Special Eddie
A tale of regression and remedial diapering.
Read time: 5 minutes.
Imagine a sadistic teacher purposely misdiagnosing you with multiple learning disabilities so she can put you in diapers, humiliate you and take full control of you, all day, every day. Into it? Let’s go! Not so much? Then read this bit… The following is a work of fiction that involves roleplay. It’s a popular form of power exchange exclusively done with people above the age of consent, if it’s not your cup of tea - there’s lots more to explore on my blog, otherwise, enjoy! :)
I’ve worked at this college for about 15 years now and it’s one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had, professionally or otherwise. I initially wanted to teach cloud computing but quickly lost my passion for it. The subject matter was always interesting but the process of teaching, it was clear that it was more of a passion of mine, teaching it was simply unfulfilling. A coworker of mine was developing a remedial education department and, after hearing me lament about my position, she suggested I apply for a departmental transfer.
To my surprise, my application was quickly accepted since not many people wanted to develop or work in this department. Since then, her and I have worked with hundreds of coeds, developing immersive programs for students who would otherwise be overlooked.
Many students have learning disabilities or difficulties but most courses are streamlined and simply don’t account for these differences. We’ve developed very effective ways of assisting these students. They are so effective that they actually work well for many folks in the community, spanning many generations.
We’ve found that having a mix of ages in each class, really helps the younger or more inexperienced students gain exposure to different types of learning and behaviour. For example there’s a boy named Edwart who is quite a few years older than the rest of his classmates who’s made great progress. Initially he was in the general education pipeline but I actually identified him as having learning disabilities and got him switched into my class.
To the layman, he would appear to be completely ‘normal’ but this is why our program is so important. It isn’t until you’ve been trained and have many years of experience that you can identify those people who need this reprogramming the most.
At first, he was very petulant. He would argue with us and insist on being put back in the ‘normal’ class. I ended up meeting with his parents, who are paying for his education, and explained to them that, unless he decided to cooperate, we may have to place him in our Basics Course. This course is considered the most rudimentary of the remedial programs and sometimes involves forms of ethical and therapeutic restraint methods.
Luckily Edwart’s parents are well educated and fully trust the value of these systems we’ve created. They had a few questions about his seemingly late diagnoses but I explained that many students fall through the cracks and essentially bluff their way through school until they end up like Eddie, needing to start from scratch, filling in all the gaps he missed along the way.
Once we had consent from his parents, I really took Edwart under my wing. The first thing we do with students in the Basics Course is get them in adult diapers. We used to pick and choose who needed diapers but after some complaints of favouritism, we decided it would be a general class mandate.
Each morning, we set up each student in their designated learning stations, which are converted twin sized beds. Me and the other staff get everyone set up in their diapers and then we begin our daily routine. First thing we do is implement a ‘tactile cooldown’ which is a way to calm the students down by sublimating their nervous systems. There are restraints attached to each learning station and we systematically restrain each student making sure they don’t hurt themselves or others for at least 45 minutes to start the day.
I always start with Edwart because he’s the oldest and biggest in his group by a fair amount. He used to try to talk his way out of every lesson but now he’s more placid. I’ve worked with him individually quite a bit. He has quite a bit of denial about his abilities and is surprisingly articulate. I always remind his parents, and the other staff, that articulation is not equivalent to intelligence. In the same way that certain birds learn phrases and repeat them over and over, Edwart has done something similar.
You’ll notice that he repeats similar phrases once you get to know him. It’s pretty obvious that he’s just heard these things from movies and memorized them but he doesn’t actually have the capacity to create unique phrases. He repeats things like “I don’t need to be in special education” or “can I go back to the regular classes? I graduated with honours!” or “you’ve made a mistake! I want to be with my friends!” Of course I always reassure him that I’ll be his friend! I think it’s important to make personal connections with the students and reassure them emotionally.
After the tactile cooldown, we always do a group activity that everyone can participate in. We like to keep things very egalitarian so as not to upset the students. For example, Edwart might be capable of doing more advanced activities but we all, including the teachers, keep it simple. We might make macaroni art, play with blocks or do finger painting. Each activity helps focus the students and gives them a creative outlet.
After the group activity, we gently restrain the students again and hand administer apple juice. We don’t want them to drink too quickly so this takes about 15 minutes. I always give Edwart his juice and make sure he drinks all of it because, when he first joined my class, he would try to dehydrate himself. He wasn’t accustomed to relieving himself in a diaper and would often repeat phrases he had heard in the regular class about wanting to be excused to go to the bathroom. He’s doing much better now.
After apple juice breaks, it’s diaper check time. The class sizes are small but this sometimes takes up to an hour so again we only remove the restraints on the students who are having their diapers changed at the moment. Often this can turn into nap time too.
We then take the students into the outside learning area. This is an enclosed area where the students can enjoy the outdoors but also safely interact with the rest of the college students through a safety barrier. Edwart is lucky because his old classmates are exceptionally kind and they always wave to him and smile. I usually secure a soother in his mouth when we do this because he often gets very excited and sometimes even, unfortunately, a bit belligerent.
I think he misses his old friends and might even have a crush on one of the girls so it’s just generally very stimulating for him to see them and watch them interact. It’s very cute.
Sometimes I’ll bring his arts and crafts projects to the outside learning area and give them to his old classmates. They’re always laughing and giggling when they see him and I think Edwart loves that. It’s hard for him to process that type of stimulation though so sometimes it comes across as frustration so I have to take him inside a bit early and place him down for a nap, of course, changing his diaper beforehand.
All around Edwart has been a joy to work with! He’s made steady behavioural and learning improvements despite where he started. Ultimately, even though he is one of the oldest boys in his group and the longest participant in the program, I would not recommend that he be released back into the general student population next year. In my professional opinion, it’s very important that Edwart continues to receive the consistent support of the Basics Course so as not to interrupt his learning progress.
I’m happy to have Edwart back in my group next year although most of his classmates will have graduated out of this level, I have no doubt he’ll make new friends, I’ll make sure of it.
Sincerely,
Miss B
The Wedgie Board
Here’s my favourite wedgie roleplay scenes from my audio-only podcast called The Wedgie Board on Patreon!
Read time: 5 minutes.
Last year, I started getting custom, roleplay, audio requests on my OnlyFans. It got to the point where I had a nice little collection of wedgie focused audio in particular, so I decided to start a Patreon page dedicated to, primarily, wedgie audio. I was pleasantly surprised at how popular it became. Now, I will say, I don’t make a ton of money from it, but, it’s quickly become one of my personal, favourite little projects.
Wedgie subbies all seem to share a desire for self deprecation that never ceases to amuse me! When people send pictures or videos to my OnlyFans of them hanging by their wedgies from trees or doorknobs, or whatever, it genuinely makes me laugh. The absurdity and silly nature of this kink is just the gift that keeps on giving. No acting required, it’s actually funny.
Not to mention, this community is phenomenal at coming up with scenarios where they end up humiliated in the most creative ways. In real sessions, I usually prefer to come up with roleplay scenarios myself, scripts are actually listed in my hard limits for this reason. Very few of my real life subbies come up with roleplay that I like but wedgie subs seem to be an exception.
The little community of tighty whitie wearers over on Patreon has grown and I regularly hope on there to respond to comments and suggestions. I also put up polls and pics of my in-person wedgie sessions. It’s turned into something I genuinely look forward to!
So, let’s explore some of my favourite audio scenes from the past few months of The Wedgie Board.
The WEDGIE HOUSEKEEPER
This roleplay idea was proposed by a Patreon subscriber and immediately made me laugh. The premise being that I'm a disgruntled housekeeper who is constantly dealing with tourists and guests locking themselves out of their hotel rooms. We have cameras monitoring public spaces like the lobby and halls so me and my co-workers can keep an eye on this almost daily occurrence.
Most people are clothed when they do this, some are naked but I see on the surveillance camera a guy who appears to be wearing… TIGHTY WHITIES? Like, an actual full grown man in nut huggers! I claim him as mine to the other housekeepers and head down to find him. When I do, he’s hiding in an alcove, understandably. I think it’d be better to be found naked than in this humiliating state.
I feign compassion, unlocking the door to his hotel room, letting him in and then, to his shock, I follow him into his room and close the door behind myself. I was simultaneously irritated but weirdly giddy at the thought of finally being able to take out my frustration on one of these fools. This guy won’t say anything to management because then he’d have to admit to wearing tighty whities and who would ever do that? Hope he managed to get out of that atomic wedgie I left him in 🤷♀️
80’S NERD PARTY PRANK
Wedgie fetishes are largely informed by the nerd tropes of the 80’s and 90’s. Not all, but many. You know the cliché: Big, black-rimmed glasses with white tape on the bridge, pants hiked up too high, collared shirt tucked in, pen protector, suspenders and - you guessed it - tighty whities underneath!
Well in this audio roleplay, you can listen as I describe to a friend what I did this past weekend. It’s definitely not a new idea but, it’s a classic prank for a reason. I lulled the nerd from school into a sense of safety, making him think that I was his friend, or, maybe more! I invited him over to a house party at my place and told him that it’s 80’s nerd themed.
He was overly excited, it was actually pretty pathetic. When he showed up, obviously, he was the only one wearing a ‘costume’ although, it didn’t even look like one on him, more like business as usual. We were making fun of him and it was kind of funny until we realized that he was wearing tighty whities! We all burst out laughing and took turns giving him wedgies before kicking him out of the party. OMG, how will he show his face at school again?
BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND
Sharing kinks is always hard so when your girlfriend says she wants to talk to you about something, you naturally get butterflies in your stomach. Listen as I roleplay as your girlfriend and I present you with an… unconventional birthday gift idea.
See, I found something online a few months ago that really excited me and I don’t want to put pressure on you but, I think it’d be the perfect birthday present this year. I read about something called an ‘Atomic Wedgie’ and really wanted to try it on you. It takes two people to do so it’s perfect. Plus I’ll go slow and be really nice to you if you do this for me!
You said I could have anything I want… ;)
MOM DATES YOUR BULLY
I love this roleplay idea because it’s somewhat feasible and so, hilariously, humiliating and deeply gaslightilicious! Lots of people are into age gap relationships and, in this scene, you find out the hard way that your mom is one of them.
I explain to you that you’re old enough now to understand that I have a personal life that is just as important as yours. I need to feel fulfilled and find companionship and I can’t control who I’m attracted to. Your friend from school has actually grown into such a lovely man! I know that you used to say he ‘bullied’ you but I think once you get to know him you’ll find out that that’s just his sense of humour. He’s actually so funny - you’ll see!
He explained that you guys were actually really good friends in school and that you were just being overly sensitive which he accepts about you, because he’s such a good person. Think about it, having someone tease you for wearing tighty whities isn’t that big of a deal. So what? He would tug on your underwear every now and then, it’s nothing to cry about!
He explained that it’s a normal thing that people in your generation do with their friends and it’s nothing to be upset about. We’ll have lots of opportunity to talk about it since he’ll be moving in soon! I want you and your step-dad to have a great relationship, the same one you had in school.
He actually asked about giving you wedgies (he’s so considerate) and I told him that when you’re under my roof, it’s my rules and wedgies are perfectly harmless. That reminds me, I picked up a bunch of new socks and underwear for you.
WEDGIES AT THE GYM
This one made me laugh. I think this is my favourite roleplay, it’s so delightfully ridiculous but also, strangely feasible. There’s so many gimmicky, snake oil-ish trends in the world, whether it’s diets, woo-woo alternative treatments or cult of personality lifestyles. When I roleplay as a confident shyster, it is a weird form of catharsis. I’ve seen it in the broader culture so many times, it’s fun and easy to emulate. Everything can be explained and justified, let me tell you how…
First of all, before I explain exactly what I do, I want to ask a question: Are you interested in the minutia of methods? Or are you interested in results? RESULTS, right? That’s why you’ve been referred to me by one of my clients, what I offer is effective and that’s something you always have to keep in mind.
Now, you know that motivation is key when you hit the gym. My methods work because I don’t use traditional means of motivation, I use, what I describe as ‘social motivation’. So, others might view this as humiliation but that’s because they are uninformed and, likely, unmotivated themselves.
I won’t get into all the boring details, it’s a lot of sports psychology and, ultimately, that’s why you’re paying me, so I can deal with the tedious bits while you concentrate on the actual workouts. Essentially, we’ll start at the gym at peak hours so there’s lots of people there. I’m currently working on a method that incorporates wedgies with the gym equipment so you’re basically giving yourself wedgies using the equipment. I’ll go through reps and weights with you and help you through the psychological side of it as well. You should see results within 6 weeks!
If you’re interested in requesting a custom audio roleplay scene or any sort, you can do so by messaging me ($5 per message) on my OnlyFans. It’s $10/minute. If you’re into wedgies, I’d suggest joining The Wedgie Board on Patreon, it’s $7/month. You can make roleplay suggestions in the comments (no DMs) and if I like them I might use your idea as an upcoming episode. Each episode is 5 minutes long, they are posted every Wednesday and go back to August of 2023 so there’s lots to explore in the collection.
Thanks for reading, you big nerd! 🤓
Stolen Kinky Valor
Proclaimations in BDSM are subjective and easily feigned. Let’s talk about kinky valor and the many ways that it is stolen.
Read time: 8 minutes.
I am a woman of many peeves and one of my biggest is Stolen Kinky Valor!
It’s a silly peeve to have since technically, everything in BDSM is subjective. One person’s ‘yuck’ is another person’s ‘yum’ and all that. Nonetheless, feelings and preferences persist and there are some things that consistently strike me as quite disingenuous so, please enjoy as I showcase my finicky side and take everything I say with a grain of salt.
I’ll preface this by saying: I truly believe that there are no two people on this earth who have the exact same idea about what sexual dominance and / or what sexual submission is. I enjoy the subjectivity and freeform expression available in kink, so, these are just my personal perspectives. Please enjoy!
#1: Collars & Leashes
In this blog post by Submissive Guide, the author addresses the various, disputable meanings of the collar in BDSM. The symbolism ranges anywhere from being worn as an indicator of general interest in BDSM to a way to communicate that you’re already in a committed D/s relationship. The collar can also function as a type of D/s wedding ring. Basically, the collar means vastly different things depending on who you ask.
Generally, my perspective is always “new guard,” meaning, do whatever makes you happy, but the leash and collar is an exception for me. Time and time again, when I get requests for leash and collar play, it often indicates a person trying to use a mental “fast pass” in their submission. I always try to keep an open mind but this particular association has proven itself consistently.
A tutu does not a ballerina make if you catch my drift.
It’s the equivalent of wearing the t-shirt of a band you’ve never listened to, buying the most expensive sports equipment prior to actually playing that sport or publicly announcing your dedication to a new diet before ever attempting to do so. I get it. We all have idealistic, half baked fantasies of who we are and what we want to be - but - I’m afraid I’ve gotta sprinkle some shade here.
The truth is, in professional BDSM, we’re all pretty much non-monogamous. It’s the nature of the beast. Very few submissives are actually fully loyal to just one Domme and the Domme is certainly not loyal to just one submissive. Therefore, the use of a collar to indicate ownership is kind of trivial, in this context. Like ordering fish at a steakhouse, it doesn’t hurt anyone but it’s just sort of aimless and, if you’re familiar with my approach, I’m all about function over form.
Speaking of function… often people fantasize about me manipulating their bodies using the leash and collar and, let me tell you from experience, very few people have the physical dexterity or level of masochism that is needed for such “leading.” In my mind, it’s much more efficient to just verbally communicate, making the leash and collar more of a flappy, performative toy than an actual useful piece of bondage, generally.
Of course there’s always exceptions and if you’re one of the handful of my regulars who have their own leash and collar that we use in scenes - heyyyy! ;) You know who you are Mr. Canadian Tuxedo, denim collar and Ms. Meow Meow jump to mind. I’m not talking about you.
I approach this subject the same way I approach Christmas. I generally think it’s much ado about nothing, an excuse to judge, spend money and get stressed, but, if you’re one of those rare people who truly and thoroughly loves Christmas and it brings you real joy then, hey, you being happy makes me happy so, Merry Christmas! I love that for you!
But, if a new person reaches out to me and asks for leash and collar play as the main experience with almost no other interests, weirdly enough, it’s a red flag. I might give them a chance and see if there’s anything to work with but odds are that this is a person who is just interested in the general concept of submission, the look of it. They can often be quite controlling to play with and are likely to end up disappointed because their goal has always been to achieve some visual of a D/s dynamic as opposed to the actual, real world, non-theatrical version of it.
Ultimately, wearing a collar, or holding a leash, does not imbue you with instant, power exchange abilities and I slightly resent this shortcut, theatrical version of D/s.
#2: (not so) Sweet Nothings
“That’s up to you!” has to be my least favourite answer to a question within a scene. I’m a pretty chill person but hearing this phrase from a submissive will elicit a pause in the scene while I perform a little impromptu lesson in power exchange. If I ask a question, it’s because I want, or need, to know the answer. It is my choice to ask that question and I’m almost certainly asking it because I’m trying to make my life easier or make your session better.
There are certain types of discomfort that 99% of bottoms and submissives don’t enjoy, therefore, part of my role is to quickly eliminate those sensations so we can isolate and focus on a specific experience. Being prompted by the bottom to not use my judgment and to just ‘force’ them through possible back pain or a tingling hand is just antithetical to what Pro Dommes offer.
When I ask questions or check in, it’s because I’ve chosen to do so. It works to get your body and your mind set-up in the way that I think will work best for the scene. That’s why you came to me, right? Because I know what works for most people. By answering my questions with “well, that’s up to you,” you are indicating to me that you’re interpreting my method and skill as me being passive or indecisive. It makes me wonder why you chose to see me as a Domme.
Being polite, asking questions and checking in with a subby doesn’t mean that I’m being submissive or indecisive. Here’s a great video by Morgan Thorne all about this subject called “Too Nice to be Dominant?”
This phrase… “You can be more strict.” Oh lord. It always reminds me of this hilariously salty bit by comedian TJ Miller. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. If you want something, ask politely and directly. Your attempts at incepting your will into my behaviour do not go unnoticed.
Truthfully, I try to be as congenial as I can, but, like most Dommes, and most people in general - I don’t like when other adults tell me how to behave. Any phrase that begins with “you can” in a scene is just a poorly disguised directive. I prefer when subbies phrase requests as requests, such as, “can you kick me in the balls?” as opposed to “you can kick me in the balls now.” It makes such a huge difference.
This category also encompasses the more common statements that newbies succumb to like “I don’t have any hard limits!” or “you can do whatever you want to me!” Obviously, it generally only takes a few suggestions to start finding limits.
In general, telling a Domme precisely what to do and when to do it, then thinking to yourself - “Damn, I’m submissive as hell!” is annoying and kinky valour thievery at it’s finest IMO. Actions speak louder than words, which leads me to…
#3: Cheap Talk
The phrases “I want to be your regular” or “I plan to see you every (day / week / month)” are yellow flags for me - maybe even red flags. Generally I wouldn’t post information on my blog that directly informs people how to circumvent my vetting process, but, I am confident that the people that use these grandiose claims are also the people who would never, actually read my blog posts.
The truth is if you plan on doing something, you start slow and you generally begin with a tangible action. Extravagant, over-the-top claims are not a good way to start any relationship. They are almost always an indicator of a person who has no interest in or ability to, actually build a real relationship with someone.
At this point, I’ve been promised the world! I’ve been stood up at dungeons that I’ve had to pay out of pocket for and traveled across the city to get to. I’ve been promised a month long series of chastity centered sessions that ended after one. I’ve had someone offer to pay my rent, to see me everyday, to buy me XYZ - fill in the blank - I’ve likely had it offered to me. At this point, I’ll never believe it until I see it. Trust is earned slowly through action and consistency and anyone who claims to be an exception to that rule is not to be taken seriously, in my opinion.
#4: Titles
This one is so funny. I’m not a Mistress, a Lady, a Goddess, a Queen, a Miss, a sweetie, or a babe. My name is Bastienne. You can call me that or, if it tickles your fancy, you can call me Mommy. Some people, who I am close to, call me B. That’s it. I’ve never asked to be called by anything other than Bastienne and I think, getting my name right, would be the most common sense, first step you would take when reaching out to me.
Also, in ‘new guard’ or current, internet age BDSM, titles are chosen at whim. Anyone can be a slave, a Humiliatrix, a filming sub, a Head Mistress or even, a BDSM educator. The open gate approach is great in some ways but it’s also giving ‘Lord of the Flies’ when it comes to qualifications.
In old school BDSM, there was a series of kinks a person had to experience, even endure, in order to earn certain titles. If a person walked into a room wearing a particular piece of clothing or touting a certain title, it held weight because they had earned it.
Here’s a great article all about Old Guard kink and how that worked. There are certainly flaws in that system but accountability was its strong suit. The titles we use today are, partially, a hangover from that system. They have now morphed into something less rigid and far more interpretive.
For me, they now hold almost no meaning. Everything is on a “we’ll see” basis, including how people identify. Your version of being a slave might not qualify as slavedom to me and vice versa. My idea of being dominant might not feel dominant to you, therefore, I simply don’t use titles. Just call me Bastienne.
The folks who lead with a bunch of proclamations about their mighty servitude are generally people who are high on their own supply and clueless about what actual power exchange entails. On the internet, that works great. It’s a masturbatory indulgence in one’s imagination. In real life though, slow, steady and grounded wins the race.
#5: Clip Stars
The people who are in FemDom clips are usually masochists. They have kinks that are fun to watch. This doesn’t relate in any way to what kind of submissive they are when the cameras are off or whether they are even submissive at all.
I’ve had many experiences with very skilled bottoms who can take a beating, a ballbusting or a fist up the pooter who simultaneously happen to be zero actual fun to play with. Sometimes those clips include a lot of edits because I have to cut out a lot of the power struggle happening behind the scenes where this person will be directing, power bottoming and ruining the whole, damn vibe.
For some people, in a real session, this bad habit often manifests with the person watching the shot as the scene is happening. Yes, they are fixated on the screen of the phone or camera as we are shooting the clip. Most people’s kinks are born from the ideas they glean from porn, so, they often fantasize about being the person in the clip. It’s a natural empathetic response to porn consumption but this version often becomes dissociative.
When these people take credit for being submissive, sometimes it bothers me. I would qualify these folks as fetishists, performers, experienced bottoms or skilled masochists. Playing or filming with people like this is similar to having dinner with a person who is silently scrolling their phone the whole time. They become so fixated on previous clips, how they looked, how high they ranked, comments they read or wrote about them, they seemingly lack the ability to actually be in the moment of the session with me.
The experience usually elicits a lonely feeling in me and it’s certainly not a power exchange, hell, it’s not even a normal exchange. It’s really just indulging this person in their insular, self indulgent, masturbatory wish list and I am merely an accessory to it. I am a character in their screenplay. When these people call themselves submissive, I disagree, to say the very least.
Obviously, not every filming sub is like this and those who fixate heavily on the clip are also people that I don’t continue to book with. It just can’t be stated enough that just because someone is in a FemDom clip doesn’t mean that they are an ideal submissive, it simply means they have presented you with a visual that aligns with a fantasy of yours. Nothing more, nothing less.
