own medicine, aka all the advice I’ve dolled out in this post. I quit social media last year and have been enjoying my time outside of the echo chamber. I have a few friends in the community who I can bounce ideas off of, which is nice, but not a necessity anymore. Now, I finally have the confidence to simply do what feels right to me, on each day, in each moment, removed from the context of anyone else's ideas or desires except my own and the person in front of me. It’s taken awhile but it’s very liberating.

CHOOSE A DIFFERENT CITY

Having said all that, it is tough to create within a vacuum. We all need some inspiration from time to time and until there’s a ‘Pinterest for Sadists’, many will continue to look to each other for ideas. What I strongly recommend for Dommes seeking inspiration is to simply look outside of your own city. Perhaps we should start a Dominatrix pen pal system, where we can freely swap ideas and they don’t directly affect our businesses locally? Until we do that, we’ve got to self regulate, so let’s just be mindful of where we draw inspiration.

Just imagine a market where each Domme was influenced by a totally different vibe, how amazing that would be as a provider? And how exciting that would be as a client in that city? We can’t help but be influenced by what surrounds us, so if you’re in need of inspiration, find someone in a different market who you respect and glean some ideas from them. Be intentional about where you draw your inspiration from.

START CREATING

Nothing is ever entirely original, that isn’t the goal. Creativity these days is simply connecting two disparate ideas, two things that haven’t been connected before. Something as simple as using a kitty litter box in your sessions as a humiliation device or binding your sub to the bottom of an upside down massage table instead of the top and riding them like a surfboard. 

Build off of good ideas. Learn to identify an original line of thinking and take the next step or a lateral step instead of an identical one. Start looking outside of your local market for inspiration, perhaps even outside of your industry altogether! Identify the urge to emulate and assess the motivation before proceeding. If you’re truly turned on and passionate about the idea, fuck yes! Go for it! But if the motivation is grounded in anxiety then just wait, it may be scarcity complex rearing its head. Take a breath and go forward with clear intention.

Cultivate creativity! It’s a valuable skill that you get to take with you, in and outside of BDSM.

Truly and honestly, I have a deep kinship with everyone who is drawn to BDSM. We are all our own, special type of weirdo. It’s not something to quell or diminish, it’s something to explore and expand upon. Break out of the mold, even if it’s just one inch at a time. The goal is never to beat someone at being them, it’s simply to find yourself and be that ;)

The Hedonic Treadmill of Kink

Read time: 12 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

What can I say? The grass is always greener around someone else’s BDSM slave cage, I suppose. Future tripping is alive and well in the hearts and minds of those who seek to explore the realms of BDSM, of course, not all - but many. Enough to elicit this post.

If you often jump from one kink to the next, have trouble staying in the moment or achieving subspace or feel like sessions never live up to your expectations - this post is for you!

Cheer up, sad gimpy! Subspace is closer than you think!

I had an awesome conversation with a fellow Domme recently that really got me thinking. If you’re familiar with my blog, she’s the one who inspired the first takeaway in the post:  “From Feared to Sincere: 5 Takeaways From 5 Years in FemDom”. The part about all FemDom personas potentially being narcissistic was inspired by a discussion with her. Well here she is again, inspiring more kinky ponderings! This time it relates to the clients we know as Das Kinky Gold Fishes, or the ADHD of cocks, an affliction that affects so many, yet I can’t find much written about it.

So what am I talking about, specifically?

Well, there are just so many people who cannot be in their bodies. They seem to resent and buck against it like they even have a choice. There are many ways to phrase it but it’s essentially an inability to be present. I’ve seen some cases so bad that they literally check out every five seconds. Sentences get cut off, eyes wander, the person either lives in what is about to happen or what happened last time which leaves me solidly alone, in the present. As a provider and person trying to do a good job and have fun, I’m sure you can see where it becomes frustrating.

I’ll share a few examples.

Example #1: New Toy Syndrome.

I have a FemDom mentor who owns her own play space. Her dungeon is a Domme’s wet dream come to life. Anyone who gets an invite, vibrates with fangirl excitement only to be truly floored at the actual beauty of this space. It’s filled with expensive, hard-to-find, hand selected equipment and implements with earthy, classy, vintage vibes - truly something to aspire to. It’s her own private, fully dedicated space, something most of us simply can’t afford. The space is a testament to her well-deserved success. 

I’m not super close with her but I remember her mentioning one time about her frustration with some of her subbies who see her and then say, “let me know when you get new toys and I’ll book another session!”. Well, my little eyes lit up upon hearing this because I’ve heard this exact same sentiment many-a-time from my own subbies and plenty of gold fishies too!

Now, I have sympathy for the subbies who say things like this because I believe it’s more of an empty gesture thing to say than anything else, just a conversational throwaway. Nonetheless it’s still a bit deflating to hear when most of us have access to a lot of equipment and spend lots of time and energy investing in toys and outfits. The fact that she was experiencing this same phenomenon really opened my eyes. Of course, I’ve always received those requests too, but I don’t have her space so I took it more at face value and thought, maybe I should get more toys? The idea that I could potentially have a dream space like hers and still get gold fishies there - it really made me think.

As Pro Dommes, our job is all about the details, we’re all detail fetishists in our own right, it’s a part of our job. So the thought of someone seeing all these implements, all this equipment, every nook and cranny full of life, collections and ideas hosted by a person so ripe with ideas they haven’t slowed down after 10 years of practice. The thought that any pair of eyes could glaze over after all this and totally diminish the experience to the future idea of ‘new toys’. I mean - it still breaks my brain a little bit!

Example #2: Be This - No Wait! Be That!

A few years ago, I presented a much tougher, ‘hardcore’ image or ‘brand’. My main request from subbies at that time was to ‘go easy’, ‘be nice’, or ‘have mercy!’. Now that I lead with my softer side, acceptance, vulnerability and safety - you guessed it! - my consistent request is to ‘go harder’, ‘be more intense’, ‘push my boundaries’. Keep in mind, I’m the same person now that I was then, offering the same things. I’m not complaining, I totally get it but it’s a great example of the grass is always greener effect.

Example #3: What’s Next?

Another example: My friend offers online, mutual masturbation sessions to a long-distance regular over webcam. At the beginning and end of every session he asks how they can “up the intensity” or “change things up”. So just think about how you would ‘spice things up’ for this person. New toys? Bigger toys? More toys at once? Different outfits? Extra person? Different angles? There’s not a lot you can do without investing more money than it’s worth, changing the context of the interaction or pushing the boundaries of either participant.

The funny thing about these types of subs is that they often don’t like any of the suggestions thrown out to them. When you do hit on something they want to try - Ding! Ding! Ding! - You guessed it, you’re often met with the same feedback at the end, “That was fun but can we try something more intense next time?”

Example #4: Desenti-trons.

I’ve noticed that the people attracted to the more extreme kinktivities, like brown showers, extreme pain and consensual non consent, are also the people least likely to enjoy themselves during their scenes. This is part of the reason I’ve shifted my focus to more chill sessions in the last year or so. My theory is that people that are attracted to extremes in BDSM have not learned the basics of being in their body and being present for simple experiences. Of course, not all, but many. 

Instead of doing the basic work of being present, which often involves learning to be vulnerable, they skip that step and run towards the next extreme and then the next and then the next. I believe that they hope the extreme nature of the scene will get them out of their heads but what they don’t realize is - only they can get themselves into subspace and into the present moment, there’s no magic person or activity that does it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Control is given, not taken.

Good News! The Cure Is Right Here

And this brings me to the point of this post, this endless loop of dissatisfaction, aka The Hedonic Treadmill of Kink. 

I’ve seen it for years and I’ve been there myself. Here’s my advice: Being present and being aware is work and it takes an ongoing effort but it is so fucking worth it. No magic person or object is going to come along and cure all that ails you, it requires a concerted effort from you.

Focus on vulnerability. I don’t mean throwing away boundaries or being unsafe, but opening yourself up to the present moment. Stop fixating on grandiosity and come back down into real life, the simple things that are present right now. The sun shining through the curtains, the slight butterflies of excitement in your stomach, the twists and turns of the conversation with a new person. Stop trying to control and predict and start experiencing.

A lot of us live in the intellectual side of our experiences. I believe that when we do this, we’re really just trying to protect ourselves from our feelings. I’m guilty of this and I think the majority of people interested in BDSM are too! The only thing that has helped me exit that way of thinking is the practice of mindfulness. I love this course from audible called “Practicing Mindfulness: An Introduction to Meditation”.

Yes, yes, yes - I’m yet another person suggesting mindfulness meditation but I don’t give a shit because it actually works! Mindfulness literally sets you free and gives you your life back, including your sexuality. It’s definitely worth putting your efforts into. Yes, it’s scary and painful and boring at first but it’s ultimately one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself and those you love.

Kink and BDSM are great tools in practicing simple experiences like being present, being in the moment, being in your body, working through fear, working through pain and being vulnerable to another person. I’ve developed my mindfulness muscles through practicing both professional BDSM and through years of daily yoga practice. My strongest understanding of the submission offered in BDSM is through the surrender I’ve cultivated in yoga. Here are some examples of what I’ve learned about BDSM through yoga…

Tip #1: Become The Observer

A few years ago, in a busy yoga studio in downtown Calgary, the class is full and the yoga instructor is calmly walking us through our moving meditation. She is telling us to feel our bodies and watch our thoughts as they arise, objectively. As the class is slowing down and the studio becomes almost silent, a car alarm goes off right outside the window of the studio. I think to myself, “Well, this is awkward” and feel immediate empathy for the instructor.

She just continues on. She speaks calmly over the alarm and I assume she’s just going to ignore it altogether. “Everything that happens on your mat today is a part of your practice, the feelings in your body, the thoughts running through your head, the sounds that fill the space. Nothing is right or wrong here, everything simply ‘is’. Perhaps a thought passes by of what you’re going to have for dinner tonight, the ideas you have about what your body should or shouldn’t be doing right now, maybe a memory flickers through your mind momentarily. Maybe, perhaps, your attention wanders to the sound of, say… a car alarm outside, it’s all something we accept and witness objectively from a place of stillness as we stay in our bodies, on our mats within our practice.”

In BDSM, the car alarm is your brain and the same rules apply - and work. You just keep coming back to stillness and awareness, over and over.

