Stolen Kinky Valor

Read time: 8 minutes.

I am a woman of many peeves and one of my biggest is Stolen Kinky Valor! 

It’s a silly peeve to have since technically, everything in BDSM is subjective. One person’s ‘yuck’ is another person’s ‘yum’ and all that. Nonetheless, feelings and preferences persist and there are some things that consistently strike me as quite disingenuous so, please enjoy as I showcase my finicky side and take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I’ll preface this by saying: I truly believe that there are no two people on this earth who have the exact same idea about what sexual dominance and / or what sexual submission is. I enjoy the subjectivity and freeform expression available in kink, so, these are just my personal perspectives. Please enjoy!

#1: Collars & Leashes

In this blog post by Submissive Guide, the author addresses the various, disputable meanings of the collar in BDSM. The symbolism ranges anywhere from being worn as an indicator of general interest in BDSM to a way to communicate that you’re already in a committed D/s relationship. The collar can also function as a type of D/s wedding ring. Basically, the collar means vastly different things depending on who you ask. 

Generally, my perspective is always “new guard,” meaning, do whatever makes you happy, but the leash and collar is an exception for me. Time and time again, when I get requests for leash and collar play, it often indicates a person trying to use a mental “fast pass” in their submission. I always try to keep an open mind but this particular association has proven itself consistently.

A tutu does not a ballerina make if you catch my drift.

It’s the equivalent of wearing the t-shirt of a band you’ve never listened to, buying the most expensive sports equipment prior to actually playing that sport or publicly announcing your dedication to a new diet before ever attempting to do so. I get it. We all have idealistic, half baked fantasies of who we are and what we want to be - but - I’m afraid I’ve gotta sprinkle some shade here.

The truth is, in professional BDSM, we’re all pretty much non-monogamous. It’s the nature of the beast. Very few submissives are actually fully loyal to just one Domme and the Domme is certainly not loyal to just one submissive. Therefore, the use of a collar to indicate ownership is kind of trivial, in this context. Like ordering fish at a steakhouse, it doesn’t hurt anyone but it’s just sort of aimless and, if you’re familiar with my approach, I’m all about function over form.

Speaking of function… often people fantasize about me manipulating their bodies using the leash and collar and, let me tell you from experience, very few people have the physical dexterity or level of masochism that is needed for such “leading.” In my mind, it’s much more efficient to just verbally communicate, making the leash and collar more of a flappy, performative toy than an actual useful piece of bondage, generally.

Of course there’s always exceptions and if you’re one of the handful of my regulars who have their own leash and collar that we use in scenes - heyyyy! ;) You know who you are Mr. Canadian Tuxedo, denim collar and Ms. Meow Meow jump to mind. I’m not talking about you.

I approach this subject the same way I approach Christmas. I generally think it’s much ado about nothing, an excuse to judge, spend money and get stressed, but, if you’re one of those rare people who truly and thoroughly loves Christmas and it brings you real joy then, hey, you being happy makes me happy so, Merry Christmas! I love that for you!

But, if a new person reaches out to me and asks for leash and collar play as the main experience with almost no other interests, weirdly enough, it’s a red flag. I might give them a chance and see if there’s anything to work with but odds are that this is a person who is just interested in the general concept of submission, the look of it. They can often be quite controlling to play with and are likely to end up disappointed because their goal has always been to achieve some visual of a D/s dynamic as opposed to the actual, real world, non-theatrical version of it.

Ultimately, wearing a collar, or holding a leash, does not imbue you with instant, power exchange abilities and I slightly resent this shortcut, theatrical version of D/s.

#2: (not so) Sweet Nothings

“That’s up to you!” has to be my least favourite answer to a question within a scene. I’m a pretty chill person but hearing this phrase from a submissive will elicit a pause in the scene while I perform a little impromptu lesson in power exchange. If I ask a question, it’s because I want, or need, to know the answer. It is my choice to ask that question and I’m almost certainly asking it because I’m trying to make my life easier or make your session better. 

There are certain types of discomfort that 99% of bottoms and submissives don’t enjoy, therefore, part of my role is to quickly eliminate those sensations so we can isolate and focus on a specific experience. Being prompted by the bottom to not use my judgment and to just ‘force’ them through possible back pain or a tingling hand is just antithetical to what Pro Dommes offer.

When I ask questions or check in, it’s because I’ve chosen to do so. It works to get your body and your mind set-up in the way that I think will work best for the scene. That’s why you came to me, right? Because I know what works for most people. By answering my questions with “well, that’s up to you,” you are indicating to me that you’re interpreting my method and skill as me being passive or indecisive. It makes me wonder why you chose to see me as a Domme.