As a clip creator and real life Domme, it’s interesting to take a look around that industry. Many clip stores are owned by male “submissives”. Some compensate the models who act as Dommes in their clips generously and some pay them the bare minimum while pocketing the rest which, you guessed it, is substantially more than the female models or “Dommes” make. All’s fair in love and clips and if everyone consents, it’s all good but, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it frustrating when those (perhaps predatory) male producers present as submissives and are put on a pedestal by my uninformed clients.
#6: Gold Fish
If I was bristling with pride as I handed you my resume and it included upwards of 30 different employers, what would you think? How about if I gloated about the dozen or more therapists I had been to? What about a prideful run-down of my social media stats? Or a list of all the partners I’d successfully cheated on without them finding out? These actions would, perhaps, reveal a non-committal, vapid interpretation of value on my part. Classic quantity over quality and this is how I see FemDom goldfish.
In my opinion, FemDom Goldfish are the epitome of how intimacy issues manifest in BDSM. They collect experiences and people in a way that sometimes veers into a dehumanizing place. There are guys who’ve seen every Domme they feasibly can and have a full, publicly available critique for each on the review site (that will go unnamed). I picked up the term “goldfishes” to describe these guys from a fellow Domme a couple years ago and knew immediately the type of client she was talking about.
They’re here one minute, gone the next and chock full of criticism for the tiny slice they’ve experienced. They equate the quantity of providers they’ve seen with a qualification to critique. The issue is, they’ve never gotten into what most of us would consider a relationship of any depth with a Domme. It’s simply an exercise in perpetually judging a book by its kinky cover.
Here’s a related episode on my podcast called, “I Keep The Wolf From The Door” all about one of these goldfishies. It was a terrible experience I had early in my career but ultimately a great example of a new Domme (me) being taken advantage of by an experienced submissive. In that episode, I also talk about his lifelong pursuit of the ‘perfect’ Domme, the harsh criticisms he had for his numerous, past Dominas and how I ultimately got free and learned an incredibly valuable lesson.
I guess, ultimately goldfishies are like this industry’s unofficial, self anointed version of a movie critic or a restaurant blogger. It’s not fun, but more importantly, it’s not submission. Giving a list of dozens and dozens of failed, paid interactions does not a subby make, but, that’s just my opinion.
These are also the first people to flee at even the hint of anything real. The desire for even the most basic negotiation and problem solving are usually met with a swift exit by these folks. It’s really antithetical to what I experience in long term, successful BDSM relationships.
#7: FemDom Fetishists
Related to the goldfishes, many people, including women, hold a certain level of subconscious misogyny. This is expressed sexually in many ways but, the most common way that I experience it, is in the collecting and objectification of women.
Here’s a few examples of how these viewpoints manifest in my relationships at work: A regular client of mine, telling me about a Domme in California that he really wants to see. He boasts that she is so beautiful that she only had to work as a Pro Domme for one year before retiring because she made so much money. I guess the rest of us Dommes who continue to work are uggos and success in female domination is directly related to how you look, according to him.
Another client was entirely determined to fit me into his preconceived notion of who I am. He was fixated on matching my personality to his idea of what The Perfect Domme is. If I told him that I like sushi, he would cut me off and continue the thought with an explanation about why sushi is so dominant. It’s an expensive food which makes the client submit, financially. It’s a simple food yet complex, like me, his perfect Domme.
After awhile, it feels like there is no break in the fantasy for me to get off the pedestal at any point and just be myself. The person is telling me, without telling me, what they want: Stay on the pedestal and perform. Dance, monkey, dance. Everything feeds into some idealized version of me that I have no control of, I’m merely a witness to its creation as it deviates further and further away from who I truly am.
I don’t seek to be idolized, I want to be known and some people cannot offer that to women who fulfill their fantasies. It’s the BDSM version of the madonna / whore complex. As I speak I can almost see their eyes wandering, looking for the coin slot that must be located somewhere on my body. The kinky jukebox has gone rogue, put a coin in her and request something else, something horny and less human-y.
Another example: I had a client who could not understand that I don’t really ‘perform’ during sessions. She kept asking when I was going to ‘start' or, I guess, activate my Dominatrix character. I explained that I don’t act during scenes. I directed her to my website which reiterates over and over that I’m just myself during sessions, I dress casually and that my style is non-traditional. She simply couldn’t comprehend how that worked. I can’t be dominant without wearing certain clothes and putting on an act, apparently. Should I pick up a clapperboard and shout “action” next time?
Women in Pro BDSM don’t have kinks or desires, there is clearly nothing genuine here. It’s just a group of vapid, narcissists who simply want to pick out a cute outfit and get attention and money, right? /s
Oi vey.
You get the point and we all interface with viewpoints that threaten our sense of value and identity, in all aspects of life. Dealing with misogyny in an industry titled “Female Domination” is an interesting experience, for sure. We all have our own sense of value and accomplishment and I respect that, from afar… far, far, far, far, farrrrr.
I’ve fired many a client, including women, who cannot comprehend that I am an autonomous person with preferences and feelings. They cannot stop treating me like a kinky fembot and I know, deep down, it’s because of some deep rooted belief they hold about women or sex workers.
They often want to be trained but, truthfully, there’s no point. I just can’t be bothered to attempt some ill-fated kind of reformation, it’s simply above my pay grade. I don’t need everyone to agree with my perspective but I also don’t want to be around people who, deep down, view me as some money-hungry blow up doll.
I don’t want to waste my energy on people who subconsciously see me as inferior while they are simultaneously dictating how I should roleplay as their superior.
Let’s just say I felt a certain kinship to the waitstaff in the first season of White Lotus.
Those folks have what I call a FemDom Fetish. It’s people who view women as dolls and expect me to be excited that I’ve been picked up and desired enough to be temporarily played with. The idea of * gasp * giving control to a woman seems very taboo and salacious to these people where it’s merely the front door to my desires. It seems to be a very vapid, superficial expression of supposed submission and it irks me when these people identify as such.
BONUS PETTY PEEVE: "I'm different from your usual clients because I'm ________." Fill in the blank - race, age, gender, body type, economic background, experience level, social status, etc. Usually some thinly disguised brag. Oi veyyyy - you don't know anything about my clients! I pride myself on seeing a diverse spectrum of people so, the assumption or suggestion that I only see … what? Socially inept, impoverished, out of shape, white men? is an insult. That’s your prejudice and you’re showing your ass by saying that to me. My clients are successful, functional, fun, intelligent, diverse and they are beautiful inside and out. Folks who think a social status and a six-pack would ever impress me truly don’t know who they’re fucking with. As my grandmother would say - Don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good lord split ya 👋
That’s it! All my salty little observations for your curious, little mind!
Ultimately, I love my submissives. Most of them have worked very hard to develop a submissive alter ego and they’ve been challenged in ways I never thought I’d bear witness to. It’s a privilege to play with them and to learn and grow alongside them. I see the hard work that is put in and I can’t help but feel a little protective of their valor, as silly as it seems.
These posts always elicit self consciousness in my current or prospective subbies so I’ll say this; if you see me regularly that means you haven’t been fired which means you’re all good. I like writing posts like this so people have a better insight into what being a Pro Domme is really like, warts and all. It’s my favourite job and the one I’ve had the longest, but damn, it’s weird as fuck sometimes in very unexpected ways. Thought you might be curious and enjoy some salty context.
Thanks for reading :)
PS. If you liked this post, you should check out “My D/s Failures of 2023” on The Trust and Thrust Podcast - more delicious tea for your kinky, little mind.
2023 Kink Stats
My year, in numbers.
Merry Christmas, I come bearing stats.
I love comparing actual data to perception, including my own. Certain kinks really stick out in my mind and the minds of others (looking at you, ballbusting) so I thought it’d be interesting to delve into the numbers and see what really happened in 2023.
If you’re following me on Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, substack or OnlyFans, you’re likely getting vastly different impressions of what I’m up to. Not only will you get different vibes from each platform you’ll get a different impression of what’s happening in real life.
Well, you know me, ye olde curtain yanker. Let’s hull the curtain back on what I was actually up to this year. I want to publish these stats so that bottoms and submissives can feel less alone and see how common certain desires are and which groups of people are requesting them. Plus, the vast majority of post-session conversation with new (or new to me) clients revolves around these questions and answers so there’s obviously an audience for this information.
If you’re a local Domme reading this, please use this information as entertainment, education or a way to find your own lane, please don’t copy and paste this info onto your website or into your booking forms, thanks. We can each have our own vibe and our own specialties, there’s plenty of weirdness for everyone. Here’s a post I made a few years ago called Attack of the Copy Kittens. It’s about the rampant and blatant plagiarism that happens in Pro FemDom along with suggestions on how to be ethical and respectful while also staying competitive and true to yourself.
Anyhoo, let’s dive in!
| Kink type or experience | Percentage of people who requested this kink out of total requests in 2023 |
|---|---|
| Bondage |
90% |
| Smothering / Facesitting | 57% |
| Spanking | 40% |
| Pegging | 34% |
| Fart Fetish | 24% |
| Golden Showers | 21% |
| Foot Worship | 20% |
| Breath Play | 19% |
| Tickle Torture | 17% |
| Mummification | 16% |
| Sissy / Feminization | 14% |
| Ballbusting / CBT | 13% |
| Trampling | 12% |
| Face Slapping | 10% |
| Cuckold | 8% |
| Sounding | 8% |
| Wedgie | 7% |
| Fisting | 3% |
| Wet & Messy | 1% |
| Cuntbusting | >1% |
| Balloon Popping | 0% :( |
Well my balloon popping cherry still hasn’t been… popped. Oh well, I’ll just keep my balloon-animal-making-fingers crossed over here in the meantime.
Ballbusting was only requested by 13% of people booking their first session with me. Simultaneously, it’s one of the most popular hard limits that people request. This is a perfect illustration of perception versus reality. I love ballbusting, it’s a specialty and passion of mine but it makes up a small percent of people who actually see me IRL. Now, if we look at my clip sales, that would be upwards of 70% of my most popular content. It’s almost as if it’s way fucking easier to watch ballbusting than it is to do it. No shade, just truth.
Smothering, spanking and pegging are way higher than I thought they would be. I’ve realized that they are kinks that are so ubiquitous they’ve just started blending into the background. Like when men ask me if I have many other clients who like to get pegged I always chuckle. Yes, my dear, tis my bread and BUTTer.
It’s also interesting seeing wedgie fetish and WAM fetish so low on the requests list. This is another example of me really loving certain kinks and promoting them a lot which, in turn, looks like I’m doing those kinks exclusively when in reality, they are just very weird and novel so I talk about them a lot. If you’re into WAM, fisting, wedgies, cuntbusting or any of the other less popular kinks, you’re a freak and I salute you (with a dildo).
90% of people requested bondage! This was a shock to me until I realized the level of double taking I do when a subby requests no bondage at all. I always feel this little pang of unfamiliarity, like attempting to remember a recipe you haven’t done in a while. Once you get your sea legs, you’re good to go but it’s always a surprise when people want no bondage at all.
I’ve prayed to the Lesbian Lords long and hard on this stat so I’m weirdly proud. I have sex worker friends who have an almost 50/50 female to male clientele and I’m jealous. I don’t think it’s feasible in Pro BDSM, testosterone is a hell of a drug after all, but, if you’re a woman, trans or NB (non binary NOT New Balance) and you’re reading this, come visit. Help me get my stats up for next year please.
I will say, although the percentage is lower for women, trans and non-binary folks, they tend to see me more regularly. I think this skewed my perception originally of how many of those clients I have until I saw the stats and realized they just visit more often. I’d say of my top 10 clients, meaning those I’m closest to, have seen the longest, feel a connection to and see most often, 5 of those people are not solo men.
Also, I just included gay men in there because I thought about it and they may be the only group I’ve never seen. The only way I can envision a gay gent visiting me is if it were him and his male partner, they have a D/s dynamic and the top wants to humiliate or punish the bottom by performing some version of ‘forced straight’. My god, kink is amazing, I am so down to clown.
Another interesting trend I’ve noticed, about half of the couples I see started as a solo subby. This means they came to visit me when they were single, got into a relationship and then visited again with their new partner. Do you know how cute and amazing that is? That is the equivalent of show and tell for kinky love! I have the best job and I’ll fight you in the streets if you dispute that.
This is the power of Mommy Domme roleplay. People always seem so surprised by how many younger people I see, even young folks themselves. I’ll often get the question “am I one of the youngest people you’ve seen?” or “you probably don’t see many people as young as me, hey?” At that point, I have to squish their dreams of being special.
Think about it, the MILF porn category floats around the first, second and third most popular category on most porn sites. The mommy dynamic is shockingly common just like its more popular, more mainstream counterpart Daddy Dom and LG.
There is also this perception that women in their early 20’s account for the vast majority of sex workers and it’s simply not true, especially in FemDom and other ‘in person’ interactions. In vanilla porn, yes, young women are the most sought after but real life is different.
Plus, we have to keep in mind that men between the ages of 18 and 25 have to be the horniest group of people on the planet so it’s not surprising that they might be overrepresented in everyone’s client list. They are full to the eyeballs with cum, what do you expect them to do? They need a mommy to spank if out of them, obviously.
Also, everyone skews a little weird here in BDSM and FemDom and women in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and even older are popular among people in their early 20’s because of the power dynamic it provides. It’s a perverted tale as old as time.
I personally find it very cute and I love the built in power dynamic, it works perfectly. I love asking them about school and their cute little hobbies and friends after sessions, giving advice and sending them on their horny, little way.
I’m 38 at the time of this posting so I’m not shocked that the majority (45%) of my clients are in my age range. It makes sense to me. Also, for those who are curious, the oldest person I saw this year was 83 and yes, I was gentle with him. A lot of older folks (65+) who see me are crossing items off of their bucket list. They often have never talked about their kinks due to generational differences and it’s always such an intimate and enlightening experience.
| Question on my booking form | Most common answer and percentage of people who responded that way |
|---|---|
| Are you an exhibitionist? Have you fantasized about being featured in my clips or on my social media? | 52% answered YES |
| If you're interested in some sort of training, which kink would you like to focus on? | 24% answered OBJECTIFICATION |
| How were you introduced to FemDom? | 35% answered FEMDOM CLIPS / PORN |
| How would you describe your experience level? Total newbie, beginner, intermediate or advanced? | 54% answered BEGINNER |
| Do you think you'll be nervous on the day of our first session? | 83% answered YES |
| Are you interested in roleplay? | 55% answered NO |
| How much experience do you have being in bondage? | 62% answered SOME |
| Men interested in some heteroflexible activity including: Attraction to trans girls, forced bi sessions or cuckoldry | 73% answered YES |
Probably the most important stat in this whole post is the 83% of people being nervous for, not only their first session, but subsequent sessions too. Most people are nervous and you should be! I'm nervous too. Meeting new people is hard and meeting new people and their butthole is even harder.
I think people are fibbing about being introduced to FemDom via clips. I think the stat is actually higher and people want me to think they are cool, but that’s just my opinion.
The most popular type of training requested is objectification and that’s not surprising to me. This includes sissification, forced bi training and sex slave roleplay. If you’re not familiar with these types of desires, you should definitely read this blog post titled Sexual Objectification and Dehumanization Kinks that I wrote earlier this year. It explains the psychology and motivation behind these popular fantasies.
Men being bisexual, pansexual or bi curious is still stigmatized. It’s important for everyone to know that men are just as sexually fluid and open as women and it’s all good. Everyone can just take a deep breath and calm down about it. If you’re interested in this subject you should definitely check out this substack post I did in 2021 called “The Gayest Fetishes of All.” I was shocked how many men came out of the woodwork to thank me for that post.
If you’re a human being on the planet, you are in the majority if you think dicks are, at least, mildly interesting to interact with. It’s no biggie, let’s all calm down.
Welcome to chocolate starfish town! 2023 was all about bound, bunghole adventures! Also, paddles made a surprising appearance and my trusty smotherbox has continued to serve its kinky purpose. Not surprisingly bondage restraints are the number one requested piece of equipment. This is why I recently invested in expensive, fancy medical bondage from Germany! Give the people what they want!
This might be the dorkiest of all the stats and I can’t tell you how often I’ve resorted to blaming the gosh darn moon for these seemingly random ebs and flows. What’s interesting is that these months often correspond with online sales too. So international sales of clips and things on OnlyFans often shadow these trends which negates theories about the Canadian winter. A cursory glance would indicate that the winter months are busiest (for me), the summer months are slowest and the transition months in the fall and spring are somewhere in between.
Ballbusting is grouped in with the #1 category of “Pain”. People are often shocked that they can request that I not kick them in them balls and that’s how I know that I’ve created a wonderful life for myself. All joking aside, hard limits are the most important element in a BDSM relationship. If you can’t accept another person’s hard limits, you can’t play with them. It’s what separates BDSM from abuse so have as many hard limits as you like!
Side note, I find it funny how often people indicate they don’t want me to put needles in them or make them bleed because I actually have a fear of needles and I don’t want anything to do with blood so - ditto, my friend.
I love that humiliation ranks so highly as a hard limit. It’s just another statistic that flies in the face of FemDom stereotypes and you know how much I love that shit. The words Dominatrix, BDSM and slave all conjure up a very narrow image for most people. The fact that the majority of my subbies don’t want to be humiliated is evidence that BDSM is a lot more fluid, all encompassing and accommodating than most would suspect. Also, praise and approval kinks are the new rising star of requests for me this year! Maybe it’ll land on the most requested list next year.
Shout out to penetration and sounding which didn’t make the top 5 but are always popular hard limits.
Wow, the Americans freaking love me! It’s probably got to do with their population being so much higher than ours and proximity but it’s still cool as hell. Yes, we Canadians make fun of Americans just like everyone else in the world, but, at the end of the day, you guys are like our big brothers. You give us noogies and make us play as Luigi but we still love you. I’ve also had a crazy influx of Americans visiting just to play with me which is flattering as hell. Shout out to California, New York, Missouri, Connecticut and Florida!
Another theory I’ve heard from American Dommes is that their Pro Domme culture is a lot more hardcore than ours and Canadian subbies are sometimes seen as needy or soft. Kind of fits with our reputation I suppose. I’m not sure, this is purely speculative and anecdotal but maybe that’s why American subbies visit me? I have no clue.
Anyways, I will always ask Americans if they really leave their shoes on in their houses and I will pick a fight about who’s money is cooler (hint: it’s ours because yours all looks the same no matter how many times you say that it doesn’t and it feels like t-shirts).
I’ve also had people visit from Israel, Germany, Sweden and the UK this year! Yes, I will adopt your accent and wear your glasses, it’s part of visiting me. Speaking of, can someone from Australia or NZ visit? What the hell? I’m over here watching Australian Taskmaster, Australian LOL and Australian Big Brother like an Oceanic starved freak. We can go smoko, eat eucalyptus leaves, sheer sheep and drink out of shoes or whatever the hell you guys do. Kiwis too!
Also, here’s some stats about the listenership of The Trust & Thrust Podcast on substack. Listeners in 46 countries! So freaking cool. If you’d like a sincere peak behind the curtain of my life as a Dominatrix, you should definitely check out the 130+ posts in the archive over there.
Lastly for Christmas, I’d like to give you some loving admonishment, which (come to think of it) should really be my business tagline. Stop feeling weird and bad about your sexuality. Just stop it. I’ve posted all of the above information because I’ve got a lot of it and I know it’s going to be really enlightening to some people out there.
If you’d like a list of things to actually feel bad about, here you go: Purposely harming other people, making other people’s lives worse for knowing you, hurting animals or minors, stealing, being generally shitty, not helping people who need it, not defending people who can’t help themselves or taking advantage of people in worse situations than you. There you go, there’s a bunch of legitimate reasons you can feel bad about yourself, otherwise, cut it out.
If you’re beating yourself up because you cum to something weird, get out of your own ass (figuratively, not literally, keep those fingers warm) and realize you’re not hurting anyone and you might actually be helping someone. If you’re buying niche porn, patronizing an indie sex worker, sharing your kinks with someone who might need to feel less weird or making someone cum, you’re being a little, kink angel. Look around the world and realize that real, fucking monsters exist. You think you getting a boner from pee-pee matters?? Get over yourself, put your wig on, fart on a cake, get the slip’n’slide ready, tie your balls in a knot, zip up my porcupine costume, get your favourite dildo out, and suck it. Who gives a fuck? Not me, that’s for sure. Merry Kinkmas.
A Very Special Mommy Blog
Mommy has quite the deal for you!
Read time: 6 minutes.
Mommy blogs usually bring to mind a certain type of woman. Conventional, family friendly, clean, polished, traditional and, perhaps, a bit contrived. The premise is that this blogger is an exceptional mommy who takes her role seriously and she feels compelled to share her tips, tricks, experiences and perspective with her loyal, mommy followers.
Sounds great, count me the fuck in.
The following is a work of fiction that involves Mommy / little roleplay. It’s a popular form of power exchange exclusively done with people above the age of consent.
Bastienne’s Mommy Blog: Tips to Keep Constant Control
Unlike most mommys, I don’t believe my step son should be blindly trusted. Littles of a certain age need a lot of guidance. I think providing boundless respect, trust and privacy to someone who doesn’t deserve it is a recipe for disaster. The proof is in the pudding and ever since I’ve taken a leadership role in my step son’s life, he’s become a much more calm, open minded and enjoyable young man. We’ve been getting endless compliments about the positive change and I’m sure you’re wondering what I’ve done to help his progress so much so let’s get into it!
Well, first of all, I’m not afraid of unconventional approaches. I’m all about results and I see that as my job. My focus is not gaining his approval or making his life as easy as I possibly can, it’s to elicit results. The desired result in this situation is a sort of stasis, a holding pattern for him to be kept safe within during the few years when he’s most prone to bad decisions.
Basically hormones are a hell of a drug so the leash must be shortened figuratively, and literally, in some circumstances. The mistake that I see so many mommys make is that they give too much control, thinking they’re being nice. Littles actually flourish with almost no control, that way when you offer them any type of leniency, they’ll be grateful for it. They learn to comply and through that they get the privilege of living in complete safety, something very few people enjoy.
Speaking of safety, let’s get back to those unconventional methods. For boys, their dick is truly their worst enemy. I introduced chastity to my step son right away and, obviously, I hold the keys. Now, there’s definitely a balance to strike here that will take some adjustment as time goes on but a scheduled release time for him every day before breakfast and again after dinner. I would also offer bonus release time on weekends as a sort of allowance related to chores.
Luckily my partner trusts me completely and absolutely loves my methods so I was left fully in charge of this. I determined that it’d be best to start moulding and shaping my step son’s desires in an effort to create a good man, the kind of man I’d want to date if I were his age. I decided that it’d be best if I hand picked the materials for him to watch so I loaded them up on a tablet that he only had access to during these release times. I could also watch and assess which videos he was watching and for how long.
The timing took some trial and error. I started with 5 minutes but that turned out to be too little. I wanted to keep tight control on him so I always knock on the door and put my ear to it before asking, “all done?” When we were experimenting with the 5 minute release time, he would either yell “no!” or a few times he didn’t answer at all. Of course, it’s my job to enforce boundaries so I opened the door after announcing “I’m coming in!”
This resulted in me witnessing a few things I shouldn’t have, including him ejaculating on himself, but each time I just took a deep breath walked right over, hauled him up by his arm and told him to clean himself up and pull his pants up. Sometimes I would be able to put his chastity cage on, sometimes we would have to wait and sometimes it just wouldn’t work at all. He would get an erection each time I would start touching him and that’s when I got the ball crusher. Adaptability is key in these situations!