Tip #2: Gain Control to Lose Control

There is a lot of preparation in yoga for dealing with our egos. It’s a part of almost every class I’ve ever attended. I’ve heard countless hours of phrases like this; ‘You don’t win a prize for putting your leg behind your head, that is not the goal!’ or ‘yoga is in your mind, you can be just sitting down and practicing’ and, of course, ‘yoga is a moving meditation’. It wasn’t until years into my practice that I understood why this preparation was so important.

As a person who always thought to myself, “Um, yes the goal certainly is to get my leg behind my head - Why else would I be stretching it every day?!” Like many others, I missed the point entirely for many years, mistaking my flexibility for a Best Yoga Lady award. Meanwhile, those diligent instructors stood before me, repeating the answer I needed, again and again, until I finally got it.

With any task, particularly anything physical, we crave validation and logic. We naturally rank and measure, it’s simply human nature, but yoga (like BDSM) is a subjective experience. Its very nature is to be immeasurable. If you let your ego reduce it to a physical competition, you’re just not going to get as much out of your experience.

By fixating on what the person on the yoga mat next to you is doing, you’re not fully in your practice, your ego is running the show. A comparison can be made with extreme FemDom clips. I’ve seen it, I’ve done it. I also totally get why every single yoga instructor harps on and on and on about not doing that.

Both yoga and BDSM have the illusion of physicality to overcome first and foremost. We have to remember that our minds and bodies are not separate, they an inextricably interwoven, one does not go without the other. When we compartmentalize our bodies away from our minds, we miss the point entirely. This truly is not a competition with others or ourselves - it’s a practice and it simply requires dedication. The physical accomplishments come and go, the competition doesn’t really exist, the only constant is you. You must develop some level of discipline if you want to get anything of substance out of your submission. Simply put: You’ve got to gain control over yourself before you can offer control to someone else.

Tip #3: Collect the Experience

In BDSM, we can get very rigid with our expectations, I see it all the time. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favour if you can just mentally prepare for the unknown. The way I like to think of it is that there’s always a lesson there for you but you don’t always get to choose what it is.

So many times, I’ll introduce something into a BDSM session, like a hood and the subby will perk up, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going to put a hood on me!” Correct. That’s part of the fun, it’s part of the experience. I understand that it’s scary and I generally just stop and ask if putting a hood on is a hard limit. I’ll explain what I’m going to do, what it will feel like and explain that we can take it off if necessary and move on from there. Generally people are okay after that but the impulse to control is still there.

I hope you can see where just being able to go with the flow really helps have a more exciting experience. Just like I can always walk out of a yoga class, you can always use your safe word but I think the goal is to not walk out, to not call red. My goal is to stay and see what I can handle and collect the experience as it comes while trying my hardest not to control the outcome.

If you find a hard limit, awesome. If you end up just needing a chill hang, great. If you hit subspace and have a transcendent experience - sweet! Neither one of us knows what will come of our time together, that’s why it’s fun and exciting. The unknown is not something to be organized and squashed before it’s even had time to manifest, it’s sacred in our world, something to be celebrated and preserved. There are plenty of mundane, predictable experiences in our day-to-day lives and this doesn’t have to be one of them.

Final Tip: Show Up For Yourself

In BDSM I have chosen to be like the yoga teachers I’ve admired. The ones that always gave their students full credit for the work done in their classes. They reminded everyone that this is your yoga mat, your practice, your body, your life. Sometimes you have a great, mindful, peace-filled practice and sometimes you're swamped with feelings and fail to get out of your head the whole time.

You don’t control, you just show up and watch with acceptance. It’s a deceptively simple task and your commitment renews with every new moment.

I’ve poured sweat into my yoga mat, I’ve grieved on that mat, I’ve shaken from fatigue and I’ve experienced countless hours of bliss there. My mat has been laid on the wooden floors of studios all over Canada and has seen the teachings of almost every style, multiple times over, hundreds and hundreds of hours. My hands have carved away at the thick layers, all four corners of each of my feet placed there mindfully, again and again, a testimonial to the simple act of showing up.

Now I understand that the goal is not to complete your practice or sprint to the end, the goal is built into the name, ‘practice’. It’s simply showing up and trying, accepting whatever happens on that day, at that time. This mindset is what I experience in BDSM as well.

I aspire to bring what I’ve learned from my favourite yoga teachers to my domination style. I’ve shied away from culty, angry, controlling yoga teachers in the same way I’ve shied away from those same vibes in BDSM. I’ve found my place as a guide, a space holder, a witness to your ability to show up for yourself.

So go ahead - show up. Show up in each moment, over and over. Let a voice of acceptance run quietly in the background. Show up for me if you need that excuse but above all, show up for yourself. You deserve to enjoy your sexuality to its fullest extent, you deserve to be here and you deserve to experience everything that is right here, right now. There is so much to be found in simplicity if you just learn to slow down and open yourself up to it.

I hope this helps you find an easier path to subspace or just helps with having a better time with life in general!

xo Bastienne

Cock and Ball Bondage

Read time: 4 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

Like many things in BDSM, rope bondage seems to lie just out of reach, on the other side of the stern gaze of it’s diligent gatekeepers. I’ve heard of militant bondage classes, hosted by humourless ‘Lords of the Scene’ filled to the brim with male dominants and their submissive, female rope bunnies. On the flip side, I’ve also been fortunate enough to know a few of the rope-loving outliers, the people proficient in rope bondage who are actual, down-to-earth human types who warn of the risks but also welcome experimentation in equal measures.

For Buddha’s sake, let’s all strive to be the latter type of person.

I get it, I get it. Rope play comes with some serious, inherent risks - permanent nerve damage being one of them! It’s nothing to take lightly but also - let’s be real. That level of risk is avoidable, particularly when you’re at a beginner level and if you start with common sense and some trusty ol’ BDSM communication skills. Most of the risk is associated with suspension bondage which is only safely done after years of experience. Truthfully, most of us don’t strive for that goal and that’s okay. Us rope-bondage-ground-dwellers are just as happy and pervy chillin’ on the floor or a cozy bed.

For years, I’ve opted to use cuffs in my scenes because I found rope bondage to be too time consuming. I would feel uneasy ‘wasting’ 20 minutes of prep time right off the top. I definitely don’t want to squander precious session time or be known as ‘that’ provider. It was always so strange, even people who specifically asked for rope bondage seemed to become bored during the process and like any semi-observational business person, I just intuitively moved away from it. Here’s an awesome article about this exact experience from the perspective of a rope bottom on submissiveguide.com.

Well, like so many things in BDSM, I’ve inevitably circled back around to rope and I come bearing bound balls and tightly tied up cocks - everyone’s favourite! 

Here’s the thing; the language of BDSM is obfuscated heavily by people’s inability to discern between fantasy and reality. No complaints here - just being honest. As a facilitator of both fantasy and reality, I view it as my job to discern between the two, to translate that language for people. I’ve learned that when most people ask for ‘rope bondage’ they actually mean ‘tight bondage’. Good to know. Also, often when subbies see or feel rope, they go BOING! So where’s the happy medium here? Where’s the common ground between rope boners and efficiency? Well if you know me at all, you’ll know exactly where I ended up finding it… 

Dicks & Balls.

Mmm hmm… Those trusty good-time-havers all hanging out, just begging for tomfuckery. I mean who doesn’t love the graze of a diligent rope-wielding hand across the head of their silly cock? What about the tightening, snake-like grip of rope around a pair of sensitive nuts? No offense to your arms and legs and other bits but, c’mon, they’re so boring compared to your hotdog and heuvos, all full of nerves and pride and such. As a Certified Cock Consultant and Testicle Top Dog, I feel much more comfortable tying up that region than I do the other (boring) extremities. 

The time for cock and ball bondage is nigh so let me tell you all about the obstacles and discoveries I’ve found along the way and how this all has become my current, BDSM flame.

The first obstacle I overcame was all the gatekeeping. Yes, there are revered riggers in every community (almost exclusively male the last time I checked) who hang their hat on keeping that sweet, sweet gate locked. You know what’s great though? Life is awesome and if you’re patient and observant enough you can identify and maneuver around such illusions. We’re all free to explore what we want and gain the information that we need, we just simply need to give ourselves permission. Unlock that damn gate yourself with humility and experience. 

Side tangent alert: If you frequent my blog or podcast-y newsletter thingy you know that I’m not a fan of extraneous ego puffing. I appreciate a nice, solid grip on reality for you and for me. Beyond just being appealing in general, humility will keep you safe while practicing BDSM. Let’s be the change we want to see and I, personally, want to see your cock and balls safely tied into a pretty, little pretzel! All while having some genuine, down-to-earth, dirty, silly fun.

Okay, back to the point: The second obstacle I overcame was the whole “OMG take foreverrrrrr” time consuming aspect of rope bondage. Not wanting to misuse session time, I couldn’t find a feasible use for it for many years until my recent AHA! moment. Many practitioners know that there are certain sessions that cannot realistically be done for long periods of time. Anything that wears consistently on one body part or is in some other way intense. Wedgies, ballbusting and (surprisingly) foot worship are a few examples. Providers often sneakily work in breaks for the bottom and disguise them as dirty talk, humiliation or a change of position. 

Enter scene: CBT Bondage. Yup, the perfect remedy for a boring testicle break is some low-key, chill bondage time! Two birds, one stone. 

Obstacle number three: Does a bored person mean bored boners? Surprise! This is reverse psychology for wieners! I’ve found that ignoring a wiener will often have the counterintuitive effect of inflating it like a party balloon on your birthday. Cocks are naturally shy creatures, they need reassurance and distraction to come out and play. By tying the pecker up and out of the way, for something like ballbusting for example, the weeny will often feel so comfy and chill, it’ll start swelling up.

This leads to one of my first discoveries: Boner predicament bondage provides a chastity like bind. This is a lovely two way street. If you’re at full mast, I use it as an anchor point, if not, I make a snuggly sleeping bag for it to be confined tightly within while all the fun happens below. Much like a toddler, a dick will instinctively want what it can’t have and start throwing a big, puffy tantrum about it. Watching the skin inflate and poke around the ropes, provides great entertainment for me while I work.