Being polite, asking questions and checking in with a subby doesn’t mean that I’m being submissive or indecisive. Here’s a great video by Morgan Thorne all about this subject called “Too Nice to be Dominant?”

This phrase… “You can be more strict.” Oh lord. It always reminds me of this hilariously salty bit by comedian TJ Miller. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. If you want something, ask politely and directly. Your attempts at incepting your will into my behaviour do not go unnoticed.

Truthfully, I try to be as congenial as I can, but, like most Dommes, and most people in general - I don’t like when other adults tell me how to behave. Any phrase that begins with “you can” in a scene is just a poorly disguised directive. I prefer when subbies phrase requests as requests, such as, “can you kick me in the balls?” as opposed to “you can kick me in the balls now.” It makes such a huge difference.

This category also encompasses the more common statements that newbies succumb to like “I don’t have any hard limits!” or “you can do whatever you want to me!” Obviously, it generally only takes a few suggestions to start finding limits.

In general, telling a Domme precisely what to do and when to do it, then thinking to yourself - “Damn, I’m submissive as hell!” is annoying and kinky valour thievery at it’s finest IMO. Actions speak louder than words, which leads me to…

#3: Cheap Talk

The phrases “I want to be your regular” or “I plan to see you every (day / week / month)” are yellow flags for me - maybe even red flags. Generally I wouldn’t post information on my blog that directly informs people how to circumvent my vetting process, but, I am confident that the people that use these grandiose claims are also the people who would never, actually read my blog posts.

The truth is if you plan on doing something, you start slow and you generally begin with a tangible action. Extravagant, over-the-top claims are not a good way to start any relationship. They are almost always an indicator of a person who has no interest in or ability to, actually build a real relationship with someone.

At this point, I’ve been promised the world! I’ve been stood up at dungeons that I’ve had to pay out of pocket for and traveled across the city to get to. I’ve been promised a month long series of chastity centered sessions that ended after one. I’ve had someone offer to pay my rent, to see me everyday, to buy me XYZ - fill in the blank - I’ve likely had it offered to me. At this point, I’ll never believe it until I see it. Trust is earned slowly through action and consistency and anyone who claims to be an exception to that rule is not to be taken seriously, in my opinion.

#4: Titles

This one is so funny. I’m not a Mistress, a Lady, a Goddess, a Queen, a Miss, a sweetie, or a babe. My name is Bastienne. You can call me that or, if it tickles your fancy, you can call me Mommy. Some people, who I am close to, call me B. That’s it. I’ve never asked to be called by anything other than Bastienne and I think, getting my name right, would be the most common sense, first step you would take when reaching out to me.

Also, in ‘new guard’ or current, internet age BDSM, titles are chosen at whim. Anyone can be a slave, a Humiliatrix, a filming sub, a Head Mistress or even, a BDSM educator. The open gate approach is great in some ways but it’s also giving ‘Lord of the Flies’ when it comes to qualifications.

In old school BDSM, there was a series of kinks a person had to experience, even endure, in order to earn certain titles. If a person walked into a room wearing a particular piece of clothing or touting a certain title, it held weight because they had earned it.

Here’s a great article all about Old Guard kink and how that worked. There are certainly flaws in that system but accountability was its strong suit. The titles we use today are, partially, a hangover from that system. They have now morphed into something less rigid and far more interpretive.

For me, they now hold almost no meaning. Everything is on a “we’ll see” basis, including how people identify. Your version of being a slave might not qualify as slavedom to me and vice versa. My idea of being dominant might not feel dominant to you, therefore, I simply don’t use titles. Just call me Bastienne.

The folks who lead with a bunch of proclamations about their mighty servitude are generally people who are high on their own supply and clueless about what actual power exchange entails. On the internet, that works great. It’s a masturbatory indulgence in one’s imagination. In real life though, slow, steady and grounded wins the race.

#5: Clip Stars

The people who are in FemDom clips are usually masochists. They have kinks that are fun to watch. This doesn’t relate in any way to what kind of submissive they are when the cameras are off or whether they are even submissive at all.

I’ve had many experiences with very skilled bottoms who can take a beating, a ballbusting or a fist up the pooter who simultaneously happen to be zero actual fun to play with. Sometimes those clips include a lot of edits because I have to cut out a lot of the power struggle happening behind the scenes where this person will be directing, power bottoming and ruining the whole, damn vibe.