The crusher is great because it hurts just enough to stop the erection and it enables me to get his cage back on. It also serves as a punitive tool, a deterrent for certain misbehaviour. For example, at one point he would pretend he was done releasing in a bid to have me watch him ejaculate as I opened the door. He did this 4 - 5 times in a row before I threatened to use the ball crusher and that behaviour ceased entirely.
I also wanted to quell the bratty behaviour I was witnessing so I started providing exclusively female dominant, male submissive materials for him to watch during release time. I wanted to make a strong, positive association with submission and release and soon enough, I would look at his viewing stats and the more female dominant videos became his favourites. At this time, he also became much sweeter and easier to be around during the day.
To reward the good behaviour, I introduced earned bonus releases per minute that could be stored and used up on the weekends. Things like folding my laundry, cleaning, even simple things like giving foot rubs were rewarded with extra release time. He was eager to earn this time and even managed to earn himself about 40 minutes one weekend and decided to use it all in one sitting and I decided to grant him his wish since he been making such great progress.
He asked if he could stay up late with the tablet with the pornographic materials on it and I reluctantly agreed to stay up a bit later than I usually would to make sure he didn’t go over time and to cage him back up afterwards. We were chatting in the kitchen before he was heading in and I was joking about him needing to get hydrated for what he was about to do (another bonus of being very close with your step son, we have a very open communication style). He opened up and admitted that he liked my rules and he knew they were good for him but he felt bad because his friends from school were getting girlfriends and he wasn’t allowed.
He confessed that he fantasized about actually doing the things he was seeing in the videos I provided but he knew there was no safe way to do any of them. I was sympathetic and, after a few glasses of wine, a little more openminded than I usually would be. He wanted to ask me a question but made me promise I wouldn’t get mad. He caught me at just the perfect time and I agreed.
“Would you show me… ?” and I instantly knew what he meant. I told him to go to his room and I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes. After seriously thinking about it and finishing my glass of wine, I knocked on his door. He was slumped in his bed, under his blankets, still and utterly listless. As I walked over to the side, I slowly pulled my shirt up and lifted each breast out of the top of my bra. The firm part of the bra bunching under my tits, pushing my C cups up and out. I sat on the side of the bed like I usually would when releasing him from his cage and I took the blanket off of him.
As he rolled over, he looked utterly shocked and just stared at my breasts. As I released him from his cage, his penis was bursting through the sides, blood flowing into a full erection. I didn’t say another word, I just handed him the tablet, smiled and said, “Have fun, I’ll knock in 40 minutes.”
After that, I continued using the ball crusher as punishment and a few new things as rewards. Over time we ended up switching from negative to positive reinforcement. The new rewards included, me watching his release. So those would count as 3 minutes each, meaning if he had earned 20 extra minutes for the weekend, he could have a private release session of 11 minutes and request that I watch him for the last 3 minutes. Another reward was taking pictures of me. This could include anything he wanted to be added onto the tablet and would usually manifest in me releasing him from his cage, then he would request which body part he wanted a pic of, he’d take the pic then his release session would resume as usual.
Rewards usually entailed doing big tasks like mowing the lawn, shovelling the driveway, cooking and cleaning for family dinners and things of that nature. Like I said, this system is unconventional but it works like a charm! Everyone is so impressed with what a polite, well behaved gentleman my step son has turned into and I couldn’t be more proud!
What Kind of Submissive Are You?
Beyond titles, what motivates you as a submissive?
Read time: 9 minutes.
I did a little research before writing this post and I immediately noticed a theme. In BDSM, it seems we’ve each got a few dozen titles to choose from. Sometimes those labels are helpful, but, I often find them to be nothing more than a launching point if not a total hindrance. Each title conjures up such wildly different fantasies for each person, so, for this post, I’ve decided to approach this subject from a different perspective. I’m going to let you peek into my mind and I’m going to explain how I assess each person I see and how that informs how I play with them.
Everything in sexuality starts in the brain and I believe this is magnified in BDSM and kink. I’ll illustrate it this way; we all start our BDSM journey in an escape room. The room symbolizes our identity in relation to others. We each know what is expected of us in the real world and how we are perceived. At some point it’s only natural to want an escape, a departure from our real life identity even if it’s only temporary.
In the same way that we love to binge watch a good show when we get off work, play a video game, watch sports or take a trip somewhere new. The escape from our identity begins in a fantasy, indulging in a new type of porn, being surprisingly into someone or something you’ve never considered before or having new fantasies that involve you taking on an unusual role. This is how the escape begins for all of us and my job is watch to and learn the different routes it takes.
When I meet new subbies, ultimately, I want to know what their intention is. Beyond identifying as a submissive, a princess, a slave or whatever - I want to know what is motivating them, why they have chosen that label. I glean this from the forms I get people to fill out prior to sessions, from asking them questions and from playing with them in person. Once I know a person’s motivation, I can start determining my role in relation to theirs. Sometimes it aligns, sometimes it doesn’t.
You guys know I don’t like copy kittens and I certainly don’t want to be one so, I try to give credit where credit is due and I try to be as original as I can in my work. Instead of copy and pasting the usual submissive monikers and posting them here, I’ll just link to the well written posts I’ve found that have already done a great job detailing this subject:
“18 Types of Submissives” by Bad Girl’s Bible
“10 Different Types of Submission” by Loving BDSM
“BDSM Submissives: 16 Types of Subs” by Jamie at KinkLovers.com
“8 Types of Submission in BDSM” by Anoeses.com
Now I’ll build off the basics that they’ve outlined. Here’s the main types of submissives that have titles in the BDSM community: brat, service sub, princess, bottom, masochist, smart ass masochist (SAM), model sub, slave, pet, domestic discipline bottom, finsub, rope bunny, competitive sub, submissive in training, forced submission, little, internet submissive, cuck, domestic servitude sub, pain slut, sissy and switch.
If you’re new to BDSM, definitely research those terms, take a peek at those websites listed above and do some googling of your own. You can also check out my BDSM for Beginners page which has more useful links listed. That information will certainly provide a good foundation of understanding basic BDSM terms, how you identify and what you’re looking for. Like I said previously, I’d like to look at those titles, expand upon them and fit them into my own view. I’d like to explore these identities more in terms of motivation versus presentation.
The Lone Wolf
Fantasizing about power exchange is a lot easier than actually acting it out in real life. It’s also a lot safer. Lone wolf submissives are people who have rich imaginations and fantasies they revisit and build upon often over years and decades of their lives. They don’t necessarily need or want actual interaction or collaboration from others, their inner world is rich and they enjoy the control they hold there, even if it’s, paradoxically, about them giving up control. For them, this is a perfect form of escape.
They may occasionally ask others to participate but it’s less about collaboration and more about sharing, like, from a director’s perspective. They are the author and creator of this world and you are reading their words or witnessing their creation. It’s more like sharing than it is exchanging power.
They may occasionally seek online sessions or share fantasies online via forums or messages. They seek company and validation but not necessarily input. People who identify as fetishists, online submissives, model subs, power bottoms or rope bunnies might fall into this category. They have a precise idea of who they are, what they want and what they want to present and, as a dominant or play partner of theirs, you have to be willing and able to relinquish almost all creative control and view the interaction as almost a form of service topping. You must enjoy being able to relax, sit back, listen and enjoy the process of indulging in this person’s inner world and their fantasies with minimal to zero creative input.
The Fighter
The struggle bus just arrived and you’ve got a wet spot in your panties about it.
The motivation behind this type of submission is an eroticization of tension and conflict. For most people in the real world, fighting (in any form) is avoided at all costs. Fighting is viewed as wholly negative so, it’s not surprising that many people end up subconsciously eroticizing the tension of conflict. It seems to be the most literal manifestation of a power exchange fantasy.
Whether the fantasy involves being physically forced to do something, fighting and being overtaken, fighting and sometimes winning, being tied up and rendered helpless - the list goes on and on but the plot always involves real tension, whether it be psychological or physical. Brats, consensual non-consent subs, people interested in atonement, discipline, forced play and smart ass masochists would fall into this category.
Side note: I respect everyone’s kink style but, just for clarity, I generally don’t play well with these types of subbies. I’m a basic bitch who just likes my submissives acting submissive right out the gate but that’s just me. No shade, just preference.
The Explorer
Ah yes, the “everything but the kitchen sink” submissive. These folks are curious and open minded. They are ravenous and, perhaps, a little hedonistic. They are often ambitious, confident and just enjoy collecting new experiences throughout all the different realms of life including sexuality. I’d say, these are the rarest type of people I come across. I usually figure out I’ve got an explorer on my hands when they are joking around with me during play and they tend to react similarly to lots of different types of play and stimulation.
They have often distilled the submissive experience down to its essence and live by the motto “it’s up to you!” Many of these subs have learned to subvert their pleasure for mine so if I like it, by proxy, they like it. This requires some introspection and practice.
Although, I love playing with these folks, and from what I’ve described above it may sound like they are ideal play partners, I find myself often craving more direction. These are the gypsies of kink, the dreamy artists that never seem to settle into one spot. If I can get these folks into something I really like such as ballbusting or golden training, then I really start having fun with them. Their open mindedness makes them both fun to play with but also makes it difficult to get really deep into one particular thing, it’s more buffet style play which can quickly end once you’ve checked off a few dozen experiences.
Like any trait or attribute, this level of openmindedness has its pros and cons. As a very novelty motivated and openminded person myself I often find that I drift away from these folks over time because we’re both so ‘go with the flow’ no-one is really anchoring the play down long enough to get into the nitty gritty of any one, particular kink. A lot more effort goes into creating structure for these scenes on my end.
The Golden Child
Ah yes, hello golden children! My little, kindred spirits. I feel deep comradery with these folks alongside a sense of resignation knowing that the perfection they seek will never come, especially not through professional domination. I will be the bearer of that message. I’m always grateful when I scoop one of these babies up because I know they’re safe with me. These folks are ripe for getting used and abused and I trust myself to keep them out of their own way and to redirect their attention away from pleasing me and back into their experiences and how they process them.
These subs are Type A personalities, people pleasers, good boy and girl types who often secretly want to be my favourite. They are the teacher’s pet, subconsciously competing with my other subs, contorting themselves physically and psychologically in the futile pursuit of perfection. Submission offers a seemingly safe space to pour their desire into, to finally excel at their insatiable desire for approval, they seek amnesty from rejection, a place where self abuse is rewarded.
I know this because I suffer from the same affliction and I know where the road ends. So, I gently hold the hand of each of my fellow perfectionists as we walk slowly to that terribly enlightening and inevitable conclusion: You’re not perfect, you’re not my favourite and you’re not the best and, even if you were, I wouldn’t tell you because that’s not why we’re here. This is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way through this work and it’s both disappointing and exceptionally liberating.
Those who journey down this path are particularly vulnerable in BDSM. I love redirecting these folks away from their fixation on me and my approval and back to the real purpose of BDSM, in my opinion: It’s a practice in self reflection and self acceptance. You learn to borrow from others until you can stand confidently on your own. You learn autonomy, independence, confidence and self love. A very counterintuitive lesson indeed.
Golden children are the ones who memorize my preferences, conform to my proclivities and deeply yearn for my favour. They are also the most likely to dump me. Once I know what this person is doing, it then becomes my job to withhold. Not in an abusive or manipulative way but in the same way that you would hide a junkie’s pills. I redirect as much as I can but, it’s always a 50/50 chance I get dropped at this stage and I totally get it. It’s like signing up for a cooking class and ultimately learning how to change your car’s oil. It takes a certain type of person to adjust to this level of redirection.
Folks that may fall into this category include; worshippers, service subs, pets, domestic discipline bottoms, competitive subs, 24/7 subs and I’m sure there’s many more. These folks have provided me with the broadest array of experiences, including some of the most painful rejections I’ve experienced in pro domination alongside a few first row seats to the most beautiful and meaningful transformations.
The issue is, I don’t view my job as a Domme as a means to make you fall in love with me, I view it as an opportunity for you to fall in love with yourself. I’ve learned over time, that despite my own, futile pursuit of perfection as a Domme, this approach is among many of my traits that are entirely unsatisfactory to some. I am left with the solitary conclusion I share with my fellow golden children - I am forced to let go of the idea of perfection and accept who I actually am and what I actually offer along with the rejection that accompanies it. In the face of rejection, I’ve learned to accept myself and I love helping others do the same.
The Simplifier
This encompasses the vast majority of kinks and the people who pursue them in the submissive role. It includes: filth kinks, objectification, masochism, pain sluts, slaves, sissies, toys, littles, cucks, finsubs, domestic servitude - to name a few. Wanting the world to be simple and your role in it to be small, purposeful and straight forward is the most human desire I can think of. It makes perfect sense to me.
Life is absurdly complex, wanting someone to take control and make it simple is the intention behind the vast majority of kinks, in my estimation. This manifests in so many interesting ways but boils down to the same escape route - simplicity. Whether it’s becoming a toilet, a sex slave, a fart cushion, a whipping boy, a punching bag, a maid or a pet, each role is basically mono purpose and beautifully functional.
It’s simultaneously a form of displacement and meditation. Whether it’s negative or positive depends on the person and the situation but I find it entirely understandable and I experience a level of meditation during sessions in a similar way. My entire goal during my play time is to micromanage the shit out of this other person. Every one of their eye movements, words, the placement of their limbs, their little noises, reactions, lack thereof and so on become my entire world. The experience eclipses real life temporarily and it’s very satisfying, I get it.
So, do you identify with any of these intentions? Do you see yourself in one of these categories? It’s truly fascinating stuff. I hope this blog post has been helpful and if you’re interested in more kinky thinky, check out my podcast, The Trust & Thrust Podcast on substack and this full list of links here. Hopefully you find more insights in those links, thanks so much for reading. Stay kinky until I post again here next month ;) xo
My Expectations 2.0
Expectations are very important in BDSM. Here’s my updated cheat sheet for newbies.
Read time: 5 minutes.
It’s been awhile since I posted this podcast “What I Expect of You in a Session” on my substack in 2021 and the free version available to read here on my blog titled “Tips for Your First FemDom Session.” Definitely read and/or listen to those before reading this post.
When I write posts for my blog, I try to speak directly to the submissives I want while simultaneously icing out those subbies who exhibit bad behaviour. Generally, I try to starve bad subby behaviour of attention but, alas, after years of doing this job, it’s clear that some things need to be directly stated. Common sense is in the eye of the beholder and all that so read that old post from 2020 then read this salty add on. This coincides with my new, stringent booking process that I implemented this past spring that I detail here, “New Booking Process”.
Be forewarned: This is a salty ass post so proceed with that knowledge, but, if you’re a respectful, attentive person, most of this likely (hopefully) doesn’t apply to you. Read through the perils of others below to avoid the same missteps.
#1: TIME MANAGEMENT
This one hasn’t changed. I don’t fuck with people who are chronically late, cancel frequently, can’t plan ahead or are generally flakey. I don’t tolerate it in my personal life and I certainly won’t tolerate it professionally.
Time management and consideration also include any and all forms of time wasting, such as; asking me about things that are easily Googled like BDSM terms or directions, reaching out multiple times without following through, making me repeat myself and not taking the time to carefully read my explicit instructions.
It’s not cute, it’s not a quirk, it’s disrespectful. Doesn’t work for me, move on.
#2: BASIC KNOWLEDGE
Please play the above song while reading this next bit.
If you don’t know any of the following things: Who I am, where I am, MY NAME (including BDSM title or lack thereof), what I offer and particularly my HARD FREAKING LIMITS, then, instead of having a BDSM scene with me, why don’t you play the above video to yourself in perpetuity whilst staring out a damn, dusty, old farmhouse window by yourself.
Seriously though, do your research before reaching out to me, or any provider. I have hundreds of hours of listening and reading materials to peruse, a website full of information and hours and hours of video evidence of my style being demonstrated in publicly available, perfectly watchable clips. If you choose to reach out simply because of the pictures on my website, I will quickly sniff your lazy ass out. You shall not pass GO, you shall remain strictly on the internet.
My time and energy is precious so proceed with that understanding. I have the quickest block finger in the east. I’ll happily add you to my block list of almost 400 people and you can live out your days in my spam folder if you don’t quickly demonstrate that you’re respectful and possess some common sense.
Once that trust is established - I’ll be a freaking sweetie pie to you.
#3: Hard Limits
Let’s say it all together, just for fun - if you don’t know my hard limits, I simply won’t play with you.
#4. ETCH-A-SKETCH YOUR BRAIN (DURING PLAY)
One of the most difficult parts of my job is remaining open to each new person. It’s simultaneously anxiety inducing and the reason that I love my job. I’m forced to etch-a-stretch my brain for each and every person, each and every time we play. That is very difficult and that’s why I’m very picky about who I play with. Our minds intuitively seek a pattern, a predictable outcome but, we’ve still got to remain open.
It’s like, monk + dildo = me.
My point is, I’m doing a lot of work to stay open, learn about each, individual person, memorize their preferences and limits while leaving room for change and growth. If you can’t reciprocate to some degree, I won’t play with you.
This refers to people who call me Mistress despite me explicitly telling them to call me Bastienne. People asking for latex and leather despite me being one of the only Dommes who doesn’t offer that, folks expecting strict, high protocol behaviour at the snap of their fingers, as if all Dommes are borne of some hellfire academy of highly trained fembots, solely created to embody your internalized, misogynistic, surgically specific idea of what a powerful woman should be. If I have to explain to you, at any point, that I’m a sentient person who chooses my own outfits and forms my own sentences, that’s a wrap on you, bud.
But, I digress.
The point is, all these images are tropes. They are stereotypes. They are ideas gleaned from the most vapid glance at FemDom and I find it diminutive and dehumanizing. FemDom is one of the greatest loves of my life, I have found immense freedom here. Don’t use it against me to shove me into a tiny, objectifying pigeon hole. I don’t do that to the folks I play with so don’t do it to me. Read the links I send and the instructions I have meticulously crafted. As pro wrestler (and super smart guy) Rob Van Dam once said, assumptions make an ass of u & me. Take the time to get to know and accept me for exactly who I am and I’ll do the same in return.
#5. ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES
Real BDSM is messy and unpredictable. As a Domme, it’s my job to account for as many variables as I can but, unfortunately, at this time, I’m not an actual wizard :( In BDSM, if you’re fully immersing, you may end up feeling a spectrum of emotions, not just the nice ones. Rejection, boredom, disappointment, and more! Be forewarned - they live here too. Vanquish the idea that you will only feel submission and that all other feelings are a failure of mine or yours. This expectation is a recipe for disappointment.
The beauty of BDSM is the spectrum. It is analogous to life. It’s a safe place to practice feeling these feelings. This is what makes it a beautiful and cathartic practice, not something to be excised.
There is a LOT of experimentation and course correction that happens in these scenes and all of these experiences are ethereal. Even if you find something that works today, it might not work tomorrow. The process forces you to be in the moment and it encourages self reflection so get ready to roll up your thinky sleeves.
This means emotionally and, sometimes, physically you will feel things that are unpleasant. Not painful, not traumatizing, not frightening but… unpleasant. Bondage is uncomfortable sometimes, a hood might itch you a bit, you might have an internal battle with feelings of annoyance or anxiety deciding if you should use your safeword. It’s all part of the process and it’s important to know that going in.
Submission is given. It is either a natural disposition you already have, or, like the majority of folks who see me, it’s something you have to put effort into developing. A lot of people interpret this process as some type of failure on their part, on my part or on the scene itself. It’s not a failure, it’s part of the process you’re learning - the very difficult and counterintuitive task of giving up control. It’s a tough thing to accomplish so proceed with patience and compassion.
Thank you for reading and be sure to read my original, significantly less salty, version of this instructional from 2020 available here :)
Adopt, Don’t Shop
What I’ve learned through D/s has extended to helping traumatized animals.
Read time: 7 minutes.
What the hell do adopted pets have to do with a BDSM blog? Well, you can always trust me to relate EVERYTHING back to BDSM. In the past, I’ve been tempted to promote charities or causes I believe in through my platforms but I usually resist. I don’t love mixing politics, world events or beliefs heavily with my work. I might reference things here briefly or in more detail on my podcast if I think they’re relevant to my audience or relate in some way to the exploration of BDSM but that’s generally the extent of it.
Everyone has a vanilla life with charities they support, political leanings, opinions and all that boring adult stuff. I like to keep my little corner of the internet focused on the task at hand which, for me, is usually concerning FemDom things, power exchange and self exploration through BDSM experiences. I don’t, generally, see anything outside of those subjects as my expertise or business usually, but, adopting shelter pets actually relates. Let me tell you how…
Last Pick
I think everyone who has a ‘non conventional’ sexuality can relate to this phrase. It’s a right of passage for all of us, the journey from feeling sexual shame to feeling sexual acceptance. The feeling of being flawed, fucked up, freakish, used goods or unwanted are familiar themes that I see in my work, both the fantasy and reality sides. Over time, this feeling of shame can leak outside of our sexuality, into our sense of self and become debilitating.
Something magical happens when you find another ‘broken toy’, for most of us, that’s the kink community in some variation. Acceptance, validation and understanding are what we want. This is true for us in the same way it is for pets that end up in shelters. They have a background, a story, experiences, a set of preferences and fears. They aren’t new and shiny, not at first glance. It takes an open and empathetic eye to see the beauty there but once you do… oh boy, do they glitter.
Similar to the experience I’ve had in BDSM, the weirdest people often end up being the best. Once you go weird, you never go… beard? That doesn’t make any sense but you get my point. None of us, particularly in BDSM, will ever be the beautiful, blue eyed siamese kitten with a waitlist, twenty deep, of rich folks waiting to pay a couple grand for the privilege of her presence. We will however be the old, adorably wonky-eyed dog with scruffy fur, a smooshed nose, three teeth and the ability to make stranger’s instantly smile by its sheer absurdity and that’s fucking awesome.
Patience & Trust
Hmm, interesting that the exact skills it takes to rehabilitate a pet are the same ones you learn in power exchange. It’s almost as if there’s a common thread here between all of us. Feeling comfortable, accepted and safe seem to be very valuable things in this world. I mean, I personally really like them. Learning to slow down, be grateful and learn to work in tandem to get what we all want is essential in building confidence and feeling safe in the world, whatever species you are.
With each relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic, familial or one with a pet, we are forced into openness. We must accept a completely and utterly separate being that walks around with part of our heart in them. We’ve got to accept them totally for who they are and be changed permanently by our love for them. It’s just as horrifying as it is utterly enriching and meaningful. It is the heart of darkness when it comes to power exchange.
I’ve talked about developing patience and trust in power exchange before. I feel like we first practice with others so that we can ultimately offer it to ourselves. Any relationship is practice in that larger process.
Explore Outside of Yourself
Professional BDSM is a self analytical tool for (almost exclusively) rich people. While fascinating, it’s a lot of me-me-me time. Take it from the lady who pontificates about herself professionally: Everything in moder-fucking-ation. Sometimes it’s great to be self aware and self focused and other times it dips into self consciousness, indulgence, self centred-ness, neuroticism and might lead to anxiety and depression.
It’s a well known mental health tool to focus outside of yourself to relieve symptoms of mental health issues. Nothing will do that like adopting a pet who requires extra time, patience and attention. It forces you to be present and creates an inner world of attentiveness and generosity which - lo and behold! - You get to exist within as well. It’s like an in-built karma system.