Another related discovery: The cat’s cock cradle. If you have one of my fancy, dancy, heavy duty, handmade ball crushers, you can play your own pervy version of this game. It’s functional and fun and requires just enough concentration that you actually feel proud when you figure out a useful tie. The main functional focus is to isolate the balls, the rest is fancy, symmetrical art!

So that’s pretty much it! I’ve been having tons of fun with cock and ball bondage lately and I hope you do too. As with anything, go slow and careful and listen to your body throughout. I hope this post helps alleviate some of the unnecessary insecurity that comes with trying anything new and inspires you to unlock the imaginary gates of experimentation. Have fun and enjoy some of my most recent weavings.

The Trampling Disco

Read time: 2 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

One of the main things I like to stay focused on for my clients is keeping myself excited and engaged in the sessions I provide. I don’t think it’s a secret that this is a job and like any job it can become monotonous if you let it. I’ve heard plenty of complaints about clock-watching Dommes who are clearly not enjoying themselves or underwhelmed Dommes in FemDom clips just going through the motions. I am familiar with this energy (or lack thereof) because I’ve been one of those Dommes! On various occasions! You live, you learn, right? It takes time to figure out what you like, what you don’t like and what you’re good at. 

Now I know that a big part of my job is to simply stay engaged and excited in each play session I provide. It takes a bit of extra effort but it’s always well worth it! Recently I got the opportunity to revive one of the Golden Oldies of Kink - Trampling! I used to get these requests all the time but over the past year or so the demand dried up for a bit. In my experience, this happens with all kink fads, people’s collective interests wander to other kinks and then inevitably circle back.

Well it looks like trampling is having a comeback and my chunky butt is all about it! 

Trampling is essentially just walking on someone, mainly their chest and the top of their thighs. There’s a few ways I could do this, I could silently and awkwardly stand on the person while holding unsettling eye contact. Another option; I could snarl and point at them while narrating what’s happening with specklings of the phrases “bad boy” and “good boy” interspersed throughout. Or I could opt for the 3rd and final option, I could turn the tramplee into the dancefloor of Bastienne’s Disco!

Look - it’s the Big-Butted Disco Queen of your dreamz!

With my snazzy bell bottoms, disco ball, sweet jams and even cooler moves, you’re going to LOVE being turned into a dance floor! The music is amazing and the vibes are great but best of all you get to be my back up singer! Yes, that’s right, you - the dirty, ol’ dance floor! Are you excited? Me too! Obviously we’ll have to try different songs and practice our harmonies so get ready for lots of laughs and a few days of bruises! Well worth it, I think!

Listen to me gush all about it here in my “Writings & Ramblings” newsletter thingy. At the end of the commentary is an amazing audio snippet from my latest, Abba inspired, trample-disco-fiesta. If you can make it through the whole audio without giggling or getting a boner, you are officially a robot! Go listen and while you’re there, sign up for my newsletter to get free Kinky Thinky injected straight into your slutty little email box every Tuesday!

xo Bastienne “Dancing Queen” Cross

Face Humping Heaven

Read time: 5 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

Many people ask me to objectify them but few can endure my conceptions. Objectification is one of my favourite kinks, one that I share, one that I understand intuitively. In particular, I love the challenge of sexually objectifying men. I’ve lived many years being sexually objectified by everyone who lays eyes on me; strangers, coworkers, friends - by literally anyone who gets a tingle in their pants from me. It seemed fairly clear to me from a young age, I simply had two options: I could either shy away from my power, obscuring my sexuality to the best of my ability or I could walk into it confidently, hands firmly on the steering wheel, in control of my objectification, my pockets fuller for the choice. I, obviously, chose the latter.

Oddly enough, the opportunity to objectify men is not an act of malice for me, it’s a cathartic practice in balance, a bonding experience, an initiation. I don’t find this exchange of power anywhere but here and I love it. Listen, I know my pictures will be used as masturbatory fuel, my words and thoughts skewed to match the desires of the watcher, my body judged and placed into imaginary scenarios - and guess what? I enjoy it, I own it, I control it and what I can’t control, I simply let go. Objectification is a part of my narrative and I am the author.

When you ask me to objectify you, you ask me to teach you, to haze you, to welcome you into my practice. It’s transcendental and powerful to control what you can and to fully surrender to everything you can’t. For me, this is the root of most BDSM play; the ownership over one’s own suffering, the beautiful vulnerability and real life power that you can access here. It makes perfect sense to me why you would want to experience that and I am fortunate enough to be able to give it to you.

Oh look - Madame Fluffy Buns is at it again!

An object is a ‘material thing that can be seen or touched’. Okay, so that’s insanely vast. Perhaps this explains the common requests to be a human footstool or an ashtray. Object? Yes. Fun object? No. The world is your objectified oyster here guys and if you’re going to let me pick, I’m going for something a little more… interactive. A punching bag, a yoga mat, an aerobics step, a toilet, how about a sybian? In my opinion, becoming an object involves losing part of your humanity and we’re on the clock here, I’m not waiting 4 hours for your knees to buckle, I want to watch you sacrifice right here, right now. 

Like the surfer who waits for the ocean to lift them, smothering sessions are like my perfect wave. They contain vulnerability, presence, suffering, pleasure and luck in perfectly equal, ever shifting parts. They can be delightfully objectifying and like most great things in life, smothering is deceivingly simple. It can be reduced to a monotonous series of movements or it can be a dance back and forth between sacrifice and pleasure, the depth of the experience depends on the partner. Listen, I’ll admit, I have the easier role because, well, I can breathe during my part of the dance. This gives me an elevated platform to work from, everything is easier than basic primal instinct so I’ve given myself a little task to work on while I wait for you.

When you ask me to objectify you, you ask me to teach you, to haze you, to welcome you into my practice. It’s transcendental and powerful to control what you can and to fully surrender to everything you can’t.

The dichotomy is intoxicating. This is our sick little deal; you sacrifice breath and I sacrifice stability. We’re working towards the same goal - my pleasure - and if we work as a team, we can become Team Wet Panties. Unlike getting on all fours and grueling through a half an hour with my feet propped on your back, this will be immediate and require some communication. Like most people, I need a nice steady rhythm to get there. If the rhythm is changed, by say, perhaps, a person needing to breathe then the orgasm train grinds to a halt and starts back up at the beginning. It’s a meditative, slippery practice but someone’s gotta train you!

Truthfully, I resent the theatre of FemDom and rejoice in the exchange of verifiable sacrifice. You can save the bowed head, the meaningless titles and promises, you can keep your lip service and acting to yourself, I want your breath. I want to watch you panic below me, even if it’s only for a moment. I want to witness physical evidence, I want to see your will to make me cum in the concave of your chest, your reddened eyes, the heaving of your suffering body. I want my pleasure to overtake your pain. You need to want my cum more than you want air.

Professional Bubble Butt, Bastienne Cross.

You see, I don’t even have to see you to know that the loveliest thing about your face is that little button in the middle. With a perfect slope up and a squishy little end. The cheeks beside it align perfectly with mine, an adorable little seat for my big, fluffy buns. As a very tactile person, I don’t want to speculate about what the landscape of your face might provide, I want to feel it for myself. The most cerebral part of you being ground down by the most carnal part of me. The squishy nostrils that move when I push my clit up against them, the perfect ridge of your brow as your nose slips inside me, all of it. I want to feel the weight of my body squeeze your eyes shut despite your best attempts to blink. I want to turn the face in your family portraits into nothing but a fuck toy. I want to feel your regret but mostly I want to feel you push through it. 

The layer of latex between us makes you feel more like a toy than anything. My instincts want to shove you roughly into place but I know I must be patient. This is where I give. First we establish the rhythm, we test the limits of your lungs. You must trust that I’ll let you breathe and I must trust that you’ll try to hold it. Both efforts must be equal for this to work and we have to work in tandem, adjusting the dials until that lovely harmonic is achieved. Once the timing is worked out, I begin cultivating my orgasm. Rubbing with fingers or a vibrator on my clit until I start slipping back and forth with the rhythm we've established. The only break being your incessant need for air. If I’m given enough of a work up, I can hold my momentum but only for a few moments. You must learn to use your breath wisely. 

You can save the bowed head, the meaningless titles and promises, you can keep your lip service and acting to yourself, I want your breath.

You must learn to surrender to my pleasure and I must learn to remember you’re still a person as I draw closer to orgasm. Both roles entail an intensely powerful exchange that takes considerable mental presence and willpower to achieve. Certainly nothing to aspire to or expect of yourself overnight but the end result is certainly worth working towards. I have a couple of trained facesitting subs who literally arrive, we exchange a bit of small talk during setup, they assume their familiar position on the bed, I sit on their face, get to face humping and steadily work myself up to a nice, hard orgasm. I clean myself up, a bit more polite banter afterwards, many thanks and they leave. If they were generous enough to bring a gift, perhaps I might pour myself a glass of the whiskey or wine they left and just chill in my post orgasm glow wondering how the fuck I scored this gig.

Now if that isn’t objectification, I don’t know what is.

Alright, cool, so now I have a nose fetish. Well guys, like most great things in life, once you’ve gained a new fetish from something, it’s time to hang up your thinking cap and go diddle yourself about it. Okay… BRB!

Thanks for reading! Want to hear me read the full length, erotica version of this post?  It’s available on the paid tier of my newsletter here along with my backlog of erotica for $7/month ;)

Kink-trospection

Read time: 6 minutes.

“Dick for Brains” sticker by Kevin Whitman available here.

Oh, 2020, You Salty Slut.

As we approach The Butthole of The Solar Cycle - December 23rd - the longest and darkest day of the year, we also find ourselves in another lockdown here in Toronto. This year has been a big cock-blockin’ bummer for most of us but it has also presented some great opportunity for growth and introspection to those who are interested. For most sex workers, social isolation and financial uncertainty are familiar elements of daily life so when the pandemic hit in March, I felt like I was eerily prepared.

Things like learning to work from home, connecting with / making friends online, maintaining discipline without external structure, dealing with anxiety, uncertainty and taking full responsibility for my health have been a part of my daily life since I began working for myself, full-time in 2015. I feel like I’ve had a huge, serendipitous advantage during Das Dümpsterfïre (commonly known as the year 2020) and now I’d like to share my secrets with you. This post serves as both my final-farewell-fuck-you to this horrible year and a lovely Christmas present to anyone who takes the time to peep my journal - Enjoy!