For some people, in a real session, this bad habit often manifests with the person watching the shot as the scene is happening. Yes, they are fixated on the screen of the phone or camera as we are shooting the clip. Most people’s kinks are born from the ideas they glean from porn, so, they often fantasize about being the person in the clip. It’s a natural empathetic response to porn consumption but this version often becomes dissociative.  

When these people take credit for being submissive, sometimes it bothers me. I would qualify these folks as fetishists, performers, experienced bottoms or skilled masochists. Playing or filming with people like this is similar to having dinner with a person who is silently scrolling their phone the whole time. They become so fixated on previous clips, how they looked, how high they ranked, comments they read or wrote about them, they seemingly lack the ability to actually be in the moment of the session with me.

The experience usually elicits a lonely feeling in me and it’s certainly not a power exchange, hell, it’s not even a normal exchange. It’s really just indulging this person in their insular, self indulgent, masturbatory wish list and I am merely an accessory to it. I am a character in their screenplay. When these people call themselves submissive, I disagree, to say the very least.

Obviously, not every filming sub is like this and those who fixate heavily on the clip are also people that I don’t continue to book with. It just can’t be stated enough that just because someone is in a FemDom clip doesn’t mean that they are an ideal submissive, it simply means they have presented you with a visual that aligns with a fantasy of yours. Nothing more, nothing less.

As a clip creator and real life Domme, it’s interesting to take a look around that industry. Many clip stores are owned by male “submissives”. Some compensate the models who act as Dommes in their clips generously and some pay them the bare minimum while pocketing the rest which, you guessed it, is substantially more than the female models or “Dommes” make. All’s fair in love and clips and if everyone consents, it’s all good but, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it frustrating when those (perhaps predatory) male producers present as submissives and are put on a pedestal by my uninformed clients.

#6: Gold Fish

If I was bristling with pride as I handed you my resume and it included upwards of 30 different employers, what would you think? How about if I gloated about the dozen or more therapists I had been to? What about a prideful run-down of my social media stats? Or a list of all the partners I’d successfully cheated on without them finding out? These actions would, perhaps, reveal a non-committal, vapid interpretation of value on my part. Classic quantity over quality and this is how I see FemDom goldfish.

In my opinion, FemDom Goldfish are the epitome of how intimacy issues manifest in BDSM. They collect experiences and people in a way that sometimes veers into a dehumanizing place. There are guys who’ve seen every Domme they feasibly can and have a full, publicly available critique for each on the review site (that will go unnamed). I picked up the term “goldfishes” to describe these guys from a fellow Domme a couple years ago and knew immediately the type of client she was talking about.

They’re here one minute, gone the next and chock full of criticism for the tiny slice they’ve experienced. They equate the quantity of providers they’ve seen with a qualification to critique. The issue is, they’ve never gotten into what most of us would consider a relationship of any depth with a Domme. It’s simply an exercise in perpetually judging a book by its kinky cover.

Here’s a related episode on my podcast called, “I Keep The Wolf From The Door” all about one of these goldfishies. It was a terrible experience I had early in my career but ultimately a great example of a new Domme (me) being taken advantage of by an experienced submissive. In that episode, I also talk about his lifelong pursuit of the ‘perfect’ Domme, the harsh criticisms he had for his numerous, past Dominas and how I ultimately got free and learned an incredibly valuable lesson.

I guess, ultimately goldfishies are like this industry’s unofficial, self anointed version of a movie critic or a restaurant blogger. It’s not fun, but more importantly, it’s not submission. Giving a list of dozens and dozens of failed, paid interactions does not a subby make, but, that’s just my opinion.

These are also the first people to flee at even the hint of anything real. The desire for even the most basic negotiation and problem solving are usually met with a swift exit by these folks. It’s really antithetical to what I experience in long term, successful BDSM relationships.

#7: FemDom Fetishists

Related to the goldfishes, many people, including women, hold a certain level of subconscious misogyny. This is expressed sexually in many ways but, the most common way that I experience it, is in the collecting and objectification of women.

Here’s a few examples of how these viewpoints manifest in my relationships at work: A regular client of mine, telling me about a Domme in California that he really wants to see. He boasts that she is so beautiful that she only had to work as a Pro Domme for one year before retiring because she made so much money. I guess the rest of us Dommes who continue to work are uggos and success in female domination is directly related to how you look, according to him.