Once you routinely extend patience and acceptance to others, sometimes it’s simply easier to extend that perspective to yourself too.
Skillz
Just like people collecting experiences in BDSM, you collect skills in pet ownership, particularly caring for high needs ones. Starting out with low maintenance pets makes sense and then, as you gain experience, you can take on higher maintenance ones. In total, I have five veterinarians in my family so I’ve been non-consensually learning about animals my whole life. Within the last ten years or so I’ve started putting real effort into pet ownership though. That is a nice way of saying I’ve become a crazy cat / dog / rabbit lady.
The skills do accumulate though, just like any other hobby, and benchmarks are randomly hit. I remember boarding a small dog who had never been to a dog park and cowered in fear in between my legs on our first visit. After a few days of her hanging out with my (overly) confident dog, I’ll never forget her blissfully running, full speed, with a pack of, at least, ten other dogs of all sizes. They were galloping in huge circles together, the little dog leading the charge, full tilt. It was utterly euphoric to witness.
Fostering independence, confidence and freedom where there once was only fear is a practice that extends from my work in BDSM to my personal life with traumatized animals. Places like the Humane Society are very helpful but they are, rightfully, very particular. If you contact them with humility and honesty about your experience level, accommodations and budget, they will likely help connect you with an appropriate pet.
Just like in BDSM, many cogs need to align to make the machine work and there’s some negotiation, advocacy, potential rejection and patience involved in the process.
The Reward
In sexuality, vanilla sex and vanilla interactions were fun while they lasted for me. Getting the sexual validation of a conventionally attractive person always feels nice, but, the effects are never that long lasting or deep, at least, for me. In BDSM, I find a depth of connection unavailable elsewhere and I think, oddly enough, it’s because of the shame involved.
Feeling rejected enlightens you to the feeling of vulnerability and what you do with that feeling is up to you. It can shut you down or it can open you up. I feel most powerful when I take something bad and turn it into something good. It makes me feel strong, confident and, weirdly enough, dominant. Like life can fuck with me but, I’ll fuck back.
The connection you have with a person or pet who has a past, maybe even trust issues, is a deep one. It’s well worth the extra steps and the extra time. To me, it’s a relationship built on real respect and trust. I’m not here because you're new and cute, I’m here because I genuinely think we can help each other.
I’ve recently adopted a seven year old, former puppy mill mom. She spent her first seven years in a crate, being repeatedly impregnated and then having her puppies taken away. Now she’s with me, officially retired. She’s sleeping on my lap as I type this and her biggest concern for the day ahead is whether she wants salmon or chicken breast for lunch. She’s also got some butterflies to chase in the backyard which she can pick at later after a nap.
If that isn’t power and influence, I don’t know what is.
I was very sad about her story at first but now that I’ve got her, I’m just, simply elated. Just like in my work, I can’t control what other people do, I can only be a force for what I think is good. My work has taught me to just go ahead and ask for what I want and, as per the usual, it feels amazing.
If you want to adopt and if you have some experience with pets, I highly suggest researching local shelters, reaching out and asking about their senior pets, the one's who have been there the longest and the one’s who are on sale because of it. It might seem overwhelming at first but trust me, it’s not. In the same way that people make assumptions about folks in BDSM, they’re wrong. We’re fun, lovely, accepting people with tons to offer, just like the pets at the animal shelter.
I’ve had pets of all sorts my entire life and the ‘leftover’ ones are always the best. They’re not depressed about their lives, they are quirky, interesting, unpredictable and nuanced. They’re survivors, they are full of life, full of character and each of them has something amazing to offer but only to those who can see a little past the surface. Perhaps you can see yourself in them and find a kindred spirit. I promise you, there is an extra special prize for those who are strong enough to look on the bottom shelf :)
The Control Freak Whisperer
Learn more about my methods, approach to BDSM and what I really offer in session.
Read time: 7 minutes.
Well, the title pretty much sums it up. I’d say my main specialty is working with people who are stuck in their heads. This manifests as over intellectualization, self consciousness, controlling behaviour and anxiety.
People often end up seeking out experiences within BDSM while simultaneously being perplexed by their own motivations. Well, after years of experience, I feel like I finally have an answer for these folks. The majority just want an escape from the feeling of being stuck in their own heads and they search for an experience that will force them out of this pattern.
I’ve written tons about my approach to BDSM here on this blog and I’ve recorded hundreds of hours about this for my podcast but, I figured it would be nice to create a summary of my methods here as a quick reference for those seeking a compatible Dominatrix here in Toronto.
Grounded Theory
In my work, this means that I do not make theories or decisions prior to having interacted with the subby in question. This includes even potentially disregarding how they self describe. Actions speak louder than words so I like to chat with people and lightly play before making any decisions or creating any theories about them. This is antithetical to how many people view a Dominant within BDSM and that’s why I want to state it clearly here.
I have found very little success in ‘forcing’ people into some rigid expectations, whether it be mine or theirs. I have learned the boundaries of what I am comfortable offering but beyond those limits, I have had great success just staying open to each person that stands before me. I learn new things and have to offer flexibility, which I enjoy. This sparks creativity, offers me novelty in my work and yields wonderful results for those learning more about their submissive side.
So an example would be: A subby reaches out describing themselves as intermediate in experience, not masochistic, interested in bondage, facesitting and foot worship. Upon meeting them, asking questions and playing, we gain insights and can amend their self description going forward. They actually have a slight fear of bondage which hinders their ability to enjoy their play time and they don’t want to work on currently. They have masochistic tendencies that were misidentified due to ideas about pain versus worship. They enjoy reward based punishments or trials such as enduring X amount of light CBT to earn X amount of foot worship.
This process happens quickly, in the moment and it is almost entirely interpretive. It’s a combination of body language, reactions and answering certain questions before and after play. Although I do see many patterns within the desires and behaviour of my subbies, I never assume. I watch, collect information, ask questions and create scenes that work for them individually. For me, this method works so much better than attempting to conform someone into a scene I’ve created beforehand.
In my experience, the idea of ‘forcing’ someone into something is entirely fantasy. In real life, I lull, entice and guide. The key to great BDSM is consent so that’s the cornerstone of my behaviour in each scene.
Yogic
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times: Everything I’ve learned about submission, I’ve learned through yoga. My teaching, or guiding method, as a Domme is almost entirely formed by my experience as a yogi.
The yoga that I enjoy is very self led. The teachers will repeat things like, “this is your body, this is your practice, my words are merely a guide”. They slowly but persistently imbue you with confidence in your own bodily autonomy. To me this method is the most effective way to get results, especially if you’re working with people who struggle with control issues, which I often am.
A yoga studio is often a liminal space, void of expectation and judgement, it is intentionally blank, save for a foundation of acceptance and gratitude that is built through the words of the teachers. “Thank yourself for showing up to your practice today, thank your body for what it is able to do, thank the person on the mat next to you for sharing their energy and presence”. They teach you to use neutral language when describing the different sides of your body, the different results and feelings you experience. Qualitative words like ‘better’ are discouraged, instead opting to describe things as ‘different’.
It may seem sappy and over-the-top woo-woo at first but it works and, to me, efficacy reigns supreme. It is from this place of acceptance and stillness that we can begin to build something amazing. The truth is, we don’t keep showing up to places if we don’t feel welcome. Simply showing up is often the hardest part of any endeavour so that’s a huge element that I focus on. Whether it’s my behaviour or the space I work from, I like providing a warm, calming environment that is pleasant to remember and makes you feel that you are always welcome to return.
Positive Reinforcement
As my grandmother used to say: You catch more flies with honey than you do with shit.
Truthfully, no one likes being criticized, even those who are eroticizing the idea of it. Judgement and punishment in BDSM are more theatrical and tongue-in-cheek for me. For example, if someone forgets to take their socks off before their session, I may jokingly threaten to spank them because of their bad behaviour. It’s all very lighthearted and playful, and comes from a place of acceptance.
In my experience, this creates a fun, relaxed environment where people feel more comfortable being vulnerable. This comfort actually leads to more submission, maybe even to some masochism. To get control, I give control. To invoke masochism, I give kindness. It’s counterintuitive but it works.
Oh Body, Where Art Thou?
For me, yoga gave me a relationship with my body that I had never experienced before. Like me, most people who are ‘stuck in their heads’ end up viewing their body as a glorified transportation device for their omnipresent brains. Yoga and BDSM both seem to provide a space where the body is the intuitive star of the show. This is why I’m attracted to play that is tactile and physical.
When I offer sessions, I look forward to this familiar practice of being in my body again. I need things like this to keep me grounded and I know many of my subbies feel the same way. In this vein, it’s a truly symbiotic exchange.
People often mistake masochism for extreme acts of perplexing deviousness. Masochism, in my experience, is a way of being forced into your body. It often attracts people who are over-thinkers. The pain doesn’t have to be severe, in fact, the pain is generally a means to an end. Excitement, a little bit of fear and, of course, an offering of vulnerability to the person implementing it. It’s like riding a roller coaster, getting a tattoo or trying an extreme hot sauce. It’s an experience that takes people out of their heads and into their bodies, usually in very mild forms.
Conversational
My domination style is very casual and conversational. I almost always sit and chat with people prior to playing and I often tell people to just act normal and be themselves during play. There’s no need for acting or role play, those things often evolve naturally once you feel comfortable and familiar with what’s happening and sometimes they don’t happen at all. This is where just staying open and feeling things out comes in handy.
I guide the session because that’s my role but most of the flow is a collaborative effort, just like a conversation. There is no rigid planning or organization that works within a conversation, there are just general topics to explore and the ability to improvise and contribute where appropriate. I like creating a space where people can be creative and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
Rituals of Control
Have you ever watched Forensic Files? I have. Actually, I’ve watched hundreds and hundreds of episodes and the reason for this - I’ve realized - is because of it’s familiar formula. Many of us have low-brow, guilty pleasure playlists or shows we put on in the background because the familiarity is simply comforting.
I like creating little rituals with my subbies as we get to know each other. Like a restaurant, one of the main things I offer is consistency. This provides safety in a world that feels unsafe, it makes certain acts that were once uncomfortable and unknown feel familiar and pleasant. Being tied up the first time might be anxiety inducing but with assurance and a respectful guide, it can quickly become associated with the feeling of letting go. Enjoying a glass of wine during aftercare while chatting about the session can become a familiar, comforting routine.
The creation of these patterns together, slowly creates a foundation where new experiences can slowly be introduced. Most people want a little bit of novelty sprinkled in at a reasonable, consensual pace. Creating rituals together inspires more curiosity and creativity for subbies, in my experience. By establishing familiarity through repetition, a sense of control is established and from there most subbies naturally start exploring.
Dehumanization & Objectification
In line with everything I’ve stated so far, I tend to attract people who are ‘stuck in their heads’. This can manifest as a body versus brain issue or a feeling of being stuck in a rigid identity. For most of the subbies I attract this is the feeling of always having to be in charge, dominant and responsible in their day-to-day lives. The desire to escape this pattern can often manifest in the desire to be consensually diminished. This is a theme that runs through most of my work and one that I totally understand and enjoy.
Dehumanization and objectification kinks manifest in many different ways but they all provide an escape from something. The feeling of being reduced or used is a way for people to simplify their world. It is a way of escaping an overthinking mind and a life that can be complex, confusing and feel out of control. These themes run through my work and provide cross over into the kinks that I enjoy myself.
In real life, like in this post, I honour the complexity of each person. I put a lot of energy into understanding and accepting each person for who they truly are. It’s a trait that people like about me but it can also be quite tiring on my end. That’s why in my sex life, there is nothing more cathartic than throwing all of that to the side and treating someone as a one-dimensional object. Again, it’s symbiotic. They want to be objectified and I want to objectify them. It works out perfectly and that’s why I claim dehumanization kinks as an over arching specialty of mine.
Summary & Resources
I hope this post helps illuminate what to expect from a session with me. Basically, my style is casual, self led, lighthearted and based on a foundation of acceptance and consent. I think my work can be quite therapeutic if you know what to expect. If you’d like more content like this, check out “The Trust & Thrust Podcast” on substack. There you will find over 100 episodes in the archive all about FemDom theory, my experiences, revelations and such. Also check out submissiveguide.com and their Patreon page for more insights into exploring submission in a safe way. Morgan Thorne, an established Toronto Dominatrix, has an insightful YouTube page full of free tutorials as well.
Thanks for reading! :)
The 5 Types of Fear
The 5 types of fear that we all share and how they manifest in kink.
Reading time: 8 minutes
According to psychologist, Dr. Karl Albrecht, there are 5 main categories of fear that we all share. I see these fears manifest in my BDSM scenes all the time and regularly walk people through their unanticipated and often irrational reactions. Logic and fear don’t often go hand in hand and pragmatic, controlled folks are often shocked at their nonsensical responses to certain experiences or seemingly irrational attraction to certain, scary seeming, kinks.
I’m very accustomed to going slow with new folks because these fears will sneak the fuck up on you, believe me. Things like breath play, bondage and humiliation play can illicit all kinds of feelings, whether they make sense to you or not.
Fears are visceral and often out of our control, but, they can be exciting too, like a scary movie or a roller coaster. In BDSM, oftentimes, fear is used as a fuel source, a form of sexual nitro. I always think of it like when you were a kid and your friend would dare you to run into the dark basement, just to the bottom of the stairs, then run back up. It’s terrifying but, ultimately, safe and that’s what makes it so exhilarating. BDSM is the adult version of that.
The following listicle is taken from this article by Dr. Albrecht titled “The (Only) 5 Fears We All Share” and, in it, he defines fear as: “An anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience.” In a way, the last bit of that sentence feels like a summary of my work. Fantasy and fear intertwine and I’m constantly managing the expectations of those who seek my services which ultimately involves a lot of emotional management, including feelings of anxiety and fear.
Sometimes, I think I could write a whole book called The Logic of Illogical Feelings.
In the article he also proposes that there is a hierarchy of fear types. The first being the fear of physical death and the last being the fear of ego death or social death. The majority of the fears I see manifest as kinks can be housed under the latter category but I can immediately think of examples for all 5. I also think it’s interesting that kinks manifest in the same way that fears do, ranging in the exact same way from physical kinks into social kinks. Let’s get into it!
How the fear of extinction manifests in BDSM sessions would be, primarily, in physical experiences such as bondage and breath play. I often tell people who are new to bondage that about 1 in 10 people (including those who fantasize heavily about it) will have a panic attack during bondage. It’s not a logical thing, it’s your body going into fight or flight and it becomes evident fairly quickly if you’re one of those people. If you’ve been tied up before and enjoyed it, it’s very important for me to know.
That’s why folks being tied up or put in some other form of bondage for the first time usually need an explanation of what’s happening and shown how quickly they can be released. It helps assuage the fear and helps build trust but, ultimately, those people generally don’t bother with bondage in sessions because the level of panic is just unenjoyable.
I’ve had so many folks try to rush me through this cursory warning and my slow approach with newbies only to discover - surprise! You’re one of those people! You’re starting to panic! This is why it’s great to see a professional for these types of things. It only takes a few extra minutes and can make the difference between tapping out and potentially derailing a session or simply being uncomfortable for a few minutes and calmly finding a new boundary.
Breath play, trampling and pain play are other examples. In fact, smothering (a form of breath play) is so viscerally panic inducing that it often takes years of practice to get to the point where the pleasure outweighs the fear. It’s such a visually appealing kink that is very scary to actually experience. Not having control of your own breath is… so scawy.
Another way that I see the fear of extinction tangentially manifest in my work is that a lot of older folks come to see me as a bucket list experience. People from older generations suffered through such horseshit, repressive social expectations and only when faced with their own mortality are they able to shed some of the entirely senseless shame and finally fulfill some of their lifelong fantasies. I love those people and it’s very cool to chat with folks at that stage of their life who are dealing with very real existential issues that we’ll all have to face at some point.
A side note about breath play and vac beds, in particular: There are real dangers involved in these forms of play and they should never be done alone. Google that shit at your own risk.
There’s a reason you see a glaring lack of needles in my work - I have a huge fear of needles, broken bones or anything else that involves things that are outside of the body being inside and vice versa. I mean this in the non butthole / vaginal way. For me, this manifests as any type of breaking the skin.
The most penetrative kink I perform in sessions is urethral sounding and that is edge play for me. I get a little woozy high from it (while still being safe) and that is the last stop on the train for me, I can’t go further than that. Sounding doesn’t even break the skin either! It wobbles my brain just enough for me to enjoy it and, of course, there’s the incentive for me to see the look on the guy’s face who I’m cock fucking :)
Also, I’ve never watched a UFC fight for fear of seeing a broken bone or dislocated limb and I literally cover my eyes when there is gore of any kind on shows or movies that I’m watching. An exception for me would be Mistress Jill on Twitter who performs these absolutely beautiful, medical play, genital torture scenes. Here’s some pictures of her using my ball crusher on Twitter. Looking through her pictures gives me that same feeling you get when you look over the edge of a building and your knees get a weird feeling in them, but, they are so artfully executed that I can manage to actually look at them and enjoy them.
Other examples in kink include, use of speculums, spanking, knife play, amputee fetish, body mods, feeder / feedee, inflation, nipple torture, catheter play, castration fantasies, chastity, figging and most other types of pain play. The dirty talk that accompanies these types of play usually involves some version of I’m going to do so much ______ to you that your ______ will never work again / be sore for days / be stretched for days / useless, etc.
A side note about my affinity for ballbusting: I think the reason I love ballbusting so much is because it plays on my mutilation fear but is non penetrative, in the skin-breaking sense. Therefore, it hits just the right amount of fear / edge play for me while still remaining safe. It’s the right amount of ‘turn the lights off at the bottom of the stairs and run up in the dark’ adrenaline for me.
What is that last sentence doing? Trying to turn me on? I jest, sort of. My mommy roleplay revolves heavily around playing with the loss of autonomy. People who enjoy my version of that kink are familiar with my methodical process of taking away their opinions, thoughts and attempts at autonomy in place of Mommy’s superior ideas and decisions. Obviously it is just erotic play so it is safe, but, it’s certainly playing in this fear category.
This would include many forms of slave play, like sex slavery, toilet slavery, domestic servitude, as well as hypnosis, chastity, cuckoldry and blackmail.
The physical manifestation would, obviously, be all forms of bondage. I would say the primary reason that people love bondage is because it effectively strips the person of decision making. You don’t have to participate in any body language, physical social cues or reactions if you’re completely bound. If you’re wearing a hood, you don’t even have to think about your facial expressions and if you’re wearing a gag, you don’t even have to form sentences.
Folks who like extreme bondage are often people who feel very responsible and overwhelmed in life. I wrote a whole blog post about objectification and dehumanization kinks here and how it’s an entirely common (and healthy) coping mechanism for people who feel overly accountable in their lives. I’ve had lots of people reach out and say that that blog post made them tear up because I had accurately articulated their experience, not to toot my horn, but, TOOT TOOT.
Ah, here we are at the BDSM section.
The fear of rejection is basically a part of all kinks (oftentimes, a part of all of sexuality) and it definitely encompasses all humiliation based kinks. This is a lot of fucking kinks. Examples include some manifestations of: Bimbification, sissification, cuckoldry, ABDL play, slut training, wedgie fetish, slavedom, CNC and probably sexual submission itself.
In a way, the terms ‘consent’ and ‘boundaries’ are a polite and sterile way to talk about rejection and acceptance. I recently had a revelation about what my ideal submissive is and it’s not what you’d think. I talk about it in depth in this episode of The Trust & Thrust podcast called “The Perfect Submissive”. In it, I basically say that my ideal submissive is a person who finds acceptance in rejection, another way of saying, a person who is independent and confident in themselves.
Acceptance through rejection roleplay is utterly intoxicating because we are walking through (and surviving!) the debilitating fear of social isolation.
Plus, to consensually engage with someone sexually, despite all sense and logic, is often viscerally validating on a cellular level. It is saying to that person that they are so acceptable that their genes are worth passing on. I accept you so much that I want more of you in the world. This is, of course, despite the fact that in kink, we are rarely doing things that might result in procreation. I believe that our lizard brains don’t care and they go right ahead and receive the same level of acceptance that a vanilla sex act might elicit.
This is an intoxicating offer and it’s the bread and butter of sex work. Acceptance and rejection is the binary language and the translation back and forth between fantasy and reality is the code that we are writing, it’s the bulk of the work. For this reason, a responsible Dominatrix might just be the most ethical version of a drug dealer that exists.
This transcends the scenes themselves and manifests in many ways outside of the session. Sex work is often 10% the requested act and 90% expectation and boundary management outside of the scene. The hit of acceptance given in a sexual exchange, whether it’s within BDSM or not, is intoxicating.
The person giving this acceptance bears quite the load. They must take care of the person receiving the ‘high’ as well as their own mental and physical wellbeing. Sex workers can be awesome people who provide a really important service and it sucks that we’re so often demonized. We are often left providing acceptance to others in secret while we are routinely rejected in the larger society. Tis rife with hypocrisy and quite the mindfuck.
Anyways, I digress.
I often view my role within the binary of rejection and acceptance as simply The Witness. Often times I’m not doing much, I’m merely witnessing. I’m watching someone play in social rejection by stepping into something vulnerable, embarrassing or humiliating. It’s like a kinky version of the observer effect. The act of watching changes from something passive into something active that changes the subject that is being observed.
Like watching someone float into space, only to snap them back to safety at the last minute. In kink, this manifests in dehumanization fantasies where social rejection is fetishized and, sometimes, used as an inoculation against the real thing. When you hear people talk about their BDSM experiences in a euphoric, almost spiritual way, this is usually what they’re referring to. Again, I describe the function of these often shameful fantasies in a blog post called “Sexual Objectification and Dehumanization Kinks.”
This leads us to the last category of fear.
I’m almost at a loss for words.
That last paragraph sums up precisely what we are doing in BDSM. Ego death is particularly present in the pursuit of sexual submission. Through experimenting with our own identities, we often find a fluidity and a surprising amount of dexterity. Once we realize that we have the capacity to transcend the confines of our egos, we become lucid and our pain and fear snaps into perspective. It’s like simply opening a door that you always assumed was locked and finding a whole new section to your own house.
In BDSM we get to role play as different people, we get to have a little break from our egos and the confines of our identities in safety. We often realize that we are far more vast in character than regular life allows and that mastery makes us feel at peace. We often gain a feeling of agency over our fears and it’s such a lovely experience that I’ve made it my whole job. It’s a complex conundrum, it’s counterintuitive while simultaneously being laughably obvious. For me, it really deals with the very essence of what it is to be human.
Bravery is not a lack of fear, it’s being afraid and doing it anyways. The only way out is through and I love being the hand that guides people through the dark. Good luck out there :)
My New Booking Process
My booking process is about to get a lot more stringent.
Read time: 13 minutes.
As of May of 2023, my booking process / new client intake is getting WAY harder.
This post was originally titled “The Time Wasters Club” because the trusty time wasters are the ones who have informed my new, stringent-as-fuck booking process that I’m about to roll out.
So cheers to the time wasters! 🥂 See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!
Ultimately though, this is a post about expectation management and giving potential subbies the context behind my new, arduous application process. If you’re a well-intentioned, new (to all of this) person, I want to give you the lay of the land so that you understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.