#1: Be a Good Bud To Yourself

Hey - would you just stop being a raging quiff to yourself already?! GOOD LORD! You’ll be spending lots of time alone so you best learn how to be a good time - and quick. Life is too short to be a gloomy-ass, party pooper - get it together. Start a simple mindfulness practice by just listening to your inner monologue and taking note. Many of us are truly horrible to ourselves internally, berating ourselves in the most inhumane ways - Seriously, Cut That Shit Out! Ask yourself honestly if you would talk to a loved one the way you talk to yourself. If the answer is no, it’s time to stop or to (at least) add in a positive, counter voice.

When isolated, our inner monologue becomes amplified, skewing our perception of reality. You’ve got to get it under control if you want to have a good time. Likely, the negative things you’re telling yourself aren’t even facts, they’re opinions, therefore they are technically up for debate. Become the devil's advocate in your own head, ask whether that negative voice is being objective or subjective; it’s likely the latter. Tell yourself you’re doing your best, you’re doing a good job, you’re a good person.

Force yourself to celebrate milestones and congratulate yourself for doing all of this - it’s very hard! There’s a reason most people find a comfort zone and stick to it as long as possible. All this change, internal work and discipline is very difficult! But, if you choose to do it, you get full, fucking credit for every step. You also reap the kinky rewards by being able to navigate your own desires with ever increasing dexterity and confidence. The exact same patterns you develop here will ultimately serve as the foundation for healthy sexual exploration later on.

#2: Become Your Own Kinkdergarten Teacher

Make a schedule fit for a simpleton. Put gold stars on it if you must. Yes, do it. DO IT NOW. As cheesy and simple as it sounds it does wonders for your brain. We need structure, no matter how minimal and seemingly arbitrary it is. Whether it’s external like the bus schedule, a shift start time or applied manually by ourselves - we need structure!

Did you brush your teeth? GOLD STAR! ⭐ Did you get the laundry done? GOLD STAR! ⭐ Did you wash your snooshy? GOLD STAR! ⭐

Set an alarm in the morning, have a reasonable work out schedule, prepare things for yourself the day before, have a cut off time at the end of the day - All these things are simple, easy ways to help your brain chill the fuck out. Once you get a routine established you can add in any kink goals you’re working on, shopping for chastity cages or practicing rope ties in between chores keeps life spicy.

Always do your most hated chores first thing when you wake up and give yourself proper, full days off, snack breaks and naps! Use orgasms and edging as a reward!

#3: Put the D in BDSM

Pre-care is the new after-care! Exploring your sexuality privately and developing discipline are necessary primers for BDSM play. Yes, I know we can’t play now but you can certainly get yourself in great shape mentally for when we can. Polish those skills like the dirty little gem that you are so you can present your best self when the day comes!

There’s a lot of talk about aftercare but lets talk about pre-care! It starts with discipline and commitment and that’s a choice only you can make. No one can whip you into submission - believe me. Start practicing self control now, start slow, forgive yourself and keeping trying. Focus on the Domme of your dreams and do it in service to her if that helps.

The truth is that many bottoms are only submissive when they’re all horned up. Want to take your servitude to the next level? Want to really impress your Domme? Start flexing those discipline muscles now and I swear it will pay off later. I’ve done sessions with people who had abstained from orgasming for months in my honour and I was floored. Disciplined submissives are a real world commodity among Dommes so develop it and offer something special to your Domme and, most importantly, to yourself!

#4: Welcome to The Ocean of Emotion!

If you thought that you had your emotions under control before the pandemic then welcome to Adulthood: Level 2 on Hard Mode! (booooo / yaaaay!) It’s shocking to me how emotional life is once external structure is taken away. No praise, no punishment, no start, no end, just you and your actions, unseen and unaccounted for by anyone but you. It’s really hard and it’s okay to not know how to emotionally manage yourself in this new situation; you’re definitely not alone.

Expect issues with identity, shame, anxiety and depression and welcome them with a confident smile. You’re the hostest with the mostest for these un-fun feelings, steadfast, persistent and awkwardly doling out slices of a dick-shaped Jell-O mold, for some reason - and that’s okay.

Seriously, perseverance is your best weapon here. Let yourself fail with kindness and acceptance. Keep going, that’s it, just keep trying. You will lose many battles but you will ultimately win the war. Bathe your brain in lots of yummy empathy and get back on the horse 🐎 over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 and over 🐎 (neeeighhhh).

It definitely gets easier with time, as long as you stay kind and persistent with yourself. Remember these are very useful skills you get to keep for the rest of your life and these are the exact same skills that you’ll use to navigate your desires and boundaries within BDSM.

#5: Explore Your Shame

The only people who don’t experience shame are sociopaths. Doesn’t that feel nice to know? If you experience shame, you’re a… HUMAN! - Yay Human Club! 🎉 I work heavily with shame and I absolutely love it, not because I love misery but because I love empathy and vulnerability. Shame is an unavoidable part of human life and if you can deal with your shame, I feel like you can deal with anything.

Sexual desire often serves as a shortcut to accessing what makes us shameful - not always, but often - and it’s definitely a good place to start. Think about it like you would think about doing your taxes; it’s not fun but you’ll feel better once you just get it over with.

Being socially isolated is a great time to delve deeper into those dark feelings in privacy. Take a day (or a week) and just go there, feel it, ask yourself questions, be your own best bud, just let it out! Shame is one of the hardest feelings to master so give yourself proper credit for each millimeter of progress you make in this realm. Accept the fact that shame can’t (and shouldn’t) be annihilated, it can only be managed. Just feel it and practice being kind to yourself along the way, you’ll be better off for it, ultimately.

Also, keep in mind that shame is a part of most people’s sexuality, even vanilla folks. If we consciously process shame through our sexuality, we get to exercise ‘temptation bundling’ by pairing shame processing with (everyone’s favourite reward) …orgasms! 🥳 If you pair your kinks with an introspective process, you can actually make mental health gains while diddling yourself! Speaking of…

#6: Practice Makes Pervert

Now for the fun, bestest, kinky part! A lot of my job involves fantasizing and exploring my sexuality by myself - Yes - I’m a professional masturbator and couldn’t be happier about it! Before each session, I review the scene request, grab my magic wand and let my mind wander wherever it wants. I’m pretty sure this is why I excel at understanding other people’s kinks so easily. I always provide myself a judgement-free place to psychologically (and vaginally) explore 💦

You can do this too! Experiment with cutting out porn for a while to amp up your own, sexual imagination. Treat it like a job, set time and energy aside for exploration. Set goals and try out orgasm control to heighten play and learn more about your kinks, body and boundaries.

Things like pain tolerance and anal training are often best done alone. Like homework and studying in school, you can’t just show up on test day expecting to get an A+, you’ve got to put in some work on your own time. Some of the most extreme masochists and bottoms I’ve met have done most of their pain training by themselves! This is great news for perverts in lockdown! Be safe, go slow and have fun - I’ll see you on the other side ;)

Hope this was helpful! Here’s a couple of resources for further solo exploring:

BDSMTEST.ORG

SUBMISSIVEGUIDE.COM

The Economics of Kink

Read time: 11 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

What Are You Even Paying For?

Believe me, I have struggled to answer this question myself. It took me years to raise my rate to meet the industry standard because I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Coming from a background working in kitchens and construction, I spent most of my adulthood working full time, happy to make $300 in a day, let alone in an hour! 

Giving myself a $280/hour raise was a whole, multi-year process for me so I’m going to explain exactly how I got here. Ultimately, If I’m questioning the high price tag on professional BDSM services as the provider, than I think it’s totally understandable why you would want an explanation as the consumer. So here’s how I went from charging as low as $60/hour 😬 when I first started in professional kink to currently charging between $300-350/hour.

#1: SUPPLY & DEMAND

How can I find a kinky girlfriend like you? Asks every client ever. I don’t resent the question, I get it. It’s the equivalent of thinking, “I could make this myself but I’m too busy this week” as you toss a store-made salad into your grocery cart. It’s not that the salad is insanely special and only the people at the grocery store can make it, it’s just that quite a few elements need to align in order for you to make it yourself.

You need the time, energy and willpower to make that salad, all of which are in short supply for most people and are, therefore, a commodity. Really, you’re paying for the 20 minutes of willpower and concentration required to gather and prep the ingredients - not just the salad itself.

The same can be said for sex work. Have you ever heard that joke “I don’t pay an escort to fuck me, I pay her to leave afterwards”? It’s kind of rude but it’s also kind of true. There are an insane amount of elements that need to align in order for you to enjoy the exact sexual experience you want organically, many would often involve finding and maintaining a long term committed relationship with someone.

That’s a pretty hefty investment of time and energy for the possibility that you might get your kinky wishes granted. This is even more difficult for submissive men looking for dominant women. Listen, I’ve heard all the stories about sweet subbie guys on FetLife endlessly looking for a lifestyle Domme or just looking for a kinky partner they can explore with. It honestly sucks.

The truth is that there are way more submissive guys than there are dominant women out there in the wild and I feel for every guy who can’t find their kinky kindred spirit, I honestly do. I can’t explain it, my best guess is that women are just more socialized to be sexually submissive and it creates this disparity. At the end of the day, that leaves plenty of demand for a person like me and -VOILA!- I have a job.

The odds are simply in my favour and they are in the favour of any sex worker who caters to men. Yes, women hire providers as well but it’s notably less often. It seems there is simply just more male, sexual desire in the world than there is attention to satisfy it. I’m not saying it’s fair, I’m just saying it’s true. Ultimately, I’ve learned that this is the true commodity that’s being traded in BDSM sessions: Sexual attention.

It’s taken me a few years to circle around to this understanding. I was a wee bit high off my own fumes there for a few years and felt like a damn sexual rock star, gracing the land with my oh-so coolness. Excuse me while I air guitar / air dildo by myself over here for a minute. Luckily, I checked myself before I wrecked myself and started this blog to articulate some of the things I’ve learned.

The reason I think it’s important to talk about this is because being ambiguous often leaves room for doubt. Both the provider and client can develop unrealistic expectations. Sure marketing as a fantasy maven is fun and exciting but it’s also great to know about the actual mechanics of the interaction and, most importantly, what you’re actually paying for.