Another client was entirely determined to fit me into his preconceived notion of who I am. He was fixated on matching my personality to his idea of what The Perfect Domme is. If I told him that I like sushi, he would cut me off and continue the thought with an explanation about why sushi is so dominant. It’s an expensive food which makes the client submit, financially. It’s a simple food yet complex, like me, his perfect Domme.

After awhile, it feels like there is no break in the fantasy for me to get off the pedestal at any point and just be myself. The person is telling me, without telling me, what they want: Stay on the pedestal and perform. Dance, monkey, dance. Everything feeds into some idealized version of me that I have no control of, I’m merely a witness to its creation as it deviates further and further away from who I truly am. 

I don’t seek to be idolized, I want to be known and some people cannot offer that to women who fulfill their fantasies. It’s the BDSM version of the madonna / whore complex. As I speak I can almost see their eyes wandering, looking for the coin slot that must be located somewhere on my body. The kinky jukebox has gone rogue, put a coin in her and request something else, something horny and less human-y.

Another example: I had a client who could not understand that I don’t really ‘perform’ during sessions. She kept asking when I was going to ‘start' or, I guess, activate my Dominatrix character. I explained that I don’t act during scenes. I directed her to my website which reiterates over and over that I’m just myself during sessions, I dress casually and that my style is non-traditional. She simply couldn’t comprehend how that worked. I can’t be dominant without wearing certain clothes and putting on an act, apparently. Should I pick up a clapperboard and shout “action” next time?

Women in Pro BDSM don’t have kinks or desires, there is clearly nothing genuine here. It’s just a group of vapid, narcissists who simply want to pick out a cute outfit and get attention and money, right? /s

Oi vey.

You get the point and we all interface with viewpoints that threaten our sense of value and identity, in all aspects of life. Dealing with misogyny in an industry titled “Female Domination” is an interesting experience, for sure. We all have our own sense of value and accomplishment and I respect that, from afar… far, far, far, far, farrrrr.

I’ve fired many a client, including women, who cannot comprehend that I am an autonomous person with preferences and feelings. They cannot stop treating me like a kinky fembot and I know, deep down, it’s because of some deep rooted belief they hold about women or sex workers. 

They often want to be trained but, truthfully, there’s no point. I just can’t be bothered to attempt some ill-fated kind of reformation, it’s simply above my pay grade. I don’t need everyone to agree with my perspective but I also don’t want to be around people who, deep down, view me as some money-hungry blow up doll.

I don’t want to waste my energy on people who subconsciously see me as inferior while they are simultaneously dictating how I should roleplay as their superior.

Let’s just say I felt a certain kinship to the waitstaff in the first season of White Lotus.

Those folks have what I call a FemDom Fetish. It’s people who view women as dolls and expect me to be excited that I’ve been picked up and desired enough to be temporarily played with. The idea of * gasp * giving control to a woman seems very taboo and salacious to these people where it’s merely the front door to my desires. It seems to be a very vapid, superficial expression of supposed submission and it irks me when these people identify as such. 

BONUS PETTY PEEVE: "I'm different from your usual clients because I'm ________." Fill in the blank - race, age, gender, body type, economic background, experience level, social status, etc. Usually some thinly disguised brag. Oi veyyyy - you don't know anything about my clients! I pride myself on seeing a diverse spectrum of people so, the assumption or suggestion that I only see … what? Socially inept, impoverished, out of shape, white men? is an insult. That’s your prejudice and you’re showing your ass by saying that to me. My clients are successful, functional, fun, intelligent, diverse and they are beautiful inside and out. Folks who think a social status and a six-pack would ever impress me truly don’t know who they’re fucking with. As my grandmother would say - Don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good lord split ya 👋

That’s it! All my salty little observations for your curious, little mind!

Ultimately, I love my submissives. Most of them have worked very hard to develop a submissive alter ego and they’ve been challenged in ways I never thought I’d bear witness to. It’s a privilege to play with them and to learn and grow alongside them. I see the hard work that is put in and I can’t help but feel a little protective of their valor, as silly as it seems.

These posts always elicit self consciousness in my current or prospective subbies so I’ll say this; if you see me regularly that means you haven’t been fired which means you’re all good. I like writing posts like this so people have a better insight into what being a Pro Domme is really like, warts and all. It’s my favourite job and the one I’ve had the longest, but damn, it’s weird as fuck sometimes in very unexpected ways. Thought you might be curious and enjoy some salty context.

Thanks for reading :)

PS. If you liked this post, you should check out “My D/s Failures of 2023” on The Trust and Thrust Podcast - more delicious tea for your kinky, little mind.