I also want to put my social weight behind a potential, new template for the application process here in Pro-FemDom-Land. Years ago, I was one of the first providers to require deposits and it was a risk, but, ultimately became normalized and paid off. Now, I’m requiring an application fee to fill out my booking form and a two part test after that. Yup, I’ll lose business and inquiries and I’m perfectly fine with that.
Burn out is unbelievably high in this industry, in part, because of the energy draining habits I’m about to detail. I can’t change the world but I’d love to be a force of good, moving this industry slowly, but surely, towards a better model for Pro Dommes and subbies too.
So - as of May, 2023, all application requests will cost $10 - maybe more. They will only be available via an online shop here on my website. I will also have higher identification requirements and potential subbies must pass a two part test before being accepted. The first test being about me and, the second test being about them and their requests.
Truthfully, I’ve grown quite tired of pouring my heart into my work only to deal with folks who don’t know the first thing about me or what I offer. Major UPVOTE BECAUSE BUTT vibes. I can only tell people my name, my specialties, my rates and my hard limits so many times before I permanently facepalm and head for the proverbial, digital hills.
Years ago, a fellow Domme gave me some great advice - don’t use your platforms to complain, it’s a bad look and attracts the wrong people. I’ve taken that advice to heart and most of my content is directed to my future, ideal submissives. It’s an effective use of positive reinforcement but don’t get it twisted - there’s a ton of bullshit that I (and every other business owner) deals with on a regular basis. I try very hard to deprive bad behaviour of attention and energy but, hey! The time for caterwauling has come! The airing of grievances is upon us! Here’s all the ways people waste my time and why I have to be hyper protective of my attention starting yesterday.
TIRE KICKERS & Chatty Kathys
I’d say this is the most common form of time wasting that I experience, particularly, from new-to-me subbies. As you may know, every email thread has a lovely little counter beside it, as evidenced by the picture below.
This indicates how many emails we’ve exchanged in that thread. If you talk to me more that I talk to my own friends, we’re going to have a problem. You can see that the above person corresponded with me about 120 times in the span of 3 months. That person would see me for in-person sessions once a month, at most.
So yeah, that’s about 108 emails too many.
The above example is actually a person I really like. I used them as an example because this is genuinely a habit that well intentioned people can easily slip into, but, it is time wasting nonetheless. If my lack of response, short response or very long response time doesn’t get the point across, then I’ll politely remind you that paid correspondence is available on my OnlyFans for $5/message. It is interesting how once you add a monetary amount to the transaction, folks get real concise, real quick.
Another, painful, yet informative, experience I’ve had a few times has involved me getting dumped by subbies for enforcing my boundaries around excessive communication. When we talk about boundaries in BDSM, most people think of kinky acts like ‘fluid exchange’ or ‘pain play’ but I’m always over here reminding everyone that boundaries range far and wide. Things like how often you play, how you prefer to communicate outside of the scene, levels of dress/undress and other logistical preferences are also boundaries that need to be negotiated.
Truthfully, as an introvert, sometimes I feel like I’m constantly defending my alone time in both my professional and personal life. For work, I try to clearly communicate what I am able (and unable) to provide outside of sessions, for free. For example, my closest subby in 2020 was someone who had seen me for years but had fallen into an almost daily habit of emailing me. I started feeling overwhelmed so I crafted a kind, articulate voice note about my feeling of burn out from the excessive communication and I reiterated that my preferred method of communication was, and has always been, in person interaction. That usually fills me up, whereas emails and texts drain me, I experience them as logistical tools not emotional outlets.
I never heard from him again. Yup, nothing yet, almost 3 years later. This indicates to me that that person is, and only ever was, interested in a relationship if they could also get a free, emotional outlet on the side, for no extra charge. So, as painful as that was (and still kind of is) it is a great example of what I’m dealing with on my end. Establishing and maintaining boundaries isn’t just a good habit, it’s the only way I can continue to be a good Domme. Ultimately, I remind myself that a person who feels entitled to my attention, doesn’t respect my boundaries and doesn’t extend gratitude for what I do offer is simply not a person I can have in my life, in any capacity.
NO FOLLOW THROUGH
As detailed above, folks love to chat - for free. They like to ask for my availability, ask if I’m around, ask how I’m doing, ask about clips, ask what city I am in, tell me how they feel, what they think, what they’ve done, what they’d like to do - some even book session time only to reschedule multiple times or ghost upon my follow ups. I used to try to have patience for this behaviour but, as Danny Glover once said - I’m too old for this shit.
There’s also a gaggle of gentleman who just fill out the booking request forms of Dommes as a masturbatory aide. Before I created my new vetting process, I used to sort through and archive hundreds of these per year. I stopped giving those folks any further booking info or attention because it would continuously result in no response from them, followed by a fresh request the next week or month or year.
It’s behaviour like this that has prompted my new, stringent application process. One of the vetting questions I included in the beta version of this new application form was a multiple choice question that asked “Why are you filling out this form?” I thought this was a pretty straight forward question considering that the page has the words “Booking Application Form” in bold letters mere inches above this question. I was shocked that many people selected the answer below. That’s right, people were openly and with zero shame telling me that they were actively wasting my time.
Now, I’ve perused the booking forms of other Dommes, the websites of other services, perhaps filled an online shopping cart or two only to abandon mid-way. Whatever, no big deal, no harm, no foul. What I don’t fucking do is have a sense of entitlement to a stranger’s time and attention just because they made me feel a certain way. What I’m saying is, I might fill out the form but I don’t press send unless I’m serious about getting in touch - obviously.
Please, for god’s sake, glean as much as you can from my site - Dommes and subs alike! Listen to my podcasts, watch my YouTube, learn from my blog and gain whatever you can for free! Look at my free clip previews and wank away! But why - WHY? - would anyone feel comfortable enough to press send at the end of filling out that form when they know, and are explicitly saying, that they are not interested in my services?
Please note: I actually offer paid online chatting and paid consultations, in addition to tons of free education, podcasts and clips! It’s to the point now where I simply can’t offer a free application process because there will always be a group of men who flood it with their inane thoughts and ruin it for everyone.
NO SHOWS / FLAKES
Heathens! Such an egregious violation of respect that it is completely unforgivable and almost too obvious to mention. I’ve been stood up by submissives just like every other provider. It used to upset me but now - I love it. One less person to ever fuck with again. I simply add them to my luxuriously long list of blocked people and occasionally watch them beg for forgiveness in my spam folder. They always come crawling back and I never do. Done and DONE. The trash just took itself out.
MISTRESS BASTIENNE “GOOGLE” CROSS
Do I give you big algorithm vibes? Do I look like rows and rows of supercomputers stored in a basement in Silicon Valley? Do I resemble a website with a bunch of blurbs and a series of different coloured O’s at the bottom? Do I have a blank space with a little magnifying glass next to it on my forehead or something? No. That’s Google, not me. People actually confuse me for Google quite often, I guess we look related but - we’re not. The main way to tell us apart is that I’m a person and Google is a website.
With the existence of search engines and freely available maps, directions and GPS - I can confidently say - there is now such a thing as a stupid question. Before asking me something like - What is trampling? How do I get from X to Z? What does BDSM stand for? Where is Etobicoke? First, always think about whether it is something that can be easily looked up online, on my website or perhaps, even, in the previous email I sent you.
SKIMMERS
Trust me when I tell you that I am a GIANT nerd. I carefully craft my responses and instructions to include all pertinent information in a valiant effort to save myself time and extraneous communication. Shout out to “The Four Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferriss.
I try to limit my email time to just an hour in the morning, so, if I read a question from you and my eyes can literally move 2 inches up the screen and find the answer in my previous response, I’ll likely just leave you in solitude confinement (aka on read) or maybe I’ll even block you.
Maybe I’m just an idealist, but, in a perfect world, talking to you wouldn’t feel like talking to a brick wall.
There are a lot of people who skim and assume that all Dommes are the same or that all arrival or booking processes are the same. They are not and, sadly, it’s not even some great mystery as to what I’m looking for. My instructions are explicit, concise and are often in capitalized, bold letters in a neat, prioritized numbered list. I might even turn text into different colours if I’m feel frisky.
Ultimately, it’s painfully obvious if you haven’t read my instructions and I’m spoiled by too many awesome regulars to bother with anything less than conscientious at this point. I have to get to know each and every person I work with and you have to do the same with Dommes - obviously.
We’re all different and you really show your true colours if you do things like ask for “strict, traditional style femdom” from me, the lady whose tagline is “Toronto’s Playful Dominatrix”. Or if you repeatedly call every Domme “Mistress” despite us all having different names and titles. The assumption that you can choose our outfits and that we’re all excited to slip into some, black, latex catsuit for you simply shows me the parallel that you’ve subconsciously created between patronizing Pro Dommes and collecting Pokemon. Open your damn eyes, stop generalizing and read the instructions and websites that are being sent directly to you.
INFO DUMPING
Using my booking form or email address as a dumping ground is a great reason for me to block you. I’ve had so many people send 4, 5, 6, even 7 paragraphs detailing their kinks, desires, experiences and fantasies only to have them never actually follow through on booking. People are out here desperate to talk to someone about their sexuality for free.
It’s obviously not cool to dump a novel on a stranger about what makes your dick twitch so I’ve simply taken the option away. Whether it be in my booking forms or by email. If I’m the only person you want to chat with about your thoughts, hit me up on OnlyFans, but, if you insist on talking to someone about your sexuality for free, do what the rest of us do and go make a friend, bud.
Whiskey Dick Lingerers
Part of the reason that I love BDSM and my role within it is that it offers an entirely different approach to sexuality than any of my experiences in vanilla sex. Orgasms and nudity are often auxiliary activities in BDSM, taking a backseat to the intricacies of power exchange. I explicitly state in my prep information that we can just ignore your dick, yet there are always men who try to make the focal point of the scene all about their (often non functioning, soft) dick and hypothetical orgasm. Hey, if anyone can squeeze a consensual orgasm into any activity - have at it! But, it certainly doesn’t have to be the focus - particularly in kink and BDSM and particularly if this extends outside of your session time.
The number of men who I’ve watched sadly pulling on their soft weiners in a mad dash to orgasm within the last few minutes of the scene is just comical. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times - I don’t care about your dick or your orgasms, that’s a you problem. I didn’t care at the beginning of the scene, I certainly don’t care 90 minutes later when your time is quickly nearing it’s end and you start acting like a bratty kid who wants to stay up and watch TV for ‘just 5 more minutes.’
As a matter of fact, maybe you’ve paid enough attention to that part of your anatomy to last everyone a lifetime. Why not try being present, attentive and maybe learn something new? For god’s sake, leave that little guy alone for a minute, he’s been soft the whole time anyways and seems just as annoyed with you as I am.
Not to generalize - but I’m gonna - I’ve never experienced this from a female subby. What’s she going to do? Stand there slappin’ her clam vigorously and aggressively while reluctantly being corralled into the shower? I think not.
And people still wonder why I love ballbusting so much?
The World’s Longest Showers
I’ve recently amended how I plan my sessions to include a customized amount of time for pre and after care that is determined by the submissive prior to playing. This is to account for folks who like to chill, chat, shower and rehydrate before and / or after a scene. Most people prefer, some might even say need, this time to get into the headspace before playing or to come down comfortably from subspace after a scene.
As much as I want to accommodate and make sure everyone is glowing and happy and feeling great before and after their sessions, time management is a thing and a huge percentage of people tend to underestimate the time they need for aftercare. Lots of folks subconsciously don’t view pre and aftercare as part of play yet - it is.
BDSM is all about headspace and although there are rare examples of people who need little to no care outside of playing, the vast majority of people do. Most people need to feel comfortable and safe, they need a bit of connection with their Domme. They need a good conversational rapport, an established, open line of communication, the feeling of being heard and respected, you know, all that good, human-y stuff. If you’re nervous beforehand or groggy and feel weird after play and want to hang out with me to calm down - THAT’S PRE AND AFTERCARE!
It’s all very normal and I love offering it, but, it’s part of play. I actually try to offer as much of this information for free, here on my blog, or for a nominal fee on my podcast. This is where you can get to know me and create a sense of trust for who I am, what I offer and what I like, prior to play. It’s quite effective. If that doesn’t work for you and you’d prefer to talk in person then that’s your choice, but, my undivided time and attention is not free.
I, of course, shepherd and shoo-shoo people around as much as humanly possible but I can only do so much to politely get people out on time. Some folks decide to turn their last 10 minutes into a half hour shower, some like to feign a level of sub-high that “forces” them to sit, regain composure and drink water for an extra 10 minutes while I awkwardly loom over them. Others enjoy prolonging the conversation over and over while I hold the door open, waiting for them to get the very, not-so-subtle hint.
For this and other reasons, I’ve become more and more protective of my time and energy. There are a handful of folks who I trust implicitly and will happily hang out with outside of the session but, if we’ve never met, you’re not one of them. Those folks have spent the time to establish trust and a rapport with me, they are always aware of the time and ask if I’m okay to chat for a few minutes, they ask if it’s okay to text or email me, they offer to pay for my time and thank me when I spend extra energy on them for free instead of feeling entitled to it.
HONOURABLE MENTION: URGENT KINK!
“Hello??? Mistress??? Did you get my email?” I don’t know, dude. Are you stuck at the bottom of a well and I’m the only person you can email about it? What’s up with the panic? Also, I read ALL of my emails. If you don’t hear from me it’s either intentional or because I haven’t gotten to you yet. Prompting me with multiple messages is incredibly annoying and inefficient. This isn’t so much wasting my time as it is wasting yours. Go grab some CBD or chamomile tea or something. Calm the hell down, take a damn hint and while you’re at it - find a different Domme.
Me, scheduling you.
This sentiment can be extended to the large community of people who, apparently, live in utter chaos. If you urgently need your bumhole fingered and couldn’t possibly submit to a vetting process, wait for responses or book ahead of time, then do all of us a favour and never contact me. I prefer to book a freaking MONTH ahead of time. I might as well be a damn administrative sloth as far as you’re concerned. I’m a grown up, with a schedule that I love dearly. I wake up every morning and I kiss my scheduling app on the forehead and I whisper I love you so much - *sloppy kissy noises*. So please, take your chaotic, hyperventilating, manic energy and go play, in a big rush, with someone else.
So that’s it! Enough context to last a lifetime! I appreciate you reading this and I hope this provides the background information that you need in order to understand why I’m getting so picky with who I take on as new clients these days.
The Trust & Thrust Podcast
I recently took a break from my FemDom podcast “The Trust & Thrust Podcast”. Let me tell you about the best episodes from the archive of over 100 posts.
Read time: 10 minutes.
“Having a solo podcast is like having an OnlyFans for your heart.” That’s how comedian Annie Lederman described her old, solo podcast, Meanspiration, and I couldn’t agree with her more. For that, and other reasons, I just ended The Trust & Thrust Podcast at 122 episodes. Although, the decision has made me sad in a weirdly romantic way, I’m also really proud of the archive I’ve created and I think I stopped at the perfect time.
So, without being pejorative, I want to explain why I started my podcast in September of 2020. Let’s start with some phrases you might be familiar with: “It depends on the person” + “BDSM is all about communication” + “Kink is about consent” + “Boundaries and negotiation are key”. These are phrases that we hear bazillions of times in BDSM and they are not wrong, they are just… very vague.
The truth is, BDSM is emotionally messy from all angles. It’s a study in identity and that is fertile ground for lots and lots of weird feelings, not just the desired feelings of dominance and submission. I’ve heard pro BDSM referred to as ‘black market therapy’ and for good reason. As the facilitator, there’s a lot to learn and when I went searching for content about all this nitty-gritty, ooey-gooey behind the scenes weirdness, I simply couldn’t find what I was looking for. Not within the professional side of things, at least.
I was craving something candid, unsanitized and granular. Something without the caveats and qualifiers and generalizations. I wanted to hear more specific opinions and experiences with less generalizations. I felt like most content was more of a sales pitch intended for potential submissives whereas I wanted to hear more about the real world experience and struggles of someone who works as a Pro Domme, like myself.
Most approaches are born from a myriad of missteps, sleepless nights, hurt feelings and failed relationships so, where are those stories? I wanted to hear other Dommes talk about burn out, feeling insecure, being rejected by subs, making money, and the lack thereof. I wanted to hear the conversations I was having privately, talked about openly. There were so many subjects that felt taboo like service topping, gatekeeping, plagiarism and experiencing imposter syndrome - but so little content.
None of this is to say that there aren’t other Pro Dommes creating insightful content, there certainly is! I just found myself craving something very specific, until I finally realized I felt compelled to add my, specific perspective to the communal story of FemDom.
So, you get the point, I couldn’t find it so I started making it. That’s the main intention behind The Trust and Thrust podcast. Also, there was always a low-key part of me that hoped other Dommes would listen. My subscribers were almost entirely prospective or current subbies but that little wish persisted.
Also, after a little introspecting and a chat with a friend, I realized that a substantial slice of me was subconsciously making this podcast for my former self, Baby Domme Bastienne circa 2015. I wanted to reach back and tell myself about everything I’d learned - all the mistakes, the pitfalls, the revelations, the hard times, where to push through and where to lean in, the good, the bad and the fugly. I wanted to make a realistic and usable roadmap for my former self, and everyone else, to hopefully help navigate through some of the tougher bits.
Yep, cathartic and cute as hell.
So, that’s the origin story, now let’s get to the content! You can subscribe to my podcast on substack for $7/month. That is the only place where the full archive exists. You can also find the free, sampler mini-sodes on Amazon Music, Spotify, YouTube and iHeartRadio. So as a nerd, I’ve gone ahead and organized my favourite posts into a few categories below so please enjoy!
Listener Favourites
These are the episodes that I hear the most about in-person. As someone who loves having epiphanies, I quite enjoy gifting them as well. The problem is, communicating a concept in a way that ‘clicks’ with others is a whole process in and of itself. I’ve had so many experiences where I’ve reiterated the same point over and over for years to minimal avail.
I often feel compelled to experiment with slightly different articulations of the same point until I start eliciting an - AHA! - moment. Sometimes I strike gold with an idea or analogy that seems to hit home with multiple people. It’s my favourite feedback and eliciting revelations from other is an addictive pursuit. So here’s the episodes and the underlying ideas that seemed to stick out to listeners the most.
I’ve said a version of “give up control” or “let me lead” or some other, polite variant of “don’t tell me what to do” a million times but in this post about expectations, I discovered a more direct way of phrasing the same idea that really seemed to hit home with listeners. The concept is simple: Don’t use ‘you can do _____’ phrasing with me, instead, use ‘I would like _____’ phrasing. This is more direct and a lot less power bottom-y.
The next listener favourite is a somewhat salty episode called “Filming Clips". A lot of people who submit to me also watch FemDom clips. That fandom often translates into an excitement and overconfidence that I have to gently (or not so gently) quell. People who appear in clips will often conflate their guest appearance with the role of director, cinemetographer, costume designer, lighting director or some combination of the above.
I’ve learned to accept this behaviour as excitement and perhaps a parasocial relationship with the theatre of FemDom clips but ultimately, it’s annoying as hell and one of my least favourite parts of this job. Whenever I start receiving advice and ‘talking shop’ with a person who has never done my job or any reasonable facsimile of it, my vagina starts drying up and sewing itself shut.
In this episode, I talked all about that as politely as I could manage and, after I posted it, I spent a week fielding apology after apology from subbies who realized the error in their ways after listening to this episode. All apologies were happily accepted and everyone went about their merry way afterwards.
Another popular episode was one called “BDSM Love Story". It’s an episode about how I met the love of my life in a ballbusting session. I get all verklempt in it and I was genuinely surprised by the popularity of this one. The feedback was oddly wholesome.
Another revelation inducing episode was “Trampling & Time Theft”. In the recommendation segment, I give advice to those people who are struggling with the actual practice of giving up control in a real session. The concept of submission is deceptively simple. The experience is subjective, complex and often ephemeral so I like sharing as much as I can about the process of turning theory into practice.
The below screen grab is just another way of simplifying the complex idea of ‘submission’. By gamifying the process and thinking of it as a tally board of yes’s and no’s, it helped some people feel less overwhelmed about what their quantifiable goals in session were.
Excerpt from the episode titled “Trampling & Time Theft”.
Another subject that elicited quite a bit of feedback was an episode all about erectile dysfunction and how you can use it to your advantage in kink. Taking things that are shameful and making them sexy is precisely what BDSM is all about so, in this episode, I walk everyone through the very real example of using ED to elevate your sexy times. The episode is very cheekily called “I put the FUN in erectile dysFUNction!”
And last but not least, I’ve saved the most favouritists of favourites for last! An episode called “The Gayest Fetishes of All” that undoubtedly received the most positive feedback of any episode. In it, I suggest that there is actually a distinction between a homoerotic fetish and actually being gay. There’s many examples of this phenomenon throughout FemDom, check out the full episode to hear all the gay details.
Heart Racers
You know that feeling when you walk into a store and there are a few cash registers open but everyone is standing in one line waiting for just one cashier? You look at the other two, open cashiers and blink a few times to make sure you’re seeing things correctly. You join the long line and wonder how no one else is noticing the other, open lines.
You wait a minute before sheepishly moving towards one of the open cash registers, looking back at the long line to see if anyone notices what you’re doing. As you’re imagining some confrontation in your head, you look up and realize that you were just in the line for customer service. It’s a line of people waiting to get refunds or exchanges.
That is the very familiar and necessary feeling of conformity. As social beings, stepping outside of it, will always be a little scary - and for good reason. Few people want to be wrong, look stupid or want to provoke a confrontation but, sometimes, non-conformity is needed and sometimes it’s as simple as stating the most obvious thing. That’s what this “heart racers” section is all about. These are subjects that made me feel like I was stepping out of line and made my heart beat a bit (or a lot) faster when posting.
There’s lots of positioning and hierarchy management that happens in BDSM. Titles, education, experience, social media stats, membership to / participation in communities are all ways that people position themselves over (and under) others. Once I earned a few of my own stripes, I became disillusioned by the whole thing and made this post: “What is Lifestyle FemDom? and why it (almost) doesn't fuckin' matter ;)”
Another salacious subject: Plaigarism in professional BDSM, which I’ve also posted about here on my blog. How about talking about burn out? That’s a scary one. Or how about talking about getting ::clutches pearls:: OLD?
The subject of getting old in BDSM is a spicy one.
Money has to be one of my favourite (scary) subjects to talk about. I’ll never forget a tweet I saw when I first joined Twitter, years ago. I’ve since tried to find it again but couldn’t so I’ll paraphrase. It was from a Pro Domme and she said something to the effect of: “All the Pro Dommes are out here pretending to be rich and all the rich subs are pretending to be poor.” If it was appropriate to put 75 cry laughing emojis in a blog post, I would, right here.
Anyhoo, here’s my episode about why professional domination costs so much and another one called “Let’s Talk About Money, Honey!” where I talk about the disconcerting overlap between FemDom and financial domination and my decision to add FinDom to my list of hard limits.
Last but not least is a post called, “Escape From the Man Haters Club” where I talk about how FemDom actually cured my prejudice against men. Tis a strange and totally unexpected result of this job that flies in the face of the stereotypical narrative where misandry, female supremacy and women radicalized against men is either the foundation or the goal. I had never heard this perspective before so I decided to make an episode about it.