I’m going to be honest, I know people have seen me for a BDSM session and left thinking “that’s it?” As a Domme, I’m not supposed to admit that, I guess I’m supposed to boast a flawless record of 100% home runs, no faults here, just pure FemDom perfection.

Obviously that’s just not true for anyone and I think the pervasive marketing of Dommes currently can leave the provider and client feeling underwhelmed when the realities of sessions don’t match up with the hyped up, eroticized version of what a session should be. Dommes, in particular, have this bad habit of amping up their magical abilities (I’m certainly guilty of this too!).

You’ve heard it before: “When you are with me, you will feel instantly submissive to me. I am your Mistress now and when your eyes meet mine, you will immediately succumb to your place at my feet, kneeling before me, begging for the chance to serve. Experienced and sadistic, I will bring you to new depths of submission you never dreamt possible!” 

Ooooh boy, that’s kind of a tall order to be honest, especially if you’re not a wizard which, sadly, most of us aren’t. What you’re mainly paying for is our undivided attention and our will to fulfill a fantasy for you. It’s nothing that a kinky, ambitious, unexperienced girlfriend couldn’t figure out, but those are in short supply.

Takeaway #1: You’re actually buying attention.

#2: AN “HOUR”

When you see a provider you’re buying an hour of time, right? Yeah… No. Think of that dungeon - you know, the one you always see pictures of, the one you’ve wanted to play in since forever. All your favourite Dommes have pictures there, in the medical room, in front of the Saint Andrew’s cross, selfies in that mirror, you know what I’m talking about.

Cool, now picture that same dungeon - but empty. Lights off, door locked, no one’s home. Why? Because it probably is empty right now. When I first started, I always imagined a big dungeon where each room had a theme and there was a Domme waiting in each for her daily stream of kinky sessions that happened there. If there was a lull between visitors, the kinky ladies would braid each others floggers or swap human blood based recipes or something? Yeah - Nope.

Each provider rents their dungeon and they probably book anywhere from 1 - 5 hours a week depending on how busy they are at that particular time of year. It’s not easily a full time gig and this means sometimes you only have one session in a week. One. Uno. Une. ONE. Yes, after your dungeon rental, you’re walking away with 200, whole dollars for the week.

Meanwhile, you are handling inquiries every day, all day, questions, requests, scheduling and booking protocol are all up to you. Plus, there’s an endless stream of people trying to talk to you for free so most of your time is trying to parse out who’s who because if you don’t do that, you don’t get bookings.

Let’s see, you have to… Create and maintain a website with updated, professional photos and a frequently updated blog. You have to spend time and money on advertising and backlinks to your website. You have to promote yourself by doing interviews and hosting BDSM events or classes. You have to learn and grow as a member of the BDSM community. You have to read about your job and create a brand. You need a bunch of work outfits and at least a case full of toys and implements - none of which are cheap.

You have to run several social media accounts for yourself and engage with them every day as your Domme persona. You need to mentally prep and carefully curate sessions for people, sometimes having to read between the lines when people are unclear about what they want. You have to memorize their requests and hard limits and for some this may include a script.

You have to spend time developing side gigs like running a clip store or offering paid sexting. You have to work in other people’s shame every session and you have to learn how to navigate your own. You have to get yourself to and from the dungeon and sometimes you get stood up, walking away with nothing at all.

You don’t get paid for any of this, you only get paid for the time spent in a session, you only get paid for that “one hour”.

I’m not trying to garner pity, by any means, I’m just trying to illuminate what happens behind the scenes and why the price point needs to support the amount of background work that’s going on here. There have been times in this industry that are absolutely amazing and I cannot believe how lucky I am. Other times, I really struggle to remain confident and not fall into anxiety because bookings are just so unpredictable and so damn irregular.

That $300/hour makes all of it doable. It affords enough to create a little emergency fund for yourself and enough to justify the amount of work that goes into it all. There’s just a lot going on behind the scenes, including that big, sexy, empty dungeon. It may be considered unsexy to talk about but ultimately I think it’s important to know so you don’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of as a consumer.

Takeaway #2: Overhead, baby.

#3: SAFETY

So now we know the supply / demand structure lies in favour of the Domme and we know about the administrative overhead, but where does the $300/hour rate come from specifically? Why that particular price? One of the first things a sex worker will site as the reasoning behind higher rates is safety. I did not understand this before and now, with a few years of experience, I totally agree.

It’s certainly not fool proof but having a higher rate eliminates a lot of sketchy people right out of the gate and $300 seems to be the magic number. I’m not even entirely sure how that works but I can tell you for a fact - it does. I guess it attracts clients who have a higher level of respect for your time and the inherent risk that you’re taking by meeting them - hopefully.

The $300/hour rate also serves as a sort of built-in hazard pay for the risk the provider takes on with each session. As a Domme, we always want to project a confident vibe but let’s be real, there’s risk here and that’s not worth nothing. There’s something about lower rates that just attracts creeps and I still can’t explain it. It’s really unfortunate because they really ruin it for everyone.

I wish I could provide a middle of the road option for lower income people. I’ve tried everything under the sun and it just, perpetually attracts the worst kind of clients.

Takeaway #3: Hazard pay included.

#4: QUALITY

“I was really surprised how great your service was considering how low your rates are.” - Yikes! And you want to know the worst part? I heard this more than once when I first started. It slowly went from feeling like a compliment to feeling like a mistake. When I was in self-training, at the beginning of my career, I charged $100/hour and sometimes offered specials for as little as $60/hour 😬 I was honest about my lack of experience and wanted a price that reflected that.

Again, I had just worked construction for 4 years, so tripling and quadrupling my hourly rate felt like more than enough to me. What I didn’t understand was that clients were assuming the worst about me. Here I was, just trying to be fair when really I was just projecting an image of unprofessionalism and risk.

I was properly hazed by the time wasters, penny pinchers and sketchbags of Toronto until I finally wised up. I had a few clients suggest that I raise my rate and I eventually did after getting a few comments like the one above. Humility is great in some situations but this wasn’t one of them.

I’ve tried so many times over the years to offer reduced rates for people with lower incomes and it has always bitten me in the ass. I’ve tried offering group discounts where a group of Dommes are just chilling and a sub pays to rub our feet or something low effort like that. The idea being, it’s low energy for us and the “work” is dispersed among many of us, all the while it’s super hot and affordable for the subby.

I’ve tried offering occasional session sales or two-for-one deals on my own solo sessions. I’ve tried offering a time slot structure where there’s a group of Dommes and a submissive gets X amount of time to play in exchange for a more chill, casual session on our end. Well beggars are apparently the choosiest choosers it turns out. These attempts would routinely attract some of the most high maintenance, low quality clients, it was truly mind blowing and totally disheartening.

Now I just maintain my $300/hour rate and ignore hagglers entirely. I’ll check out the freelancing subreddit now and again when I’m in need of a little commiseration. It’s definitely not just the sex industry that experiences this phenomenon, this is an issue for most it seems. People associate cheap with bad, it’s just the way it is. I’m not wealthy myself and I don’t come from a rich background so it’s disappointing to have to create a financial barrier but at the end of the day, it’s the only thing that works.

Takeaway #4: Higher rates attract better clients.

#5: RACE TO THE BOTTOM

Once the industry standard is set, it can quickly become a race to the bottom if the majority of competitors decide to start under-cutting each other. Industries have been completely destroyed by these practices, like the shipping industry for example. Luckily, the sex worker community is pretty cohesive and business savvy so the top Dommes understand that undercutting your competition is actually just cannibalizing your own business.

By simultaneously agreeing to and adhering to an industry standard, we compete to provide a better service, not a lower rate. This protects the quality of service and actually means safer, higher quality play for clients.

Takeaway #5: Rate homogeny helps create quality service.

#6 EXPERIENCE & SKILL

A Domme’s experience and expertise are often marketed as the most valuable parts of her service. I think this is certainly true but not in the way that you might initially imagine. I think there’s an issue with focusing heavily on technical skill as a way to justify the large price tag of pro domination. In my experience, hard skills (generally) comprise very little of what is most useful in a real session.

I’ll use the analogy of a personal trainer. A personal trainer could easily run you through a routine and teach you proper form in one or two sessions. They could email you a workout schedule and send you on your way. Realistically, you could even skip that session altogether and find the information you need, online, for free. But that’s not why most of us want to hire a personal trainer.

The real treat, and the reason it’s considered to be a bit of a luxury service, is that you are paying this person for a plethora of intangible feelings. You’re paying them for connection and a journey. You’re going to create a relationship with this person, receiving motivation, confidence and accountability from them.

You’re instilling your trust in them and working as a team with this person towards each of your goals. Theirs is to have a job they love (hopefully) and yours, to achieve your personal fitness goals. It’s vulnerable, very human and technical skill is merely used as a tool to facilitate the process - in my opinion.

I view the bread and butter of professional domination in the same way. Yes, an experienced Dominant knows how to hold a flogger properly, how to restrain someone safely and how to evenly crush a pair of testicles but that may not be what is most valuable in an actual session. Her biggest utility is that she has the information you need.

She has lots of data to draw from and the ability to identify and navigate through it quickly. She has years and years of information collected, experiencing, witnessing and participating in all the various ways a BDSM scene can manifest. She can parse out similar patterns which enables her to quickly connect the kinky dots. I believe that the real value to you is when she converts that data into a feeling that you experience, reading your reactions and applying the appropriate behaviour in response.

This is often something as simple as stroking your hair, dimming the lights or making you focus on holding eye contact with her. None of those acts require great skill in and of themselves by any means, it’s the sequence that matters. I believe that’s the main ability you’re paying for, not a technical proficiency in one focus or another.

As Dommes & subs alike, our expectations become blurry when we start flashing the “expert” card around. I will throw in a (perhaps very obvious) caveat here: There are absolutely some skills in BDSM that require training and knowledge in order to perform safely, invasive medical play and rope bondage are two good examples.

Besides exceptions like those, the majority of the skill you're seeking is intangible, it’s essentially an elicitation of feelings which may or may not be related to a technical skill. This explains the “pop-up Dommes” who experience success despite their lack of experience. They are eliciting a feeling from you and therefore, much to the chagrin of everyone in this industry, they are accomplishing the goal.

I think it’s important to set realistic expectations so everyone understands what they are expected to provide and what they are paying for. Basically, we’re selling feelings, it’s all very subjective and that’s okay.

Takeaway #6: Most of the BDSM skills you’re paying for are soft skills, not hard.

THE GIST

You’re mostly paying for concentrated attention and soft skills when you pay for a professional Dominant. The rates are so high because of the amount of work happening outside of the session and because of the inherent risk the provider takes with each scene. Higher rates attract better clients and promote better service from providers, facilitating safer scenes for Dommes and subs, alike.

Golden Showers

Reading time: 4 minutes.

The first time someone asked me to pee on them was a few years ago, before I was an official pro Domme. At the time I was selling my used panties and slowly getting into offering kink and fetish sessions. I honestly didn’t understand the appeal of someone wanting to drink my piss but it didn’t offend me either so I was willing to indulge.

DJ Diddles with the hot new PeeMix

I knew this person well and we agreed that there were no guarantees and no pressure, in case I got stage fright. I chugged my water and hoped for the best. Well, I guess I got whatever the opposite of stage fright is because I blasted that boy like a busted fire hydrant and instantly gained a new kink in the process!

It seems so obvious to me now, the warm, flowing liquid spraying from between my legs is an instant, visceral, bodily turn-on. Not only does it emulate the visual of cumming, it also just feels great - a wonderful relief. With a little assistance from my DJ Diddles skills, it just feels phenomenal! I became adept at holding my pee and punctuating the scene with release when warranted. Excuse me while I brag (because I can't put this on a resume so you'll just have to validate my weird skills) - I’ve had many a golden shower enthusiast note that they had never seen someone pee as much as me.

Well guys, that just warmed the cockles of my giant, full bladder so I kept practicing at every opportunity. I loved the animalistic, primal feeling of “marking my territory” and I loved the fleeting nature of piss too. It has this inherent, panic inducing immediacy, it's only here for at most 30 seconds so you better enjoy yourself - right now. Well, the golden shower bookings kept coming and so did I!

The warm, flowing liquid spraying from between my legs is an instant, visceral, bodily turn-on. Not only does it emulate the visual of cumming, it also just feels great - a wonderful relief. Well, practice makes pervert and I quickly gained the confidence to reliably time and provide my golden showers to fellow enthusiasts on a regular basis. Around this time, I also started offering Golden Lattes at my local coffee shop. Yup, you read that right - Golden Lattes at a coffee shop! Thinking of it now, it's probably one of the only forms of public play I've ever been into because it was absurdly public and somehow totally discreet.

Here's how it would work: I would meet the person, grab a table with them and tell them to wait there. I would go order two coffees for us and dip into the bathroom before returning to the table. I'd simply dump out one cup in the sink and fill it with pee then return to my 'friend'. Sometimes I'd enter the bathroom with just one double cupped coffee, returning with two and sometimes I'd just have one cup and skip the coffee myself if it was late.

I think the key to staying discreet was the fact that I would frequent this coffee shop on my personal time as well, the staff kind of knew me and was seriously, somehow, none the wiser. I would be there at such random times, the staff was often different and the place was pretty big, super busy and open 24 hours so that definitely helped keep everything low-key which was important for me.

I sometimes wonder if anyone ever noticed me, maybe they thought I was consulting with people or going on dates with a plethora of very different people - HA! I still wave at that spot in Mississauga when I drive by now, ah my old ‘office’, my sweet pee pee palace.

I would just make casual conversation with the person while they sipped their golden latte, occasionally asking how it tasted with a little wink. I'll never forget the men shaking from arousal, utterly buzzing from the perverse yet entirely harmless high.

When I was in the bathroom "making" my Golden Latte, I would also take a nice, up close selfie video of me pulling my pants down and filling the cup. I would send this to the person after our meeting - I know, so fucking hot, right? I would just make casual conversation with the person while they sipped their latte, occasionally asking how it tasted with a little wink.

I'll never forget the men shaking from arousal, utterly buzzing from the perverse yet entirely harmless high. Naughty, naughty, naughty. I was just totally hooked. Not only addicted to the golden shower fetish in all it's kinky forms but also enamored with the power play of it, the themes of humiliation, worship and degradation all ripe for the picking.

The pure power I was given was surely among my most formative kinky experiences, it helped me realize that I was sexually dominant, not just in these situations but in my personal life as well. This play filled in the gaps for me sexually, like something I had intuitively waited for, despite not consciously realizing anything was missing.

I started drawing the feeling of power out in my watersports scenes, mindfully exploring every aspect of the play. Pissing on a hard cock and watching the euphoria wash over them, working towards their face and learning the difference between sweetly feeding someone a trickle or blasting them visciously if the mood was right. It definitely became my thing and I was insatiable for a while there.

This full clip, called “Sweet Relief” is available on my clips4sale store.

I recently had an old client return to me whose only kink is golden. If golden showers weren't such a personal turn on for me, it may be a tough session because there's only so much you can pee and then there's no ‘back-up’ activities to do once that's done. Guys, I don't know if you noticed but golden is my thing so I've been blasting this guy with piss as often as he can visit over the last month. My legs apart, his mouth open, just blasting my piss down his thirsty little throat as if my toilet was permanently broken. It's making me feel the tingles right now as I type this!

Basically, golden showers or watersports can be used in so many ways in a scene and I love every, single one of them. From just pissing on another person’s body, to pissing on their face while their mouth is closed, same with mouth open, pissing on them while smothering, pissing in a glass and making them drink it, chugging water beforehand and having lovely tasting piss, chugging coffee beforehand and tasting like a raunchy fresh brew - you get the point. If you're curious about experimenting with golden showers, I'm a great person to play with because I have crazy bladder control so I can stop and start at will and I genuinely love it so even if you don't have fun - I definitely will ;)

Hello, Cum Dumpster: Cuckold Objectification

Read time: 5 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.

My version of the traditional cuckold scene is a bit different than what you may envision, so I've decided to describe it in detail for the curious - or should I say bi-curious? The themes of humiliation, degradation and objectification run rampant through most cuckold fantasies, all of which I share and find deeply exciting. As a bit of a cuckquean myself, this is one of those kinks I just totally get from top to bottom (pun intended). I've taken the traditional version of this scene and tailored it to my interests, balancing the power dynamics, objectification and degradation together perfectly, turning it into something delightfully degrading.

Don't get me wrong, I love the traditional cuckold scenes where a woman humiliates her (usually male) partner by fucking another, stronger, more well endowed man in front of him, forcing him to watch, perhaps even making her partner clean up the creampie afterwards. Although I love watching those scenes, the reality of the power dynamic shifts in a FemDom / client version of the same idea. The partner and the client take opposite roles in this situation which totally shakes up the dynamic. Instead of punishing the husband by humiliating him, in most professional cuckold scenes, it's the Domme fucking her alpha boyfriend or husband while the client is 'forced' to watch or participate in some humiliating form.

As a bit of a cuckquean myself, I understand that the humiliation of having your partner consensually 'cheat' on you is almost entirely emotionally masochistic and founded firmly in your feelings for that partner. The themes of possession, jealously and monogamy are always generally present to varying degrees. Contrast this with the professional version of this same scene and those feelings are generally void. As my client you wouldn't feel strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness over my sexuality because we're not partners and you're not dominant over me in that way. What does overlap between the traditional and professional FemDom versions of this scene are the themes of degradation, humiliation and inadequacy. Now this is where I start to build my version of the cuckold scene.

As you may have already gathered, I like my BDSM scenes layered with power dynamics and rife with reality and these scenes hit all those marks. I can use my partner as a way to humiliate and degrade you because I have a real world anchor. In this situation, there is no role play required, I don't have to pretend that my partner is better than you because, in my opinion, he is. That's why he's my partner, the only person I am interested in having sex with, the only person who experiences that side of me. My amazing partner serves as the perfect bull in these scenes for me because not only is he well endowed, he is also multi orgasmic. As his Domme, I control his orgasms so he is often in chastity, meaning, I can deny him long before my cuckold session with you which both turns me on and means lots of build up for you.

He is my monogamous partner, his cock is the only one that has the privilege of entering me or being pleasured by me directly. There's a lot of things that I will do with you in session but he gets the really fun parts, him and only him, which makes him special, unlike you. I'm not even being mean, I'm just being honest, he has the only dick I am truly and deeply attracted to and as a fairly gay leaning lady, that is truly remarkable for me and the reason why he is my life partner. Basically, if you truly want to submit to me, you must submit to my favourite cock as well - it's only respectful, right?

So we've established the pecking order: Me, him, you. Now let's get into the humiliation and objectification stuff - my favourite! (heads up: humiliation roleplay dirty talk incoming). In the traditional scene, you'd be in there with us slopping all over everything, looking around with your beady little eyes and - ain't no one got time for that. Let's get real, my partner is not attracted to you and you're a boner killer if we're being honest, you are lucky that even I'm willing to indulge you and give you my attention, am I right? That's why you're securely restrained in a separate room, left to listen as we enjoy ourselves without you.

As I walk out of the room, I open my camera to selfie mode, taking a video with you in the background. I smile and say, "bye!" as I continue recording, walking into the bedroom where my partner awaits, dripping with precum for me, ready to finally fuck me after a week of chastity. This first load is going to be big so I set my phone up to capture every last thrust from behind as I bounce up and down on him. It only takes a few pumps before he tries to hold my hips firmly down on his lap so he can fill me with cum. At that moment, I lift myself off, holding the condom firmly around the base of his cock, effectively ruining his orgasm. I laugh as I watch the condom fill with a weeks worth of cum, his cock pulsing, untouched in the air. You can hear his deep moans of disappointment from the other room and I smile to myself as he finishes. I slowly remove the condom, careful to save every drop for you, my human cum dumpster. I kiss my partner as I leave, his eyes dopey from his partial, painful release and I tell him to start playing with himself again.