Inside Baseball
Most people have some level of curiosity about what happens in kink. It seems to be ubiquitously freakish and novel to outsiders. Whether they are bewildered by pain play or perplexed by what motivates a person to pursue certain, seemingly strange activities, almost everyone has some, passing interest in BDSM. Simultaneously, most people are comfortable leaving the majority of those questions unanswered, viewing the whole thing from afar as a kind of, mildly interesting, anomaly.
NOT ME. I prefer to nerd out with my bird out.
I have been utterly transfixed on the mechanisms that animate sexuality ever since I can remember. I have a deep, persisting (slightly annoying) love of figuring things out, particularly concerns of motivation, psychology, intention, behaviour and anything relational.
After almost a decade of deciphering, I’ve created a collection of posts for other kink nerds who are trying to figure themselves, and others, out. Here’s some of the posts that give a glimpse behind the curtain, into what I’ve discovered about the professional BDSM industry.
“A Funhouse Called Control” outlines the ‘real’ motivation of those who are seeking submission and how I work with all kinds of different people to get it from them consensually. “Behind the Curtain” is - you guessed it! - a peak behind the curtain, an opus of sorts, of everything I’ve learned about the actual mechanisms of professional BDSM, beyond the imagery and fantasy.
Next up: A salty rant about the fetishization of female dominance. “Yes, Mistress!” - “Your wish is my command!” - “I worship you, Goddess!” and other generic, vapid, actionless things that people say to me. The intent is good - I guess? Being worshipped is supposedly the best thing in the world, according to those people but did you know it actually kind of sucks? Yeah. The whole thing can be dehumanizing, objectifying and often teeming with power bottom-y communication. It feels like someone ordering for you at a restaurant and insisting, “oh, you’re going to love it!” It’s like - Am I though?
Although my tagline is publicly ‘Toronto’s Playful Dominatrix’, anyone who knows me, knows that my real, low-key tagline is “FemDom for People Who Hate FemDom” and this episode is a perfect, spicy rant all about feeling diminished and powerless by supposed worship.
“I Keep The Wolf From The Door” is an episode where I detail getting manipulated by a submissive when I was less experienced. I wanted to talk about this because it’s a situation that counters the narrative that Dommes should always be in control. We get deceived and, sometimes, even abused too and it’s important to talk about.
“How I Plan a Session” is just a great insight into how I actually curate sessions. I know there’s a lot of mystery surrounding the process but mine is fairly straightforward. In the episode I walk you through what I plan, how I do that and what I choose to improvise.
“The Shame of Being a Domme” is an important one to me because sometimes I feel like everyone talks about the shame associated with sexual submission but what about all the shameful parts of being a Domme? In this industry, people blow a lot of smoke up your ass but, I think, it’s important to not get (too) high on your own supply. I talk about the pitfalls of roleplaying as a narcissist, the silliness of wearing costumes as an adult, the nausea of incessant self promotion and the ickiness of having a phone full of pictures of… yourself.
The episode titled “Bum Sniffing & Blame” includes a couple of gems. In it, I talk about how the end of (almost) every professional relationship I have, inevitably, ends with me being dumped. I talk about grieving for lost subbies while also being happy for them and practicing non-attachment. I also talk about the blame game that often happens after sessions and my constant struggle with educating, particularly inexperienced kinksters, about the difference between a hard limit, a feeling, your problem, my problem, an incompatibility or an opportunity. A big part of my job is teaching people to control themselves above all else and it’s quite the task.
Under The Hood
This section is for submissives who would like a little, extra insight. I love the post called “Next Level Submission” because it totally deconstructs this very common goal. In it I talk about the subjectivity and vagueness of that objective and how easily it can be packaged and sold as snake oil if you’re not paying attention.
“Practice Makes Pervert” is an episode all about the very popular and pervasive fantasy of training in BDSM. Many folks, subconsciously, enjoy the idea of a power dynamic where they are the student and a more experienced teacher molds them into some sort of kinky toy. Most training, in reality, is roleplay. Few folks are actually interested in investing the time and effort into practice outside of sexy times. Tis all good but nice for us nerds to know to avoid frustration and misunderstandings.
I can’t even tell you how many people apologize to me about their bodies. I’ve heard it all from every type of person. It got to the point where it actually started to help me with my own body image because I realized that everyone, and I mean everyone, has some issues with their body. Knowing that it’s normal and part of owning a body is kind of a relief. Listen to the full episode called “Body Scrimmage” here.
There was a period right after the initial lockdowns, sometime in 2021 where I noticed that I was dealing with a massive influx of folks with, what seemed like, ADHD of the dick. BDSM, and sexuality in general, requires a bit of patience and attention to detail if you want to get good at it. In “Cocks with ADHD” I talk about dealing with this frustrating phenomenon.
Before I wrap this post up, I’d like to give an honourable mention to the episodes I’ve done with Aspasia The Great, all of which you can find here. They are among the most listened to podcasts and for good reason. Besides working together, Aspasia and I approach BDSM and kink in similar ways and it’s great to sit down and chat with someone who knows my job inside and out and has at least 10 years of experience on me. Go subscribe to her podcast on substack as well - AspasiaTheGreat.substack.com :)
I’d also like to make a side note here that I hadn’t found the content of Morgan Thorne prior to starting The Trust & Thrust Podcast. If I had, I’m not sure I’d be as motivated to create this content. Tis a moot point now but if you like the subjects I cover, you’ll likely enjoy Morgan Thorne as well. She covers subjects from a more technical perspective and has a medical background and tons of experience. Her YouTube channel is an awesome resource.
So, like I said at the beginning of this post, it was never my intention to keep going forever with my podcast. It was always to express those granular, specific and personal viewpoints that I felt weren’t being talked about. The ending quietly snuck up on me and I was searching for content ideas and getting more and more vague by the end of 2022. I realized that all the nitty-gritty subjects were basically covered and I had slipped into repeating those generic phrases that used to frustrate me before. “It depends on the person” - “it’s all about communication” - all the usuals.
Again, it’s not that those sentiments are wrong, they are just vague and once I found myself in that cycle, I knew it was time to wrap things up. My last episode was posted on February 22nd and although it was an oddly emotional goodbye, I’m also really proud of the archive I’ve created. I genuinely hope that you subscribe and find something useful from all my ponderings.
Thanks for reading!
Sexual Objectification & Dehumanization Kinks
Sexual objectification and dehumanization are common mechanisms of power exchange that are often misunderstood.
Read time: 6 minutes.
Being a person is tough. You know what isn’t tough? Being a cum dumpster! WHOOP WHOOP! YAY! *cue confetti and party horns!*
Seriously though, dehumanization and objectification are low-key, very popular kinks. They are themes found in the most common, sexual fantasies so why are these terms experienced as negative, confusing and shameful? Let me share what I know about these (potentially) very liberating kinks.
In simple terms, sexual objectification is a desire to be valued solely for sexual purposes and sexual dehumanization is the feeling of sexual gratification achieved by being diminished as a person. Sometimes they stand alone and sometimes they weave together.
Let’s start with the more common and, perhaps, more relatable of the two kinks - Objectification.
Imagine an attractive person (insert whatever genital configuration and physical characteristics you like here). They are looking you up and down from across a crowded bar. They confidently sidle up to you and introduce themselves. They don’t ask your name or anything about you, they simply tell you that you’re absolutely gorgeous and they would love nothing more than to take you home and do anything and everything to your incredible body.
Now, like all fantasies, the one outlined above may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but, I think there’s a lot of people who would at least be aroused by the thought of this experience, if they were able to in a safe way.
This is classic sexual objectification and, like many kinks, it’s hiding in plain sight in vanilla-world. The desire to be viewed and used solely as a sexual object is an incredibly common inclination. The person at the bar has no way of knowing anything about you except how you look - and you like it. The rest of the world melts away and you are viewed as simply a source of pleasure, it might be a refreshing slice of escapism. They are offering you unadulterated sexual desire for your appearance and body alone and you are reciprocating. Nothing more, nothing less.
Another example: Posting a hot selfie on social media and getting positive, sexual feedback from strangers and enjoying that attention. Similar to the above example, these people may have no way of knowing anything about your personhood. They are attracted solely to your physicality. For some, this is unwanted attention and for others… It's a massive turn on.
Here’s a few more examples: Black men who are objectified for being dominant and well hung, MILF / step-mom fantasies where the step-son is sexually pursued for his youth and sexual stamina, blackmail kinks where someone must offer sexual favours to avoid a certain outcome, free-use fantasies Person A gives Person B, blanket, sexual consent to be used for sexual gratification whenever Person B wants. The list goes on and on, sexual objectification is a power dynamic that is present in a lot of sexual fantasies.
Now, if it’s so common, why does it sound pejorative? Well, when I googled “common sexual objectification fantasies”, the majority of results were articles about feminism and non-consensual, societal objectification. Even after I added the word “kink” to my query, the same results ranked highest.
Why? What is the difference between a negative version of sexual objectification and a positive one? Well, you may have heard this word a few bazillion times here in BDSM-land… you guessed it, consent. Once consent is given, it’s no longer necessarily a negative, traumatic experience, it has the potential to become a gratifying, validating escape from reality where we can play safely within the social structure without the same consequences. It is no longer non-consensual, it crosses over into fantasy and that’s a very important distinction.
This is what bothers me about my search results. I included the words ‘fantasy’ and even ‘kink’ and yet the majority of results are articles about the real world. No wonder people feel confused and shameful about their desires. We’re not talking about non-consensual objectification and dehumanization, we’re talking about the consensual, fantasy kind. The ones we all share, the ones that are simply a slice of reprieve from a tough world.
I think understanding the psychological mechanisms of these desires is really important. It helps take the shame and pearl-clutching confusion out of the acts and helps to reframe them entirely. We are all multi-faceted people who want to experience different things in life and that’s okay. Truthfully, the people who crave these dynamics the most are often the people who are most in control in the vanilla-world. It’s cathartic to shed the complexity of personhood and sink into a different, simpler form.
Cool, now that we have the basics down - let’s get darker. Rape fantasies are also a very common, sexual objectification kink. They are a more violent extension of the desire to be desired and to be viewed in a solely sexual manner. This could extend into another common fantasy theme - sex slavedom.
Now we’re starting to veer into dehumanization. Once the fantasy involves a violation of autonomy, personhood or consent, we’re dealing with not only an objectification of the person’s body but also a diminishing of their humanity. This might start to be more difficult to understand. This is where people start feeling weird about their fantasies.
So basic crash course: In my experience with kinks, the brain is essentially trying to trick itself, like in a dream. Like watching a movie and admiring it for its “realness”. It’s an oxymoron of sorts, a movie can’t be real, it’s inherently fake so why even have the desire for it to be real? I think it’s because we love stories. We love imagining and practicing things in our minds, experimenting and playing. It’s a huge part of how we exist safely in the world, being able to imagine different situations and deciding what to do (or not do) in the real world from there.
Fantasies in kink are the way we safely experiment within our social hierarchy. We have very few outlets that are immersive and safe that don’t negatively affect our lives. We can play video games, watch movies, read books, live vicariously through social media or porn but how do we actually feel a different social status? Particularly if we crave feeling one that is below our current status?
Most of the people I see professionally are very controlling. They are highly efficient in their real lives and (inversely) are generally pretty inexperienced with being submissive or passive. Basically a lot of the people I see are bad at being submissive - at least to start. When people come to me with fantasies of being my ‘slave’ of some sort or another, I don’t take that literally, I translate that for them. This person wants to feel relief from being a person for a little bit - and hey - throw in a trusty orgasm too, just for fun.
Now the darker fantasies often happen when this person's brain is working double time to trick them. They are often shocked by these desires but I’m not - anymore. You can’t keep watching the same movie over and over and expect to have the same feeling of surprise at the twist. Your brain will outmaneuver you, that’s it’s job. If your intellect knows what you’re doing when you post a sexy selfie, it will stop appealing to you. If you crave sexual slavedom but can’t indulge fully because (insert laundry list here) your brain will keep adding caveats and new requirements. It will circumvent the formula until it finds something exciting.
This is where fantasy (potentially) manifests into reality. So if your fantasies keep changing and getting more specific and extreme, I interpret this as a person who is not ready to give up control. This is an externalization of their lack of skills or desire to be a real world submissive. So instead of working on giving up actual control in simple, effective ways, those people will likely focus on the specific details of the scene / fantasy or the person implementing it. This is totally normal and actually very safe and these people will often stay in this solo version of the fantasy - the “masturbation” version.
When people see me, they are asking to experience some version of their fantasy in real life, they are asking to tip-toe from the incubator of masturbation into a real power exchange. This is where the rubber meets the road. It’s often like getting a cat into its carrier. Patience is definitely required for this part.
This person is essentially asking me (or their dominant) to see and experience them at their most vulnerable and to accept them and value them as an equal afterwards. It’s a really intimate and vulnerable thing and it is often disguised as a fantasy and I think that’s the real reason why people feel such shame in these desires. They are essentially asking for love.
Yup, you know the blog post is almost done when I get all sappy.
Oftentimes, in my experience, those who seek objectifying or dehumanizing fantasies such as slavedom, diaper wearing, cuckoldry, feminization and all the other fun things we do in kink, are just looking for someone to see them at their weakest. They simply want a witness to their humanity, warts and all. The same way we feel anxiety in a relationship when our partner sees us for the first time without makeup or the first time we cry in front of them or draw a boundary. It’s just vulnerability disguised as a fantasy and it’s often experienced by people who view themselves as being valued for their complexity in the real world. You’re allowed to want to be someone else for a few hours now and again, that’s what I do when I become Bastienne, just be safe about it.
Hope this helps :)
I’M ON ONLYFANS!
I’m on OnlyFans! Read about what I offer, how it works and why I joined.
Read time: 8 minutes.
Yep, I’m on freaking OnlyFans… Finally! After much shit-talking, poo-pooing, excuse making, vacillation and the like. Well, now I’m officially the last woman on earth to join OF and I’m (surprisingly) LOVING IT!
WHAT I’M OFFERING
Custom Clips
Not stupid, fetish-y ones though. I’m taking my picky, high standards and applying them to clip requests. Just like IRL, I gravitate to intelligent, respectful, fun people with interesting and exciting ideas, people who genuinely want to give me control and want me to be excited about what I’m doing.
For years, I avoided OnlyFans and sites like it because people who request custom clips are notorious for being control freaks with very specific requests, a penchant for ingratitude and little to no real social skills.
I realized I can simply say no to those folks and stay open to the people who want to actually collaborate with me. Let’s create a kinky, little fantasy world together!
Audio clips
So far, I’ve been shocked and delighted to have received almost exclusively audio requests! After years of honing my rambling skills on my podcasts, The Last Bastienne Podcast on YouTube and over 100 hours of audio on The Trust & Thrust Podcast, I’m LOVING the audio requests coming through on OnlyFans. I’ve answered questions about safety, given BDSM relationship advice, improvised some erotica and dished the details on real life experiences I’ve had. It’s very fun and I’m so excited to see what other ideas people have for me.
Nudes and more vanilla leaning stuff.
As an exhibitionist, I’ve found myself in a hilarious position in FemDom - no one wants to see my bits. The majority of people who are attracted to me aren’t interested in nudity, they are seeking power exchange. It’s oddly wholesome but I’m still over here trying to show people my pussy lips as they politely nod and sheepishly ask me to squish their nuts. It’s a funny conundrum to be in.
I should note, the people who do want to see my bathing suit areas are generally more vanilla leaning (aka not submissive) and tend to be incompatible with my vibe. Being directed is an immediate turn off for me, I always want to feel in control and that I’m working with people not for them. Offering more salacious, vanilla leaning content from a distance on a platform like OnlyFans is the perfect happy medium for me!
The criteria for who can enjoy my explicit pictures and videos online is much lower than doing the same in person. I started in this industry selling panties with videos of me playing in them so all of this is very familiar, fun and it’s a genuine kink of mine. Getting to scratch that itch without the vetting, vibe checks and compatibility-hoop-jumping of IRL interactions is easy and ….hot.
Cock Mockery
There is nothing funnier looking than a set of cock and balls - maybe that’s why I’m so inclined to slap them around! Every man seems to have an entirely juvenile fixation on their junk. Nothing thrills me more than providing the balancing force that these gentleman need - some good ol’ fashioned, mockery and humiliation. Mommy will take you down a notch and you’ll like it. Whether that be small penis humiliation or just general dismission, shaming and chiding, I’ve got just what you need ;)
Chatting & Pay Per View Content
I very rarely read comments or interact with people online outside of my IRL submissives. If I want something to disappear, I simply starve it of attention and I would love nothing more than to eliminate time wasters from the face of the earth. By paying per message on OnlyFans, I know the person I’m talking to understands the value of my time and energy. It’s a fully symbiotic experience. This is a way to chat with me about specific kinks, general questions or sexting while I’m being compensated for my time and incentivized to participate.
An NSFW Social Media Alternative
Social media sucks (in general) but particularly for providers. On platforms like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok and Facebook, it’s a damn witch hunt for sex workers. Double standards, undue process, unclear rules, trolls, time wasters, shadowbans and the threat of being de-platformed are a constant. I’ve become quite the skilled eggshell walker because of this, posting mostly pictures of innocuous objects like my plants, some colourful rope or an occasional selfie if I’m feeling wild.
Then there’s Twitter, the Wild West of social media. It’s great for allowing nudity and porn but still, I always have this feeling that I’m wasting my time on there. It’s a lot of people looking for free content and attention who have zero intention of ever paying for anything. I generally just promote my clips by using a scheduling app so I can spend as little time on there as possible.
Reddit is a cesspool of trolls. Never again. Mine is still up, you can go see for yourself.
Substack has been my favourite ‘social media’ over the last few years. It’s meant for journalists so in order to adhere to their vibe, I don’t post salacious pictures, it’s mostly audio and newsletter style updates about advice, BDSM lifestyle and FemDom theory. It’s personal and humanizing and helps me showcase my intelligence, passion and true love of my work. I love it - but it’s definitely missing the element of … horny times.
This is where OnlyFans comes in! I can keep everyone updated on my kinky, real life adventures with the option to go deeper if you want without fear of being de-platformed. I can post publicly and privately, adding a paywall to certain things and getting quality interactions with paying clients. It’s almost like it was specifically made for sex workers or something … duh. I feel silly for not joining earlier.
HOW IT WORKS
It’s free to subscribe, then you can buy (or unlock) the content that you’re interested in. The monthly subscription model that people associate with the OnlyFans platform doesn’t work for me because my interests are so varied. With the free subscription model that I’m using, you can still see all the free content I post and then you can opt in to additional pictures, clips, gifs and audio for kinks that you’re interested in. Content will be clearly marked so you know what you’re paying for.
WHY I FINALLY JOINED
So, if you’ve made it all the way down here, you might be a super nerd and if you’re a super nerd, you might know that I, traditionally, despise online interactions whether it be comments, social media, emails or texts. I’m a dedicated “let’s talk in person” person, in both my personal and professional life. I provide a lot of content but almost no interaction.
Besides a brief stint on SextPanther in 2020, I’ve never offered much in the way of interactive, online services. I’ve found (and maybe you’ve noticed this too) that most providers seem to be generally divided into two categories; those who prefer in-person play and those who prefer online play. Well, it’s safe to say that I’ve been solidly in the former category for almost a decade now.
The thing is, there’s a phenomenon that takes place online that’s akin to road rage. People have terrible, online social skills and behave in ways that I’ve rarely seen people act in real life. In person, I have full confidence in my ability to read people and control the situation but lots of folks who spend tons of time online are more likely to misbehave because there are fewer social consequences. Plus the risk of miscommunication sky rockets when you can’t see a person’s facial expressions and body language so I’ve spent years shuffling my energy eggs away from screen time and into the ‘real life’ basket.
So what changed? Well, burn out - that’s what. Sexy, right?
One of the biggest sources of energy consumption in my job is staying fresh, excited and present. I would say that the bulk of the work I’m doing on my end is simply ensuring that I stay pumped about my job and since I’m not Daniel Day Lewis (yet) - I can’t fake it, I’ve got to bring real excitement to the table.
This work is heavily relational which means constantly being aware of what I’m into, what I’m excited about, what’s working for me and what’s not. Therefore it also involves taking lots of time off, limiting activities that negatively affect my mood, being selective with the scenes I accept and having great energy management for both myself and others.
Basically, it’s my job to be excited about my job.
Once the initial novelty of this position wore off years ago, the fuel or motivation (at least for me) converted from ravenous thrill seeking to a slower pursuit of connection, vulnerability and mastery of my craft. No, you’re not the first person I’ve finger banged in the butthole, but you’re the first you I’ve finger banged in the butthole so concentrating on the present and empathetically experiencing your novelty is an important part of my experience. It’s work that is equal parts: deeply fulfilling and deeply draining - particularly for an introvert such as myself.
I’m not one to back down from a challenge though and part of what I love about my job is that it changes and grows as I do. There is no way to just “clock in” and it keeps me perpetually accountable to myself and to my submissives. You don’t need to know anything about BDSM to know when someone is not enjoying themselves so my job is to …love my job, basically. I’ve been twisting and turning the knobs (pun intended) finding a balance between excitement and professionalism for the last decade. It’s a constant practice and I love the pursuit.
So after a recent discussion with a friend, I realized that there is no way to minimize the energy output of in-person scenes without depreciating the quality of them. You can actually listen to that discussion on this episode of The Trust and Thrust podcast available on substack for $7/month.
BDSM scenes are inherently energy consuming, albeit in a good way, but as my own energy accountant, I’ve got to keep count of the beans over here. Years ago, I chose quality over quantity when it pertains to my BDSM practices so I’ve become more and more selective with who I share my time with and in this pursuit of deep, meaningful, unique experiences, I’ve dipped too far into this over simplistic mentality of real world = good, online = bad.
I slowly created a bias against online interactions that has often left me burnt out. Well, if you read this blog regularly or listen to my podcast, you know that I love a good, old fuck up. That’s why we’re all here, right? It’s not to be perfect and know everything, it’s to learn and explore in safety. Nothing that a healthy check in, some self reflection and the ability to pivot can’t solve and this is why I love my job. All pursuits in kink seem to share this structure. Try your best, pay attention, stay open minded and find solutions you’re excited about.
This role always transforms right before my eyes and this is the umpteenth time I’ve found myself full circle, back at something I could never imagine being into previously. Whether it be a kink, an approach, a perspective or the shunning of online interactions. Never say never.
Starting this OnlyFans is part of this perpetual balancing act that I’m always doing. It’s the balance between the sterility of consuming my online content and in the intensity of participating in a real scene. It’s a way of turning my online monologue into a discussion in a way that is fair and healthy for me and one that I’m actually excited about.
OnlyFans offers me a huge modicum of control and you know how much I love my spicy control! I’m having fun sorting through my folders and folders of content, crafting and creating fantasies, sharing my real kinks and experiences with people who are interested in actually supporting my endeavours. It’s using all the skills I know from my IRL experiences with less of the intensity. It’s exactly what I need right now and I’m very excited about it.
The last thing I’ll say here - besides that you should go subscribe - is that this is just yet another example of why I love the basic tenements of BDSM. It requires constant consent, check ins, self awareness, boundary checks and the ability to be flexible and problem solve. This is a great example of something that seemed like a solid, immovable boundary to me, something that was firmly negative turning out to be the missing piece, it’s exactly what I needed to tip the scales back into balance.