As I walk back into the main room, your eyes follow me and I nod towards your full erection as I giggle and sit next to you. I cradle your head in my arm with your face next to my cleavage as I begin playing back the video I just took. I watch your dick swell and bounce as you watch what so few people get to see, this is your chance and your mind tries to memorize everything it is witnessing. The close up of my wet pussy being stretched by his big cock is almost as exhilarating as when you watch him fill that condom up with a huge load of cum. You instinctively open your mouth and I smile as I empty its contents down your throat. I ask how it tastes as I place my magic wand on your frenulum, teasing you for a few minutes while my partner plays with himself in the other room, hard again already. "Are you ready for more?" I ask as your eyes stare hazily into mine. With your nod I'm off to collect another load for my new human cum dumpster.

When I return a few minutes later, I don't say a word and with closed lips, I smile and start playing the next video for you. You immediately understand why I haven't said anything as you watch me suck my partners hard cock to completion. You look at my lips, understanding what is about to happen and I wink at you, using my tongue to play with the cum in my mouth as we watch the rest of the video together. Towards the end of the clip, just as he cums in my mouth, I position myself above you and you open yours, receiving your second load.

Rinse and repeat my dear dumpster - you get the gist.

So that's the cuckold objectification scene I offer in all it's perverse glory! It's such a multi layered, milk-tastic, devious time, I'm sure you can understand why I have a few regular clients who just request this over and over. I love this scene because there's quite a bit of wiggle room too, you don't have to experience it exactly as I've described above, you can incorporate this into so many types of scenes and tailor it to suite your experience and comfort levels. I love pairing it with chastity and orgasm torture, for example, where I either 'force' the sub to cum as many times as my partner or completely deny them the whole time. It can also be combined with 'forced' self cum eating too, in case you're really hungry for cum. So many possibilities and so much yummy cum for a subby little dumpster like you! ;)

---

PS. Here’s what one of my favourite, little cummy dumpsters had to say about his very special role in my sex life:

“The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines luck as ‘the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual.’ While I’m grateful for the unearned privileges I enjoy in life, I can’t help but obsess over what has led me to become the pathetic, slutty, and submissive cuck I am today.

Despite a plethora of interactions and life events, my cerebrum fires off vivid imagery of a man I’ve only known as [Slave] Honnu. I’ve never met Honnu, but his aura transcends any masculine energy I’ve ever experienced. Visiting Bastienne’s has been one of my favourite pastimes in the past few years. When I arrive at the entrance to her brightly-coloured paradise, my mind always runs rampant with anxiety and natural curiosity. Deep in my soul, I can feel Bastienne’s dominant energy and Honnu’s big dick energy radiating through the air. 

When I arrive at her doorstep, she offers her full and undivided attention, but in reality, we all know where I stand in this hierarchy. As I kneel and submit to Bastienne Cross’ every need, I know in the back of my mind that there is a well-endowed cock with balls of steel waiting for her just a few steps away.

Despite every submissive act I can think of, I know that Honnu is the only human that can really please Bastienne wholeheartedly. Acknowledging my useless microscopic penis and pathetic existence, I’ve come to the realization that I will never please Bastienne sexually. Accepting that I am nothing like Honnu will allow me to realize my true life purpose as Bastienne Cross’ non-intimate cuckold.

As Lindy Zart once said, “Sometimes in life, you do things you don’t want to. Sometimes you sacrifice, sometimes you compromise. Sometimes you let go and sometimes you fight. It’s all about deciding what’s worth losing and what’s worth keeping.”

My relationship with Bastienne Cross, however small and humiliating it may be, is certainly worth keeping. So the next time the luckiest man alive gets to sleep with Bastienne, I must eagerly beg, borrow, and plead to be her private cum dumpster. Consuming Honnu’s cum or using it as lube as I get pounded might be my only chance at being apart of Bastienne’s magical sex life.”

- Little Linda

From Feared to Sincere

Read time: 13 minutes.

A few years ago, if you described me as a "Soft Domme", I would have bristled with indignation. Well, would you look at me now? Look ma - no scowl! In this post I'm going to detail how I went from being a feared and revered, extreme CBT focused Dominatrix, known for my hardcore ballbusting clips, to now, proudly identifying as a Soft Domme. Whether you're a submissive or fellow Domme, I hope you can take something new and inspiring from my story.

It's been a long journey full of highs, lows, lessons, self-reflection and a lot of amazing experiences. If you've been following my career over the last few years from afar, from up-close, or if I'm brand new to you all the same, I present you with my FemDom cheat-sheet, the main things I've learned about this industry and where I belong in it. This is the story of how I found my place in "Soft FemDom". 

Well, let's start from the beginning with Baby Domme Bastienne. Bright eyed and bossy tailed, I entered into FemDom by way of fetish and kink, an inherently softer and more vanilla leaning group of services. Professional panty slinging was exhilarating, and sex work was entirely new to me in 2014. My used panty clips brought out a new exhibitionism in me that I had never experienced before and the in-person kink and fetish requests became an exciting new indulgence.

The connections that I made were real and the work was insanely fun compared to my experiences working regular jobs. Being a closeted, lifestyle kinkster my entire adult life, I knew I had finally found an outlet for my endless sex drive and perverted sensibilities.

I began working for myself, funding my life with my exciting explorations. I quickly and organically veered into FemDom and immediately knew that I had found my place. It was so natural, exciting and easily accessible to me, I knew that I could face the looming years of learning and hard work with resolve. I had found something endlessly interesting, reliably exciting, and entirely worth working towards. I put my head down and started working, slowly becoming Bastienne.

As I rose through the ranks of the Toronto FemDom scene, I was elated to find myself respected and (dare I say) equal to some of my Dominatrix mentors. My hard work and dedication was paying off and I would try to keep my cool with each new step up the ladder. It was wildly exhilarating and deeply validating to be accepted in a career I so passionately cared about.

I have since had the privilege of working out of every high-end dungeon in Toronto, experiencing hundreds of scenes with some of my BDSM mentors, esteemed Pro Dommes, group scenes and experienced submissives alike. With my new found confidence, I created a successful clip store, showcasing my skills in session to an international audience. The feedback was intoxicating: I had a little fan-base out there and they cheered me and my ego on at every step. 

Well, Baby Bastienne's little eyes were twinkling with pride, her ego was at full mast, waving proudly in the face of anyone interested in looking. "Look what I can do! Look what I can do!" But once the natural high of acceptance wore off, parts of the landscape started to come into focus for me, things that weren't so pretty in the stark light of day. The realization was slow but unavoidable, the FemDom industry had its fair share of questionable people with questionable motives, a reality I just wasn't prepared for.

The recent saturation of the FinDom (financial domination) niche on social media is a perfect example. Women with no experience or interest in learning about the basics of safe BDSM play, proclaiming to be a peer of mine, a fellow, seemingly overnight success, a fellow "Professional" Dominatrix. I had to confront the fact that these flexible barriers to entry were both the reason for my success and the reason I should question it's validity.

The list goes on: unsafe players, cash grabbers and scammers. I've witnessed a brand new, baby Domme start offering "Pro Domme Tips" after two weeks of work. Yes, two very informative weeks, apparently. That was when I realized that common sense wasn't so common. I started sympathizing with those reluctant clients who spoke of bad experiences with other providers but mostly, I was simply left counting my lucky stars for the experienced mentors that I had access to.

The women who so generously offered a positive counterpoint, a lighthouse on a dark night. I was bumping elbows with all of these people, sharing the same title in an endless, homogeneous sea of claims - and that wasn't even the scariest part. In the Wild West of FemDom we can be whoever we want to be, and when I looked around in the sober light of day at the darker sides of my industry, I not only saw deep flaws, I saw myself.

This is the part of the story where Baby Bastienne turns into Grown Ass Lady Bastienne. About time, right? I took what I had experienced and did what any self respecting introvert does: I parked myself in front of a window for a few months and sorted myself out. I came out with a few, important revelations. Much like this blog post, I started from the beginning, I striped away the layers and journeyed back to where I had started. I wondered how I found myself so far from my original intention.

I sifted through the voices of my amazing FemDom mentors, traversing alone now, wearing the strengths and wisdom of each as I began my audit. I found that the bull headed ambition I had started my career with had a new level, a foundation of quiet confidence, a deep understanding only years of experience could provide. I started anew, in lock-down for weeks, just me, my memories and the oak tree outside my window.

One of the first things I noticed was the uncharacteristically narcissistic patterns I had unconsciously slipped into. Things like obsessively frequenting my Twitter notifications, shamelessly filling my phone with selfies, coveting my precious social media likes, and referring to my interactions as "branding".

Given a mini slice of power and success, good ol' Bastienne had fallen into one of the most human of pitfalls: Pride. But hey, it's all okay because, self-promotion, right? Well, technically, yes, but ultimately, NO. Welcome to the slippery, un-moderated, fantastical slope, the Wild West known as FemDom! And here's my first takeaway:

TAKEAWAY #1: FEMDOM DOES NOT = NARCISSISM.

​Despite what a cursory glance around my industry might convey, it's not okay to be a narcissist. Sparkly and exciting at first, it ends up being a whole lot of No Fun, real quick. The recent lockdown gave me lots of time to think and I ended up reaching back into my memories and accessing my original attraction to FemDom.

I loved the complexity and individuality of each person's kinks, the intimacy and freedom from shame, the psychology and connection, the sexual validation, the creativity, the good-old-fashioned thrills! You may ask: "Hey Grown Ass Lady Bastienne, what does that have to do with you spending hours of your week taking selfies? Expending endless energy on turning your personality into a 'brand' and indulging yourself in delusions of grandeur?" And I would answer: "Nothing, good Sir or Madam. Not a goddamn thing".

The truth is that my actual job is to keep you safe, make you feel excited, push your boundaries and give you an amazing experience. It's entirely unrelated to positioning myself as a model, actress or public figure. Yes, I need a few good pictures for my website and social media so you know whether you're attracted to me or not. And yeah, I need to take care of myself and be presentable but, the selfie-taking, masturbatory, millennial culture didn't sit right with me. I'm a middle aged lady, for god's sake! What was I doing with my time and energy.

When I really thought about it, most of my Domme mentors had intuitively dodged this bullet, predominantly posting pictures of their work, not themselves. Not all, but many were even a bit self conscious and naturally shied away from social media, doing it more as a necessary evil then a hobby. This illuminated an ugly part of myself that sorely needed adjustment.

It all just started to feel unhealthy and I didn't like the message I was sending to subs, "only masochists are fun" or to other women, "Look at my body, look at all my amazing sessions" etc. It sets up a strange, anti-human fantasy world that gets blurry for all involved over time. I started craving real, human, private experiences, undocumented and outside of incessant promotion.