As we get older, our boundaries and preferences naturally calcify, we get to know ourselves and become more rigid. It’s useful in some ways and a hindrance in others. This is an example of changing a boundary after almost a decade of having it there. It’s an example of how amazing BDSM is as a tool of self exploration. Stay open, be honest with yourself, seek out solutions and … go diddle yourself to my OnlyFans content ;)
BDSM for Women
Playful and GAY-ful BDSM for the women of Toronto! Let’s talk about lesbian domination, cuckqueans, exciting dom duo options and lots more!
Read time: 7 minutes.
A point of pride over the last few years has been my growing base of female clients. As a woman who came out as a lesbian in high school, it actually took me a few years to discover my attraction to men. My first experiences of sexuality were entirely gay for many years.
As time has gone on, I find myself solidly in the pansexual category, being attracted to every manifestation of gender whether that be female, male, trans, queer, non-binary or other wise. I’m on Team Fun - basically, just be cool and bring whatever genitals you’ve got.
So now that I have gained some experience and earned a name for myself in the Pro Domme space, I’m absolutely delighted to pivot my energy towards my good, ol’ gay roots!
SAFETY & SKILL
This is a universal prerequisite for most people in BDSM who are seeking play partners but, particularly women seek safety while exploring their submission. Some of the women I play with don’t even identify as lesbian or bisexual, they simply feel safer playing with a woman.
When I offer one-on-one sessions, I always play safe and cater the scene to each person. Goals and limits are discussed beforehand and safe words are always used and honoured.
I not only offer 8 years of BDSM hard skills, I might dare say that I specialize in soft skills. Meaning I’m a naturally welcoming, down-to-earth person and I love to make people laugh, and feel good about themselves. Yes, I know that’s a weird thing to brag about as a Dominatrix but it’s very handy in making people feel safe and helping them feel relaxed so that everyone can have a good time!
The SYBIAN & The FUCKING MACHINE
The moment I saw this ride on sex toy for women, I was click-click-clicking it into the online cart and into my studio. I’m not usually a person who invests in expensive BDSM equipment or toys so I was a little surprised at how quickly I knew I wanted this for my studio.
I realized that most Pro Dommes (myself included) naturally cater to men as they are the bread and butter of our clientele. Often women and trans people are a tack-on service and most of the marketing is simply not directed towards them. My swift purchasing of this toy revealed to me the deep desire I have to switch that up.
This is one of my favourite aspects of being a Domme and working within sexuality, there’s always new routes to explore, new doors opening and this is my very exciting, new direction! The Sybian (well, The Tremor, a comparable knock-off) and the Fucking Machine are my love letter to the submissive vaginas of Toronto, I suppose, a beacon of lesbian horniness.
Both the Sybian and the fucking machine are absolute fan favourites for my lady subs. Not everyone loves both but everyone loves one of them and isn’t that the fun part? Finding out what works? Even if we have to tie you down to find out? ;)
MOMMY & DADDY DOM ROLEPLAY
Within BDSM, submissives (or bottoms) are often seeking something different than what they may seek from a partner in vanilla world. Meaning, I actually see many straight identified women who would prefer to see a male Dom but don’t feel safe doing so.
That’s why I’m so excited to offer safe duos with two, very different male Doms. They are both hand picked by me, mentored by me and share many of my values. Safe, accessible, fun-focused and relaxed, these duos are much like my one-on-one sessions.
These duos check every box: The warm, comforting atmosphere that my studio has to offer, the safety of my presence and oversight along with that male sexual energy that so many people crave.
ROPE BONDAGE
I won’t claim that rope bondage is a specialty of mine because it certainly isn’t but, that’s what friends are for, right? I work with a female and a male rope top who can tie you up while I keep myself busy with other parts of your body!
Rope bondage is a common interest for many women and requires a bit more patience than other forms of bondage from both the Top and the bottom. It’s a great way to slowly sink into subspace before play begins.
ORGASM TORTURE & SENSORY DEPRIVATION
These are by far the two most requested kinks I have received from women. Well, my fellow lesbos need me! Let’s bust out the cuffs and all the things that vibrate and get started!
I love playing with women (and every body) because what works for each person is always different and it’s always a kinky, little mystery. I love the combination of physicality and psychology that takes place in sexual fantasy and the process of figuring this out using the addition and subtraction of sensations.
CUCKQUEAN & CUCKCAKE
Well, this kink is certainly near and dear to my heart! This is one of the few submissive kinks that I experience and I LOVE offering this niche service to my female subbies.
At this point, we’re all familiar (some more intimately) with the term ‘cuck’ or ‘cuckold’. It’s a sexual kink where a man likes to be sexually humiliated by their female partner who cheats on them with stronger, more attractive and well endowed men.
Well, have you ever heard of the term ‘cuckquean’? It’s the female equivalent and it’s popularity is slowly on the rise. A cuckquean is a woman who eroticizes the idea of her (usually) male partner cheating on her with a more sexually dominant or appealing woman, the ‘cuckcake’. It’s often an eroticization of jealousy and sexual inadequacy within a relationship using power dynamics.
Each woman manifests this kink differently and I’m so down to play out each dynamic as your loving, little cuckcake! Here’s a podcast episode on Spotify I did all about this kink or listen below.
LESBIAN DUO SCENES
Oh, one Dominatrix isn’t gay enough for you? Okay, how about 2? Double your spankings, double your fun! I work with one of Toronto’s most skilled and creative Pro Dommes, Aspasia The Great. She is a lifestyle and Pro Domme with almost 20 years of experience in BDSM. She is an enthusiastic and active member of many of the other strange and wonderful communities of Toronto as well.
Creative, smart, conscientious and ever curious, Aspasia The Great was one of my FemDom idols when I first started and now it’s my pleasure to fuck people up alongside her - safely and with kinky love, of course.
IMPACT PLAY & SPANKING
It’s no secret that women generally have a higher pain tolerance than men and anecdotally, I can confirm. Spanking, and any type of pain play, is best approached slowly and methodically. I always encourage people to use their safeword liberally, especially when trying something new.
Impact play and spanking are best combined with pleasure and I can proudly say, I’ve unlocked this new kink within many of the women I’ve seen. Don’t knock (or spank) it til you’ve tried it. Plus experimenting with bound spanking is a great way to build trust and chemistry with me, as your Domme / top.
FORCED / COERCED BISEXUALITY
This kink is remarkably popular among men and it is basically a fantasy that involves being coerced into performing sexual acts with / on someone of a gender that you are not typically attracted to. This could be a lesbian woman being directed to suck a dick, a straight man told to do the same or even a straight woman being coerced into lesbian acts by a gay, female Domme.
Clearly, the last dynamic is of particular interest to me and I've had the pleasure of playing out this fantasy with a few kinky ladies. This could include any combination of the following: verbal teasing, bondage, strap on, facesitting, foot worship and whatever else your kinky imagination can come up with.
PLAYING WITH COUPLES & DATE NIGHTs
I absolutely love this idea and I adore hosting kinky date night for couples! I’ve seen couples who’ve been married for 20+ years, I’ve had a few people bring in people that they are dating or want to get to know better, I’ve even had a few, brave souls visit me for their first date! Here’s more about this in a blog post I wrote called “Playing with Couples”.
EDUCATION AND MEET & GREETS
If you’re not necessarily looking for a play session, I also offer reduced rates for education / meet & greet sessions on my booking page here. This is a great, low pressure way of getting to know me, seeing my studio space and asking whatever questions you have without any pressure to perform in any way.
This is a great option for people looking to gain FemDom skills, learning to safely top or bottom and any other kinky, power dynamic goals you may have. Some people visit on their own and some bring a partner along. I’m an open book and love sharing my knowledge with fellow curious explorers, it’s truly a create your own kink-venture!
AFTERCARE
Like any self respecting lesbian, I have 40 million plants and a cute, little dog for you to pet (if you’re interested). My aftercare (and my pre-care) are all about being myself, helping you to be yourself, being relaxed and creating a welcoming vibe
I might just be the least theatrical Domme you’ll ever meet. I wear clothes that make me feel comfortable and fun, I offer the kinks I love, I make fun of myself and I have a blast while doing it. My work is a safe space for me to open up and truly be myself with the hope that I can lead by example and each person I see can feel comfortable doing the same.
When I think about my role in professional BDSM, I don’t see myself as a strict leader, I see myself as a guide, a person who shares, a friendly face to explore with, a welcoming force of stability and safety who brings actual excitement to each scene. The line between who I am in my normal life and who I am as a Dominatrix at work just gets fuzzier and fuzzier the longer I do this job and the more comfortable I become in my own skin.
Relational and connection based BDSM is truly my passion.
Ultimately, I’m a naturally open person and I delight in letting people get to know me and in turn, learning about them. As cheesy as it is to say, each person is truly different and that’s what keeps me fascinated with my job year after year.
This is one of my favourite reviews, written by a female client of mine:
“A session with Bastienne is like enjoying a visit with your most intimate of friends. She holds a space of comfort and acceptance while simultaneously enticing you and taking you to places that are far from comfortable but oh so pleasurable :) as someone new to the BDSM community, I appreciate the first part of what Bastienne gave me, because it is what allowed me to give in to the latter. I am so excited to continue on this journey and for Bastienne to be the one to lead me.”
- Rosie, client since 2021
When I searched for that quote on my review page using the keyword ‘friend’, I was proud to see that word came up in 3 different reviews. That might sum up my style more than anything else I could possibly say about my approach.
So, there you go! There’s my gay pitch! Come visit soon :) bastienne.ca/booking
The CBT Nurse
My bedside manner includes: Bondage, urethral sounding, ball crushing, orgasm torture and some indecent exposure. I am the CBT Nurse!
Read time: 9 minutes.
He just keeps coming back. After everything I’ve done to him, all the ways I’ve pushed his body to the edge, tortured his most vulnerable parts, he always returns for more of my treatments. Today he has no symptoms, just a check up, like always. I know it’s just an excuse to feel my hands running over his body, a reason to let me peek under that medical gown before sliding my way up, into all those sensitive places.
It’s all in the pursuit of science.
I explain the purpose of the restraints each time with a smile. There’s always a part of me that flushes with surprise every single time he allows me to do this. He knows full well what he’s in for but the glaze over his eyes tells me that his memory has subsided, replaced now by a sense of surrender, nothing but a will to submit. I’ve worked long and hard to develop this side of him, lulling him into this sweet rhythm, slowly coaxing his addiction to pain, his reliance on me to both provide and alleviate it.
He’s like a damn etch-a-sketch and his dick is the eraser knob at the bottom. I fuck with him, experimenting, watching my results, honing my skills and when I’m done, I just use the reset knob. I get to play with a fresh screen each time.
He never resists when I strap him down. His eyes fully fixated on me, mouth slightly open like the little malleable ball of putty he truly is. I smile and push my hair over my shoulders so it lays on my back, making sure he gets a great view of my cleavage. I watch his glossy eyes run to the plunge in my white shirt. His pelvis instinctively thrusts up and he lets out an adorable little moan before seeking eye contact again. When his eyes meet mine, he is greeted with a nice, big, smile and just like that he’s mine all over, just like so many times before. This truly is his treatment, he needs this almost as much as I do.
I wink and tell him it’s fine to look. I whisper to him that I actually wore this low cut shirt just for him today. He stares at my cleavage as I bend over, securing one of the straps on the other side of his body. As I lay myself across his lap, reaching for the next restraint, his eyes wander to the curve of my back and finally land on the roundness of my ass, covered by an almost sheer white, pencil skirt. I catch him looking and reassure him that it’s okay because I have something to tell him. I reassure him that it sounds worse than it is and I have a plan to help him through.
Today the clinic has run out of anesthetic.
He nods with surprising vigor upon being told this bad news and I instinctively laugh. He’s taken it very well so I run my hand over his cock and balls and lean in. “We can work together to make it feel good, right?” He nods enthusiastically, his mouth hanging open and his limbs completely immobilized. Okay, I’ve broken the news to him, the hard part is over, now for the fun part!
I walk over to the medical tray I’ve prepared for his treatment and pull it over closer to us. I keep it out of his view to keep his mind from racing. Now we begin the delightful dance of pleasure and pain. I show him the large magic wand and inform him that we’ll be working on his groin area today. After my initial exam, I found (once again!) that it seems there’s a lot of built up tension there that we’ll have to relieve. In my peripheral vision, I can see his hard cock bounce as he resumes his adorable little hip thrusting motion, humping the air at the prospect. This is an ideal physical state to be in, it will certainly help with the pain so I move on to the next stage of treatment.
As I wrap my hand around the base of his completely erect cock, he thrusts himself up and down, trying to give himself a handjob using my hand. I laugh at his enthusiasm and tell him to stay still. A brief moment of compassion washes over me as I watch him experience one of the few moments of sheer pleasure he’ll get in the next hour. I give his frenulum a blast of pleasure from the vibrator before removing it quickly. I grab the testicle compressor and place it on his stomach while I lube up my hands and slip my fingers into my white, medical gloves.
As I manipulate his hard cock into the device, he starts leaking pre-cum. I smile as I pop each one of his testicles through the large hole as well, watching the wincing on his face for each. Once they’re through, his face returns to the pleasure drenched one from moments before. I slip his cock through the top plate and press down evenly, giving the testicles below a nice crush.
I watch his face twist in pain and I let up on the pressure. I tell him I have to put the knobs on to secure the device and then we have to start working on alleviating some of the pressure there. He nods and I reassure him that it is going to hurt like hell but I have a special treat just for him.
The knobs are secured as I begin tightening the crusher. His face starts to grimace and I know it’s time to help him out. I blast his frenulum with the vibrator and lean into his ear. “Do you want to see?” as I motion down my shirt. His eyes quickly lock with mine and he slowly nods his head up and down with that lovely slack jawed mouth still hanging open. “You cannot tell anyone!” I insist as I stare him in the face. He whispers, “I won’t, I promise” he says and with that I quickly make my way over to the open door. I peek outside and quietly slide the door closed.
As I return to him, an expression of concern fills my face, “This is just between us, right? I could lose my job over this, do you understand?” I ask him. He nods enthusiastically and my face warms into a smirk, once again sliding my hand across his cock slowly as I pass it by for the vibrator. I click it on and hold it tight to his frenulum with one hand as my fingers tug my shirt down with the other hand.
Once he is fully erect again, I place the magic wand down on the medical tray now using both hands to lift up my shirt, revealing my white bra underneath. I take a quick glance over my shoulder, assuring that the door is still closed then I quickly pull the bottom cups of my bra down, allowing both tits to bounce out. My pink nipples instantly become hard as his head raises to stare, mere inches away from my exposed breasts.
His cock bounces and I tell him that this is the hard part and he’s got to be a good boy for me right now. I quickly twist the knobs of the crusher in turn while his eyes dart between the horror of the crusher and the decadence of my full B cups now bouncing bare in his face. I have to work quickly for fear of being caught and once I’ve pushed him just about as far as he can go, I quickly pull my bra back up, concealing myself again. I glance over my shoulder to make sure I haven’t been caught while pulling my shirt down. I slide my finger between the panes of the testicle compressor, feeling his balls, taught to their limit.
Onto the next stage of treatment.
His face drops slightly as my tits are covered and the vibrator clicks off but his cock remains fully hard. His eyes wander to his now flattened testicles and I see panic flicker across his face. I immediately reassure him that he’s doing such a good job, he’s being such a good boy for me.
I have another trick up my sleeve and I begin explaining to him how the natural pheromones of a woman’s vagina can actually temporarily change the pain response in an aroused man. It might serve as a sort of temporary anesthetic. He stares blankly at me and I lean in closely, “This might sound… unconventional but, it might help with the pain if you’re comfortable with it”. I lean in and translate the idea, I whisper, “I could let you smell my wet pussy if you want.”
Again, he nods vigorously and I tell him that I’ll have to play with myself very close to his nose for the pheromones to take effect and if he’s not comfortable with that, that’s totally okay. He tells me he’s okay with this idea so I smile and position myself over him, placing his face under my white skirt, between my legs. The full view of his painfully crushed nuts, instantly makes my pussy wet with power.
I look over to the medical tray and find the urethral sound, making sure it’s within reach as I reach between my legs, pulling my panties to the side, revealing my already glistening pussy to him. “Can you smell it?” I ask him as my finger enters the pink, wet folds, easing slowly back and forth over my clit. He whispers yes and I can feel his breath on me as I reach over for the metal sound.
My pussy releases one string of clear cum into his mouth and it trails over his face as I pull back, looking down at him in pure ecstasy, I hold the sound in front of my smiling face and he nods in approval. I resume my position, dripping pussy juice into his open mouth mere inches above him while I lube up his pulsing cock and the sound. As the tip of the sound finds the opening of his urethra, my pussy instinctively, without even being touched, gushes a splash of squirt onto his face. He moans in a combination of ecstasy and fear as I slip the sound in further.
I’m about two inches deep into his urethra when my body begins shaking momentarily, I can feel another surge of squirt make its way through my pelvis, blasting through my pussy lips. A moment of embarrassment passes through me, this is so unprofessional but his moans and pulsing cock immediately assure me that I’m safe to enjoy myself here. I felt his head dodge to catch my release and now I hear him swallow his treasure. As I allow the sound to work its way all the way down the length of his cock, I know I must keep still and keep both hands steady on the end of the sound.
Perhaps the lack of direct contact is what's making me cum over and over, perhaps it's the power he’s given me to violate him so thoroughly, I’m not entirely sure. Whatever it is, it feels great and I release a full orgasm onto his face, inches away from his hungry, open mouth. With that, I slowly maneuver myself off his face while still holding the sound down his cock. I want him to see what’s he’s done for me, what a good patient he’s been.
The look of horror on his face is quickly nullified by my gentle stroking of my medical device, he lays his head back and starts breathing heavily. We’re close now and as I slowly pull the sound out and continue my motions up and down his heavily lubed up cock. I concentrate on his frenulum, moving up and down gently and as the sound finally exits his urethra I push the weight of my palm into the testicle crusher below. He moans in pain and I start stimulating him off more aggressively now, to compensate for the pain in his balls.
“We’ve got to relieve all the pressure in your testicles today, there’s so much built up in your balls, we’ve got to squeeze it out. You can let it all out now, okay? Let it all out for me” and as I say this he immediately begins shooting out streams of white cum. I cover his mouth with my other hand as he screams into it. The first pulse of cum shoots up into the air landing on his chest, the second and third cascade onto his belly, the remaining cum drips down the length of his cock in smaller and smaller waves.
I keep stroking until the yelling turns into moans. I take my hand off his mouth and start quickly tightening the screws of the ball crusher. The look of betrayal on his face is comical and I try my best to look sincere when I tell him that I’m sorry, this is the last part of the procedure.
His whole body is rigid, his core fully engaged as he attempts to pull his body off the medical bed. I tell him to keep his mouth shut as I tighten the screws one last time. The last drips of cum have leaked out and his face has turned almost as purple as his balls. “Only five more seconds and you’re all done” I tell him with wink.
He starts writhing around so I tell him sweetly, “I won’t give you my special treatments anymore if you really don’t like them!” This quiets him down and I slowly count down from five, watching his face writhing in pain the entire time, savouring each moment as his testicles are being compounded at a higher rate than they were, even at the height of his pleasure. This is torture - for him.
Finally, the treatment is over. I release him from the testicle compressor and the bondage, sending him off to the bathroom to clean himself up. While he’s in the shower, I get the medical room cleaned up and sanitized. He returns looking refreshed and slightly dazed. We chat for a bit and as he leaves I give him a hug whispering that he did a great job. He looks entirely stunned as I cup the front of his pants, telling him to come back anytime.
I send him off, back into the real world and smile to myself as I close the door behind him. I give it a few minutes before checking my phone. There’s a text from him requesting another treatment in just a few days, as I add him to my calendar, I giggle to myself. The high from the successful treatment still coursing through my body, I find my magic wand, make myself comfortable and quickly rub another one out in celebration of a job well done.
The Freedom of Roleplay
Let’s talk about BDSM roleplay! The mental health benefits, basic theory, how to get started and an introduction to the roleplay characters that I offer!
Read time: 10 minutes.
Roleplay was actually a hard limit for me at one point. It felt theatrical and inauthentic at the time. The toxic idea of being a ‘real’ Domme was still animating my sessions and I thought of roleplay as the poor man’s version of the real thing. I’ve since realized that pretty much all of BDSM is roleplay, so… YAY for learning!
In this post, I’m going to describe the roles that I’ve developed over the years and the themes that run through each. These are the characters that I enjoy most and offer to people in sessions. After that I’ll talk about the function of roleplay in mental health, what I offer and give some advice on how to accomplish your kinky, little dreams via roleplay. Now onto the pervy stuff!
The Therapist
This is the newest addition to my kinky, roleplay roster. Bastienne, the therapist, is calming and gentle. Her voice is soothing and her office is a dark, tranquil respite from real life. In this space, you always feel comfortable and secrets seem to spill out so naturally.
Although you are free to talk about all aspects of your life, Bastienne seems to take particular interest in your sexual proclivities. Within the safety of analysis, you don’t mind sharing these thoughts and desires. The professional atmosphere comforts you and gives you some objectivity about your feelings. In this refuge, you reveal more and more to Bastienne and she always seems to have therapeutic treatment ideas for you. Her practice is immersive, tactile and very hands-on.
The Teacher
It is certainly unorthodox for you to be visiting the home of your teacher but, with Miss B, it feels so natural. Your grades have been suffering and, in response, I’ve made you an amazing offer - I will tutor you for free, upon one condition: You cannot tell anyone about our secret lessons. There’s so much to learn and Miss B knows all the tricks, you just need to keep an open mind and trust in my teaching methods. Rest assured, Miss B will guide you through every step of the way and you’ll be better off for it.
The Nurse
Is there anything scarier than in an incompetent nurse? If nurse Bastienne wasn’t so cute, it might just be unbearable. I always make sure to balance sensations in the body to the best of my ability, especially when we’re all out of anaesthetic and the treatment becomes painful. The sterility of medical treatment makes almost anything seem reasonable as long as it’s explained clearly from your sweet, seemingly well-intentioned, nurse.
The Mommy
Mommy Bastienne is by far my favourite of all the roles I have created. Mommy Bastienne is manipulative and invasive. She has a way of not only gaining control, but convincing you that it was all your idea. She is possessive and entirely inappropriate. Taking on this role is so natural to me, I have converted many people into this form of play who were never open to it before meeting me. It is equal parts sick and sweet. You might absolutely love it.
Themes of Power in Roleplay
Over time, as I’ve tried out different characters, I’ve found a solid theme among the roleplay characters that I love: They are all perverse caretakers. Each role is highly feminine and often uses sexuality and manipulation to evade blame or responsibility for their actions. These characters foster trust and co-dependence to isolate and influence their target.
Unlike the usual archetype of a Dominatrix who asserts power in an aggressive way, I’ve found my roleplay characters tend to be passive aggressive and psychologically subversive. Underneath the veneer of sweetness and comfort lies a malignancy. This is a pretend place where I can shed the complexity of care and sink into something that is simply selfish. I can set aside humility and decency and slip into narcissism and possession. I can safely explore the predatory parts of myself that are totally inappropriate anywhere else.
I am the creator of these imaginary worlds and therefore, I will always have the advantage in these places. I relish in that safety and navigate adeptly, as if it were my own, personal haunted house and I’m playing all of the ghosts. These characters clearly give me some sense of respite from the normal world and it’s something that’s taken me a few years to accept about myself. When I roleplay as these characters, I enter a place that is void of true goodness and morality and it is my shameful reprieve.
I tell you all this because, this is what we all do in some form or another. This is the darkness that we all seek to examine about ourselves. Mine is in the form of hubris and abuse of power while yours may manifest as degradation or dehumanization in some form. Themes of power will (almost) always surface, the form it takes is always unique to the player and generally expresses the inverse of who they are in their day-to-day lives.
The Function of Roleplay in Mental Health
It is important to know that all BDSM is roleplay.
Every submissive person will, inevitably, come to me with the same confession, “Bastienne, this might surprise you but, I am actually dominant in real life!” At this point, I can’t even feign polite surprise anymore. Of course you’re dominant in real life! That’s why you’re craving submission, it’s BDSM stereotypes 101. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone but, it’s definitely the majority.
The thing is, we often struggle to accept that our personalities are discordant. We house many traits and we naturally build an identity around the most pervasive and acceptable ones. We can describe ourselves as many things: Kind, hard working, reserved, pragmatic, smart, scatterbrained, ambitious, shy, creative, outspoken - the list goes on and on.
The problem is, there will always be errant traits that don’t fit into the storyline of who we are. There will always be a dissonance between opposing traits that exist despite each other. These parts of us don’t have anywhere to live, yet they persist. No matter how long we ignore them or talk ourselves out of their existence, there they are, popping their awkward, little heads up to say hello. Oh hey, it’s this fucking personality trait again, reminding me of what a weirdo I am!
It’s never shocking to me when people find themselves acting completely out of character within roleplay. It’s basically woven into the description, particularly within the very popular realms of BDSM and kink. It’s like rummaging through the mental junk bin and making good use of something that was previously discarded. The particular form it takes is entirely dependent on the person. Taboo is in the genitals of the beholder, I suppose.
For some folks the feeling of weakness is highly avoided in their day to day lives. For others, it may the feeling of submission, the shirking of responsibility or the feeling of surrender. For me, I’ve avoided hurting others, to an almost pathological level, my entire adult life. What has that left me with? A solid sadistic streak that manifests in my sexuality. When it comes to the spectrum of feelings that make up a person, picking and choosing isn’t always an option and sometimes it’s simply a case of - you can run but you cannot hide.
Creative roleplay within BDSM is the perfect outlet for these outcast aspects of ourselves. You get to create a character for yourself that is safely separate from your regular identity but it’s immersive and accessible when you want it. Like LARPing, community theatre or playing a video game. It’s adult escapism and it can be whatever you want it to be.
I think the most valuable aspect of roleplay is its ability to give us access to parts of ourselves that we subconsciously reject. We can safely act in ways that are vulnerable and inaccessible in our daily lives. If we push through the initial awkwardness, we might find ourselves fully indulging and unloading into this outlet.
Sometimes our initial fears of rejection are actually met with full acceptance from our roleplay partner. This part of you that you’ve been hiding might be exactly what someone else has been craving. For me, that experience is one of the ultimate forms of human connection. I think, if done safely, with a caring, respectful partner, it can be incredibly cathartic and great for your mental health.
The Basics & How To Start
Roleplay is inherently awkward. This is the first thing that I tell the newbies that I subsume into my roleplay worlds. The desire for perfection is the first thing to go. Things like ‘making sense’ and seeming ‘cool’ are a close second. All these desires must take a back seat to the task at hand: The juvenile and frivolous pursuit of creating imaginary worlds with each other.
Suspension of disbelief is the name of the game.
Not only do you have to get over how innately dorky it is, you also have to do it, with some level of confidence, in front of another, grown adult. A great phrase to keep in mind while roleplaying is “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.”
A sense of humour and the ability to adapt will come in handy. You’re going to say weird stuff, you’re going to stumble over words, you’re going to find yourself speechless when it’s your turn to talk and guess what? It doesn’t fucking matter. It's all fun and games! Once you let yourself off the hook, you can start to immerse.
A great thing to keep in mind is that we are not our sexual desires. The things we crave sexually are usually experiences we don’t get in our day-to-day lives. Do you crave the feeling of being less than? Of being used? Degraded? Objectified? These are generally the desires of highly effective people who are subconsciously seeking reprieve from their social responsibilities. It’s perfectly normal and incredibly common. Most people feel quite confused about this dichotomy, initially at least.
Maybe you can start by compartmentalizing this side of you. Choose a name for this part of yourself and imagine what this character would want, what they would wear and how they would behave. I think that’s a great place to start. That’s how I created my Domme persona, Bastienne and all her many roleplay sub-characters.
The mental compartmentalization trick can actually be quite healthy, if done properly. It’s like any social behaviour, what is considered appropriate is completely dependent on the context. There is a set of behaviours that are appropriate on transit, at a wedding, at the grocery store, at home and at work. It’s good to have an understanding of what is appropriate and when. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have different ways of behaving depending on the situation.
In this same vein, the transition from reality to fantasy is a really important part of BDSM, particularly for new people. When you’re first trying out your submissive character, it’s often really helpful to have an experienced leader (your Domme) and a discernible and clear entry and exit point into play time.
For example, some people take on an entirely different persona with me from the moment they walk in the door. Those people are generally more experienced and understand that this is a creative space where you can be whoever you want to be. Perception is reality and all that. Generally though, I’d say, most people benefit from a discernible contrast between reality and fantasy. We get to know each other as our ‘real world selves’ then we have a clear start time when we begin roleplay and later, when we end it.
Having distinct roles is really helpful while establishing trust. Witnessing the entrance into roleplay is psychologically comforting for most people. That’s where BDSM roleplay becomes really effective. I said at the beginning of this post that all BDSM is roleplay so technically, BDSM roleplay (like Mommy roleplay, for example) is essentially - roleplay within roleplay. What this means to me is that in my sessions, I offer people the ability to blend and blur entrance into roleplay as their trust level increases with me.
For example, a subby comes in for their first session and we end up chatting and getting to know each other for the whole play time as our ‘real selves.’ This is not entirely uncommon, depending on the needs of the person. By the 3rd or 4th visit, they no longer need to chat at all and we can comfortably launch into D/s play as soon as they arrive. Once people realize that they are safe and fully in control, they are usually able to submerge into roleplay for longer periods of time, hopefully going deeper and deeper.
Basically, roleplay is a creative space where you can improvise and try on different personality traits in safety. It’s all about the cycle of action and reaction with your roleplay partner. If you mess something up, not to worry, another cycle of action and reaction is always moments away, just keep trucking. Also, keep in mind that all play within BDSM is simply an attempt to facilitate a feeling. The actions you take along the way are interchangeable, the feeling always takes precedence.
What I Offer
I provide a safe, neutral space. Societal expectations become negotiable here, they are laid out in front of us to sort through at will. Keep what you like and push the rest aside.
If you’re seeing me, we already have a basic compatibility: You want to feel submissive and I want to feel dominant. I have faith in that compatibility and know that dynamics and feelings are not accomplished by force. The most effective way to achieve a feeling is to simply stay present, go slow and work together. We’ll get there, there’s no rush.
The truth is, I resent conformity on all levels. I truly despise the loneliness that it creates in all of us. The fact that we are all judged on our appearance, our income and our achievements with, often, no regard for the person we actually are. Our kindness, our creativity, our insecurities, our experiences and desires are often left to the side, deemed inappropriate for most situations.
BDSM roleplay provides a safe, accepting, neutral space for people to express themselves authentically within. I love being the keeper of this space. I pride myself on being a person who doesn’t reduce others based on superficial qualifications. Instead I try to provide a canvas to showcase the depth of their humanity, their vulnerability and desire for experience and connection.
This is my safe space too. My body, my behaviour and my words are no longer a repressive part of fitting in and being an adult. They are my tools, I use them adeptly to create feelings in myself and in others and it is one of the most empowering skills I’ve ever learned.
As odd as this sounds, I always try to be a force of good. I want to be a place of sanctuary for others and I’ve sacrificed my own social acceptance in the real world to be here. The roleplay reaches into something very tangible for me. In doing this work, I have chosen to live in solitude in my social grey area and I am happy to do so.
Truthfully, outside of work, my basic existence often elicits discomfort in others. Just knowing me often requires a disclaimer and rejection is a price I’ve consented to pay for the reward of being myself. When I ask subbies to play with the idea of their social value and toss aside social expectations, I am probably the most qualified leader.
I don’t want generic acceptance, I want the real deal. I want to be seen for who I am and I want to offer the same in return. This is my expression of love to others. To me, this is the essence of leadership and power. The ability to stand alone, to sacrifice for what I believe in and who I am, to step outside of the system and not only create my own but welcome others into it with open arms.
In my system, vulnerability is power and the outside world exists only to inspire connection. We take what we need and we leave the rest at the door. Roleplay in BDSM has led me to actual freedom, let’s see where it will lead you :)
The 5th Anniversary of My BDSM Blog!
The top 5 most read blog posts and my personal top picks!
Read time: 2 minutes.
Welcome! Today I’m celebrating the 5th anniversary of my BDSM blog! I launched this blog on August 9th of 2017 with the usual “Coming Soon!” kind of post you see on a lot of sites. My first post was titled “From Vanilla to Here” and it marks the beginning of something very special to me.
I’ll admit, at first, my blog felt like a chore. It was just another task on the agenda, something to get over with. It wasn’t until mid 2018 that I started to look forward to writing. As I collected experiences, I would be excited to sit down and put it into words for my handful of readers. By 2020, I had over 10,000 words in partial posts sitting in folders on my desktop.
I realized that my blog served as a bit of catharsis for me. In my posts I could show off my knowledge and love of my work. I could showcase my sessions and reveal my imagination to readers. Most importantly though, I could humanize myself. Beyond a gallery of flattering pictures, I have quite the kinky, little noggin too! This blog in combination with my weekly podcast on substack serve as two of my favourite outlets.
So in celebration of 5 years and 50 posts, I’m going to list the most popular posts of all time in order of most viewed. Then I’m going to list my favourite posts, the ones that I’m most proud of and tell you a bit about their creation and why I love them!
My Most Popular Blog Posts
“Hello, Cum Dumpster” - Cuckold objectification scenes are among my most popular and this post spares no detail about this very hot fantasy!
“Your First FemDom Session” - Curious newbies love this post because I give you all the details you need in order to prepare for your first session.
“The Bucket List: Wet & Messy” - After a euphoric first time, I write all about my new found love for the very absurd and very fun WAM kink!
“Golden Showers” - The best things in life are… PEE! I guess my readers share my love of water sports!
“Making of the Infamous Iso-Toilet” - This is the surprisingly wholesome tale about a decidedly not wholesome piece of equipment that I custom made for a subby.
Bastienne’s Picks - Top 5
“From Feared to Sincere” - This post means a lot to me. During the lockdowns of 2020, I went through a metamorphosis and this blog post contains all the revelations I had at that time. It also marks a massive shift from fantasy to authenticity in my role as a Domme.
“Mommy Buys Her Son a Fleshlight” - I just think this one is really hot!
“Interception: Kindness & Kink” - This one sat on my laptop for almost a year before I gathered enough confidence to actually post it. It’s a bit more vulnerable than most of my posts but that’s why I love it.
“Making of the Infamous Iso-Toilet” - I think this is one of my more well written posts about one of my crowning glory achievements of my career. I solved a 20 year old kink code.
“Let’s Talk About Money Honey” - Talking about the interwoven worlds of FinDom and FemDom felt very taboo at the time. It took some boldness to post and that’s why I’m proud of it.
Whether this is your first time perusing my blog or you’ve been here all along - Thank you for reading! I’ll continue to write a new post every month so check back often. Here’s to 5 more years of BDSM blogging!
xo Bastienne :)
Interception: Kindness & Kink
Thoughts of violation and the importance of kindness in BDSM.
When we explore BDSM, we are often exploring our dark side. We are looking at parts of ourselves that are otherwise entirely unacceptable in the real world. Feelings of shame, humiliation, unworthiness, narcissism, hubris and conceit. We dip in and pray that we can come out whole, that we can leave the experience fully intact, perhaps like it never even happened at all.
The truth, if we are being honest with ourselves, is that some of these experiences affect us inside and outside of our sexuality. Whether they are negative or positive is entirely in the eye of the beholder. I am endlessly fascinated by our ability to manage this pain, to accept our shame as a fact and to master the craft of control over it.
I love that Nietzsche quote, “if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Well, I guess that I’ve become quite the little, abyss-gazer over the years and I will say, it’s more cathartic than it would appear - if - you know how to navigate the demons. The demons, of course, being our own thoughts, feelings and fears.
Not everyone shares this perspective, the whole thing is entirely subjective, very personal and it seems that it is almost entirely self-led. This takes us to the subject of this post, my little kitten and fellow kinky explorer, Aria of Flowers. I’ve written a post about her on my website here, she was my first-ever female subby.
Her journey through BDSM has turned into one that I very much relate to. It’s become a tool of self-reflection for her and I’ve been amazed at her ability to take something new from each and every session that we’ve done.
In the post titled “Thoughts of Violation” on Aria’s website, she talks about beginning BDSM with the subconscious goal of being abused. Like many of us, myself included, BDSM can easily be misinterpreted, at first. The journey back and forth between fantasy and reality is often something that takes a few years to adeptly navigate. Boundaries become clearer and clearer as experiences are collected.
As I’ve evolved as a Domme, nothing gives me more pleasure than protecting amazing people from themselves, redirecting them into what BDSM truly is: Self-acceptance. Sometimes the most powerful and important tool that a dominant has, is the ability to not abuse someone. I’ve learned that the vast majority of my job is to set and maintain healthy boundaries for myself and for my subbies. My job is not to gaze into the abyss with you, it’s to be the person who guides you back out once you’ve seen enough. I didn’t always know this so this post on Aria’s site is very meaningful to me.
In her post she says that she feels like she has somehow stumbled into the vicinity of recovery from years of self loathing. In her post, Aria says:
“Part of me had become convinced that I want, or maybe deserve, to be treated abusively, and I gravitated to BDSM as a way to approximate that treatment. I approached BDSM seeking a certain kind of catharsis. I think I wanted a specific sort of validation of my own self-hatred.”
Aria chose to visit me for her first BDSM experience and this is what she took away from her first, live session:
“I was almost a little disappointed when my first BDSM session ended with me simply feeling like I had fun and feeling good about myself. These warm feelings helped me figure out how to reconcile my thoughts of violation with a positive view of myself. But it didn't feel like a harrowing replication of a traumatizing experience. It felt like play. It was sometimes painful and intense, but it was play.
“If you've ever owned two or more pet cats, you might have seen them ‘play-fight’. They'll roll around, scratching and biting and getting on top of each other, but they don't go hard enough to cause serious injuries. Their play includes elements like pain, struggle, and resistance. And if we're comfortable with each other, and we trust each other, these can be part of our play too.”
Disappointing people with basic empathy is an unlikely prize that I’ve learned to hold in the highest regard. I know now that soon after the disappointment fades, a new door becomes accessible, the real joy of consensual BDSM. Now we can truly get down to the business at hand: Fun, kinky, warm and fuzzy, weirdo, play time!
I love this quote from Aria’s post:
“My goal shouldn't be to bring my miserable thoughts to life as accurately and miserably as possible. It should be to reshape them into positive experiences through play. I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting to be on the bottom of the hierarchy, but I can establish that hierarchy without the help of self-loathing, and let it crumble when I'm satisfied.
“I feel better than I've ever felt before about my sexuality. So I think I understand my path forward. I'll be true to my feelings in play, and have as much fun with it as possible. And I won't try to recreate feelings of violation. I'll remake them into something wonderful. Their place in my life isn't to be purged, but to be repurposed. That's all.”
Reading those words is like winning gold at the Kinky Olympics to me.
I’ve always wanted to be an authentic, genuine Domme. I’ve wanted to earn my title in the most meaningful way I could manage. I’ve wanted to become a person actually worthy of power, not because of how I look but because of who I am and what I offer to others. I’ve discovered that the only way out of shame is through it and I am most powerful when I am simply the witness of this journey to others. Just a hand to hold in the dark.
After all my misguided efforts and so many mistakes along the way, I’ve finally found my power and it’s so deceptively simple. I offer acceptance. After all the details are stripped away, it’s nothing I could’ve ever guessed when I started down this path, seven years ago. It doesn’t cost thousands of dollars, it’s not something you can learn in a class, it’s not a big dungeon, the feature on a website or some pat on the back from a BDSM celebrity. It’s just simple and free and it’s been here all along. I offer acceptance and it’s truly my life’s joy.
Everything in BDSM is a power exchange, 100%, equal, back and forth, wherever you are in the D/s dynamic, whether you realize it or not. The more power you can give, the more you receive in return, it’s a beautiful, self-stabilizing system with tons of potential for growth.
Thank you to Aria and every other subby who has opened up to me and let me see who you really are. In each of you, I could see myself, over and over and over and over until I finally found a sense of belonging in my own humanity. I could finally see the bigger pattern, one of acceptance that now runs beyond my cup and into yours. Thanks to every person who has shown me acceptance along the way, in each of my various forms. You’ve guided me here and I can only hope to do the same for you.
Hope you liked this - thanks for reading! If you liked this post, you should consider subscribing to my private, audio newsletter on substack, available here.
Please check out Aria’s monologue “Thoughts of Violation and, while you’re there, peak around the rest of her site too. It’s almost as cute as she is!
xo Bastienne ;)
Gold-Digging Step Mommy
Step-Mommy has an offer for you.
Read time: 5 minutes. Audio available with a subscription on Substack.
I know that you always suspected that I married your dad for the money. Of course, you’re not the only one. Everyone at his company rolled their eyes as I started showing up to the office more frequently. When I got a partner position on the board, everyone was rolling their eyes behind my back, including you, my cute, little step-son.
Despite all the petulance, I’ve always been sweet-as-pie to everyone at work, knowing that eventually I’d wear them down, like I do with everyone. I don’t care if they think I deserve my position, I only care about getting what I need. The negativity is mostly fuelled by jealousy and deep down, we all know it. That’s why I forgive these people for their ignorance. Not everyone has the power that I do and I’ve always known that.
The thing is, there are TONS of powerful men who are secretly submissive. I’ve known this my whole life, it couldn’t be more obvious to me. I always find it so funny how intimidated people become of powerful men when I know exactly who they actually are. I find it amusing to convey everything I know about them so simply. A gaze held for a little too long, a well placed phrase here or there to subtly let them know that I see them. I see them for the secret slave they truly are, the little cuck, the puddle of desire that desparetely craves for a beautiful woman to step in and take control.
I’ve made powerful men do almost anything you can imagine. Every form of submission, every form of worship. It’s not even hard. I play them off of each other when I get bored. It’s all hilariously simple and I can do it in plain sight now that I’m older and more experienced. I can balance all these things effortlessly now and I love practicing my craft.
Because of the huge age gap between me and your father, we all knew he would pass away years before me. When that happened last year we were all shocked to learn that he had left almost nothing for me in his will, instead leaving it all to you, his only child. I know that you were delighted that I had finally gotten my just dues. I also know that there was a part of you that felt empathy for me and when we met up to talk, it only became more intense.
Yes, of course I played the victim card at first but ultimately I know I have something to offer you, similar to what I offered your father. Although I’m 20 years older than you, I know you’ve always found me attractive so when I start divulging the real relationship I had with your father, you can’t help yourself from feeling aroused.
You had always wondered how I had garnered the favour of everyone at work despite my reputation as a gold digger and as I begin to reveal my secrets, you begin to understand. You see, your father was very sexually submissive. It was always in his nature and I was the first, and only, woman in his life to let him truly explore and flourish. I slowly began taking control of the business from behind the scenes.
You know how the board is all old guys? Well there’s an inherent flaw in that set-up that I used to my advantage. You see I love older men and they love me, so as I gained control of your father, I started turning him into my cuckold. With each dissenter on the board, I would slowly but surely seduce them, one by one until your father was being cuckolded by each and every one of them, systematically.
For the last few years, we had developed a weekly Monday through Friday schedule for each of them. Eleven members of the board works out perfectly, two each on the last four days of the week with a busy day each Monday, with three visits on that day. Didn’t you always wonder why your dad was so tired every Monday night?
Eventually we got some bondage set up under his big desk where I would tie him up so that he was in full view of my encounters. He would lay flat on his back for the first part. I would bend over the desk and take a full load right above his face. Once the partner had released and been dismissed, I would move your dad into a kneeling position under the desk. As I sat getting work done, his head would be licking in between my legs, making sure to clean me thoroughly before my next visitor.
The system worked flawlessly for years and your dad had never been happier, we all noticed this. Morale was sky high for obvious reasons. So now that you understand all that, I’ll tell you why he didn’t leave money or the business to me. Your father loved what I did for him so much that he wanted you to have the same thing. If he had just given the business to me or given me a large sum of money, who knows if you would ever experience something like this.
He knew that you and I always had chemistry and that this would be the best way to bond us. He knew that truly dominant women like me are few and far between and losing me would be a huge mistake. He always wanted you to replace him and he knew this was the sure fire way to make that happen without forcing either of us into it.
So the decision is entirely yours, you can keep the business and the money and we can part ways amicably or… I can start training you. You can sleep in Step-Mommy’s bed with her tonight if you want. I’ll start by outfitting you with a chastity device so you don’t cum too quickly as you slip under the sheets with me. If you’re a good boy, you can run your hands all over Step-Mommy’s naked body and who knows what else I’ll let you do if you’re good.
Then on Monday morning, we’ll go into the office like usual and I’ll train you just like I did with your dad. We can take the first week slow because you’ll have to become accustomed to the taste of other men’s cum. Once you get used to it, you’ll actually begin to crave it and that’s why you need to wear the chastity cage at all times when we’re at work. The lack of stimulation will keep you passive and open minded. Your body needs time to acclimatize to the high protein consumption as well.
Once that is done, I’ll have to train you how to eat it out of me. That shouldn’t take too long considering how desperate you’ll be. If you’re bad and don’t follow orders then I might implement a couple of different punishments. Maybe I’ll dose you with an erection pill while you’re in chastity. Maybe I won’t let you watch as I get filled with cum. Maybe I’ll let you watch but you won’t be allowed to lick it out of me. Maybe you won’t be allowed to sleep naked with Step-Mommy at night. The punishment depends on your transgression.
The great thing about this set-up is that you still get to look like you’re in charge to everyone outside of the highest level of the company while being almost entirely free of responsibility for the business. The board members have all signed non disclosure agreements so if they talk about any of this, we’ll sue them into oblivion and they know that. Plus, they’ve got a great little set-up so why would any of them complain about being systematically milked every week on top of an amazing salary?
I ran the business almost entirely on my own towards the end of your dad’s life and I never needed any credit for it. I don’t care if people think I’m just a gold digger or a trophy wife to some old man. Doesn’t bother me in the least, let them think whatever they want as long as I’m in control, having tons of orgasms and having fun every day, I’m all set. In fact, the secrecy just lends to the excitement.
I hope you see now why your father didn’t feel the need to protect me. He always knew that I didn't need to be given anything. If I truly want something, I can get it myself. So the choice is yours now, you can be my new, little pet or I can find some other, young man instead. You just let Step-Mommy know whenever you’re ready and I’ll take it over. You won’t have to worry about anything anymore except for keeping your nice Step-Mommy all cleaned out ;)