So, I put the selfie stick down and I re-calibrated my efforts back to the human being standing (or kneeling) in front of me. Fuck the session selfie, let's have real fun, right here, right now. Let me lend my brain entirely to you, every ounce of my energy focused on what we're creating in this moment, not about the supposed, ultimate pleasure of being around a somewhat symmetrical person?

No one will ever know about it, it's our little secret and that's fucking amazing. You're not an accessory to my ego when you see me, you're not a photo-op, a conquest, a narcissistic source to be fed upon, You're the person who enables me to work for myself, to live an amazing, creative life, you're the person I get to have fun with and when you're with me, you're all I'm thinking about.
​

TAKEAWAY #2: ALL SUBS ARE GOOD SUBS.

The credit for any extreme act goes entirely to the submissive. I'm tired of claiming their abilities to be the result of my 'magical prowess' and having perfectly lovely subs apologize for their low pain tolerance. The credit is theirs and theirs alone for everything they achieve in my company. At it's core, we are exchanging power, equally, back and forth, as a team. It's as much of an effort to offer submission as it is to skillfully dominate.

These are fully symbiotic, fully codependent endeavors and anything outside of that is either incompetence, abuse or theater. We are exchanging feelings. I am making you feel submissive and you are making me feel like I'm in control despite the reality that we are both equal. We are playing, creating, and fantasizing in tandem. This happens quietly, inside of each person and is often not remarkable or easily perceptible from the outside. 

Each exchange, each internal shift is just as valid and real as watching an experienced masochist take a swift kick to the nuts in a ballbusting clip. One act is mainly for the audience to enjoy and the other is for the people in that moment to enjoy, privately. That's the only difference and the reason I offer a discount for sessions being filmed. Having a private, intimate, internal moment with me is more valuable then a theatrical version of the same thing and that's reflected in my rates for each.

Power exchange is subtle and personal and different for each person, that's precisely what I like about it, not something you need to apologize for. I've seen the best and the worst, I've been on the inside and outside of the BDSM scene. At the end of the day, my loyalty lies not with the loud and proud, not with those who hold the rings for us to jump through. My loyalty lies with the sincere, earnest, quiet explorer, the curious and self aware. Dominant or submissive alike, allow me to set my ring down and fling the imaginary gates open and welcome you, exactly as you are.
​

TAKEAWAY #3: COMFORT FIRST, PUSH SECOND.

​Being hesitant, having boundaries, wanting trust and needing safety from your dominant are all excellent criteria to have. These are green flags, qualifiers that make you a good submissive, not feelings that you need to be ashamed of or apologize for. You should feel nervous, you should require safe practices, you should seek trust and this is precisely where Grown Ass Lady Bastienne becomes Soft Domme Bastienne.

Let's all say it together: if the submissive doesn't have a sense of self preservation, they're not safe to play with. Yup, that's right, that feeling that you're not hardcore enough or that you're not sure if you can do everything I want is exactly what makes you a good, self-aware, safe person to play with. 

I need you to have boundaries and communicate them to me and the first place that starts is from a slow, soft place of comfort and trust. Yup, that's the boring, non glamourous bit that gets edited out of FemDom clips. Whether it's trust in your Dominant's experience level, trust in their empathy, trust in yourself, familiarity within your dynamic or confidence from previous experiences. The truth is that these elements are the necessary soil from which any extreme play grows.

​For example, few people are gold medal Olympic swimmers but that doesn't mean that the rest of us have no right to enter a pool and no claim to enjoyment from the activity. All us non-Olympic level swimmers can enjoy swimming for whatever reason we choose. Perhaps relaxation, maybe exercise, who knows, maybe we even enjoy our amateur swimming more than the gold medalists do! 

Enjoyment is internal and meaning is chosen.

Imagine a group of Olympians intimidating and discouraging amateurs from swimming, it would be ridiculous. The same applies within BDSM and FemDom; you're free to take a dip and reach any "level" of experience or pain tolerance you choose. You don't have to be the best at everything, nor should you want to be!

Most hobbies start from a place of genuine enjoyment and comfort and this is no different. Some of my most amazing experiences have been with novices, people so earnestly bristling with excitement and wonder, they gave me a contact high and experiences that I'll never forget. ​
​

TAKEAWAY #4: DITCH THE DUNGEON.

...Or not. Just sayin'.

The ominous Saint Andrew's Cross, the large, vacant slave cage, the CBT chair to match, we all know the vibe, we've all seen it a hundred times by now. Hey, if that's your thing, that's your thing. I've had great times in traditional dungeons but surely we don't all have the exact same fantasies, set in the exact same place, right?

When I started furnishing my play space, I intuitively followed the narrative. I got a nice, chunky pegging bench, a bulky, black bondage bed, and a clunky, mono-use slave box, among other "staples". I also mindlessly started muting my palette because... all black vinyl, always, all the time, 4Ever… I guess?

Well, the bench got covered in plants and a colourful painting of running stallions, the bed got turned into a kinky make-shift easel and holder of candles and the box got tucked away under a colourful scarf and topped with a succulent. Try as I might, I could never achieve the traditional dungeon look or vibe, as it was always far outside of my aesthetic understanding.

The pegging bench would be forgotten as I intuitively bent my submissive over the side of my sectional, driving him slowly into the corner filled with colourful cushions as we moaned together, coating ourselves in sweat. The bondage bench was neglected as I held a man down to my king size bed, slowly tying him to the wooden posts, spread eagle, as I smothered him and giggled with delight, all plans pushed aside in momentary passion.

In time, I slowly gave away my dungeon staples, never fully grasping their purpose beyond the initial psychological intimidation. I helped a friend fill their space and officially said goodbye to the traditional aesthetic altogether. I gave up the idea that someone else's fantasy would always be mine when I gave up the idea that I would be someone else.

I continued collecting plants and coloured glass bottles, kinky, unconventional toys and dual purpose pieces, hidden in plain sight. I kept filling my space with wood and texture, colour and vibrancy, and the decadent, organic power exchanges that had always happened here. In this place, I felt good.

Now I feel like the inside matches the outside and much like the people who meet me with a "Wow! You're so nice!" my space elicits that response too. I love welcoming people to my den, my little slice of heaven. Just like me, it's warm, welcoming, colourful, fun and it holds a secret deviancy inside.

I have a professional alternative that shares many of the same qualities. Entirely forward-thinking and modern, my other space is unique, clean and non-conventional but offers many of the traditional, BDSM furniture staples that many crave. This dungeon is run by a supportive, experienced Pro Domme and it isn’t far from my space, The Wiggle Room, in South Etobicoke.

Ultimately, BDSM and kink should free us from prescribed roles and suffocating expectations, not serve to perpetuate them further and that's the perfect segue to my last and most important takeaway... 
​

TAKEAWAY #5: QUIT BEING A COPY KITTEN.

Whether you're a dominant, a submissive or a switch, we all have strange expectations floating around in our heads of what we're supposed to look like, how we're supposed to act and, worst of all, how we're supposed to feel. From the beginning, I always struggled to fill the conventional role of Mean Dominatrix, despite identifying as a lifestyle Domme and a sexual sadist. I convinced myself that I needed the 10 inch heels, the expensive latex pieces, the brooding glare and the high protocol behavior that I had seen online.

When I would inevitably get the "Oh my god, you're so nice!" or "Wow, I can't imagine you being sadistic!", my little ego would buckle and I would launch into self defense. Baby Bastienne didn't like that one bit but current day, Soft Domme Bastienne loves it. Now I respond to those first impressions with a confident smile, stating proudly, "I know, right?"

It makes me happy that I'm a dynamic person, an oddity, a peculiar combination of traits. I don't want to follow the template of another person anymore, I want to be genuine and honest with myself above all else. I want to be a fearless and adventurous leader for those who grant me their submission. I want to lead by example, accepting myself for who I am first, advocating for roles outside of the norm, beyond the tropes - real, human people, being their real, human selves.

In FemDom, everything is fantasy, we get to make it up as we go. We can draw the boundaries anywhere we want, bear the title we choose, adopt the traits we admire, reach into our fantasies and pull them out one by one, experiencing a surge of excitement from each, again and again.

Why would I limit myself here? Why would you?

I'm not going to scare the pants off you - in fact, in my vanilla life, I've never intimidated a soul upon first glance. I'm warm, accommodating and endlessly empathetic, soft spoken and playful. I will make you feel instantly at ease. I'm the person who wants to make you laugh and make sure you have a good time. I'm the person that asks what you were saying when you get cut off by that loud person and the conversation redirects. I'm the person who you can talk to about anything and I'm the person who will think about what we talked about for days after you're gone.

I'm also the person who wants to push you, excite you, make you feel used and delightfully dirty, I am drawn to extremes, thrilled by control and unequivocally turned on by pain. I want to mash our fantasies together in a devious, visceral blast of energy, a glistening high that leaves you with more questions than answers. I am all of those things, all smooshed up into one, silly lady and I expect the same from you.

You are not the gimp in a FemDom clip, you are you: The manager at work, the problem solver at home, the funny guy at the BBQ, the person with anxiety, or the girl from the dog park. You're the person that no one would guess is into BDSM and it's great - I like it.

If my experience in BDSM has taught me anything, it's that shame only exists in silence so I'll say it here, I have tried and failed to be someone else. I am left accepting my confusing combination of traits. I don't fit into a mold and now I know, that's not a shameful thing to be hidden in the dark, it's perhaps my greatest asset and it's probably yours too.

​My job is acceptance in the face of sexual shame. It's to be a safe, skilled, confident leader to those who lay themselves bare. My job is to take the first step and start with myself, let you watch as I create a path for myself, one that is uniquely mine. To stand alone, proud of my oddities, confident in my individuality. By doing this for myself, I hope you see that you can do it too. I am Bastienne Cross, Toronto's Soft Domme, advocate of humans, lover of quiet bravery and promoter of kinky joy.

That's it! That's the story of how I went from Big Scary Domme to Still Kinda Scary Domme but mostly Softy McSofterson Domme and everything I learned in between. I hope this has helped you feel more confidence, or made you think about your role in BDSM in a new way.